8 months ago...

Eight months ago, I fed my baby for the last time. Eight months ago, I changed my baby's diaper for the last time. Eight months ago, I held my baby for the last time. Eight months ago, I said "goodbye". Eight months ago, I cried. Today, I still cry. ( I think I have written almost the same thing in a previous entry, but I still feel the same).

Today, we were so busy that I didn't even realize what day it was until I got home from Emily's Christmas party at school. It's not that I didn't think of Luke throughout the day, it's just that I didn't realize that today is the 18th. Today is one of the most difficult days for me each month. I think that God was giving me a break, knowing that I could use half of the day to get things done with Em and Matt, without thinking about the date. I thank Him for that as I was able to enjoy Em's party immensely.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the day that Luke went to heaven. I'm not sure if it is because of the anxiety I feel about James' birth and expected stay in the NICU or if it is simply because it is Christmas-time, "the most wonderful time of the year". I still have so much guilt, thinking "if I had just pushed this issue or that issue more, then Luke would be here with us now." I will never look at ambulances in the same way and I still have a difficult time passing the funeral home here in town. So much about our lives has changed since Luke joined our family. We have learned more about faith, more about love, more about hope, more about ourselves, more about each other, and we have been given the gift of a new life in James! We are so grateful for Luke's life and thank God for him each day!

We have had a busy week here...Matthew's Christmas program was on Monday. Boy, was he proud to be on stage and boy, did he look exactly like my dad! I have posted a short video below for you to see (sorry for the poor quality...we used our regular camera). He is the tall boy in red on the top left. The kids are singing "Away in a Manger" and did a great job! He was so proud and he made us so proud! Emily's Christmas party was today. Matthew and I joined her class to decorate gingerbread houses and to eat lots of yummy snacks. It is always fun to visit Emily's class--kindergarten is one of my favorite grades! Of course, I didn't have my camera today...I was doing well by bringing the fruit for the party! I love my babies and I am so glad that I was lucky enough to celebrate with them!




On Tuesday, Tommy and I met with Dr. Langham. He is the chief of surgery at the children's hospital and we feel very comfortable with him doing the surgery. Of course, we are not certain whether or not he will perform James' surgery as it will depend on who is on-call the day James is born. We were hoping for some more concrete answers, but until our sweet boy is born, the surgeons won't have a plan. They will need to develop a plan just for James, so we wait...As I said before, the anxiety seems to be getting to me more and more. After all, James will be here in a little less than 2 1/2 months. I am nervous about another baby in the NICU, more feeding issues, intubation, etc. Moms who have been through this before, I am sure you understand the anxiety. To fight these feelings, I find myself begging God to take them away. I literally ask Him out loud to give me the strength that I need to get over the fear. As always, He does and I feel instantly better. I love it when He gives me peace about James--I always welcome that peace. Dr. Langham is going to call the head NICU nurse and ask her to give us a tour of the facility. I believe this will really help me and Tommy prepare for what we will be facing once James is here. We also asked him about child life for Emily and Matthew. Child life is a program that helps siblings deal with having siblings in the hospital. He said that the NICU staff will be able to help us with that. I feel that the kids are becoming more and more nervous as James' arrival nears. I want them to feel as comfortable about all of this as possible.

Nana (Tommy's mom) is coming next week to visit for Christmas. We are all very excited about having her here and the kids are SUPER excited. We have some ideas planned for the week, so we should keep Nana very busy. We hope she is ready for a loud and crazy house!

Once again, I want to thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and kind words. I know I have said this before, but I am terrified of people forgetting about Luke and all of the things he brought to our lives. We always appreciate your comments, both here and on CaringBridge. We thank you for your support for our little family. God bless you all!

My Miracles

I feel like I haven't written in a long time...I guess I haven't. we have been so busy during this season, that I haven't had a chance to just sit and blog. I have wanted to write about the subject of miracles for a very long time now. I feel so blessed in my life that I have been given so many miracles. I wanted to share them with all of you:

My husband. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to marry the man of my dreams, the man God made for me. I found that in Tommy. He is wonderfully perfect for me and he makes me smile each time I look at him or even think about him. He is my husband, the father of my children, and my best friend. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I share everything with this man and he knows me better than anyone. He knows what to say and when to say it. He is the miracle who I prayed for all of my life.

My children. These are the miracles who have made me who I am: a Mommy. I may not be perfect at my job, but they give me enough kisses and hugs to reassure me that I must be doing something right. They are the most amazing little people and God has blessed me abundantly with them. Emily is my confident, helpful, beautiful little girl who has given me the gift of pride. Matthew is my talkative, boisterous, handsome little man who has given me the gift of patience (if you know Bubba, you should be laughing right now). Luke is my strong, courageous, gorgeous little boy who has given me the gift of a stronger faith. James is my active, sweet, adorable baby boy who has given me the gift of hope. How lucky am I to have been given such gifts? God must truly love me!

My family. OK, so some people may say that I am too close to my family. But I disagree. How can you be too close to family? Family is what helps to form the person that you are. Without my family, I may not be the Bernie that I am today. My family has taught me faith, love, strength, perseverance, the list goes on and on. My parents did an amazing job raising five children. They are examples to others and I appreciate the fact that they didn't decide to stop at 4 kids! I can never thank my parents, my brother, and my three sisters enough for being there for us during the past nine months. I know they will never know how much they have helped us during these difficult months. I also want to make sure to include my extended family in this category. My grandmother, grandfather, and aunts and uncles have been amazing through all of this. Luke had so many great aunts and great uncles come to the funeral! He is like a little rock star in our family--I know that no one who knew him (whether in person or via the computer) will ever forget the impact that he made on their lives. When James arrives, he will get to meet many of his great aunts and uncles, also. They are all so eager to come, meet James, and help out and we welcome them with open arms!

Tommy's Family. Just as I cannot imagine who I would be without my family, I cannot imagine who Tommy would be without his family. Tommy was a "surprise" baby and his parents raised him with such strength and faith. I know I have said it many times, but I cannot imagine getting through this year without my husband's faith and strength. Thank you to Nana and Pop Pop for raising such an amazing man. He wouldn't be who he is without you and his brothers.

All of our medical staff. Doctors are amazing people. They go to school forever and then spend their lives caring for others. They don't always get to take time off for holidays and they make their patients their priority. Had it not been for the doctors, we wouldn't have had the 5 1/2 weeks with Luke that we were blessed with. If not for the doctors here, we would not be able to expect a lifetime with our James. What a miracle! I also want to mention all of the nurses and other medical staff who we have come in contact with and who we have yet to meet. These people are absolutely selfless and wonderful. They care for my babies like they are their own. I can never thank them enough.

Friends. All of you have been a constant miracle in my life, even before Luke was born. I have always been able to count on my friends for everything. But especially now, after everything that we have been through, you have been extraordinary. For the first time in my life, I can say that I have friends who I have never even met. How miraculous is that? There are people out there who I never knew before Luke's birth who I can honestly call friends. WOW! God has really helped me out, hasn't He? He knew that I would need you and His call was answered by you. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

One group of friends I have made since we began this journey are other heart moms. One of these moms, Shannon (mom to Carlie--her blog is on the right), has created a video montage to help raise awareness of congenital heart defects. Shannon asked for pictures of heart babies, both angels and living. Luke is included in this video and it is very moving. Please take the time to watch this video, it really points out how devastating heart defects can be. I know that Shannon reads the blog, so please feel free to leave any comments at the bottom of this post for her to read. I am sure she would love to read them! We really appreciate your taking the time to watch her presentation--it means A LOT to us! Here is the video:



Luke's birthday was this past Friday. He would be 9 months old right now. I can't believe that! I can't believe that 9 months ago, we welcomed a very brave little boy into our lives. One who I truly believe knew in his little broken heart that he would only be with us for a short time. I believe that Luke was sent as a gift from God for all of us. He lived so strongly and so happily for the 5 1/2 weeks that he was with us. Our angel's life gave us the gift of James and for that, we are so thankful to him and to God. We are blessed.

Just a quick prayer request...on Tuesday, we are meeting with the surgeon who will perform James' surgery (ies). Dr. Langham is the surgeon and we have read and heard great things about him. He is very qualified and we look forward to learning more about the procedure(s) and what to expect. We will write this week to let you know what we hear from him. Please say a prayer that our meeting goes smoothly and that Dr. Langham is able to answer all of our questions (there are a lot:) ). Thank you for your continued prayers for our family and for our children. God bless you all!!!!

James Update

James at 26 weeks, 2 days

Hi everyone! We just wanted to give a quick update on Sweet Baby James. Tommy, my mother, father, and I went to the perinatologist today to check out our little man. We are SO happy to say that James looked absolutely perfect! His omphalocele has not changed in size and his intestine continues to be the only thing involved. We had another fetal echo cardiogram and were able to see all of the chambers, valves, and a perfect aorta! We were also excited to see the inflow and outflow of each valve. It is such a nervous feeling walking into the ultrasound room, but each time we are told this "looks perfect" and that "looks great", we let out a huge sigh. I had the privilege of seeing the ultrasound with my mother as she had never seen a level 2 or 3D ultrasound. There were happy tears and many thoughts of our angel, but it was a really great thing to see that our baby boy is doing so well. He weighed in at 2 pounds, 2 ounces and was measuring 2 days big. None of our other babies ever really measured large. In fact, they usually measured about 5 days small. We are still praying for growth, growth, growth!!!! We are hoping to make it to 39 weeks before we meet our newest miracle. I have to say that James was making the tech laugh as he moved all around during the entire ultrasound--he never stopped fidgeting! He is already head down, as all of my babies like to do at about this time. Because of that, the above pic is the best we could do. The poor tech tried to get a good face picture for about 20 minutes, but James wouldn't cooperate, just like his big sissy! He is hiding behind a hand, a placenta, and an umbilical cord. He also has his face pushed up against my placenta, so his little nose is a little mushed. He is looking a lot like Emily, which means he will be his Daddy's boy! We look forward to meeting him in a few months, but not too soon.

I wanted to wish everyone a belated Happy Thanksgiving! We had quite the time here. My parents, my 3 sisters, their spouses and children all came to town to celebrate with us. I have to admit that having 10 adults and 11 children in our house kept things pretty upbeat. Of course, we missed our Luke like crazy. There were times during the weekend that I just broke down, wishing that Luke could be here with us and imagining him in a high chair spitting out all of his food. We missed him a lot and I relied a lot on others to help me get through the sadness. Thank you to everyone for making our first Thanksgiving without Luke as painless as possible. We are so thankful that God sent us such an amazing soul and that he has blessed us with yet another miracle. We are truly blessed with extraordinary children and we thank God for all of them!!!!

Forgive me if this entry is all jumbled as I am trying to get downstairs for dinner. I just wanted to give an update on James. Once again, we appreciate all of your prayers for our family. We are still praying for no chromosomal defects and continued growth for James. We are also continuing to pray for a miracle and that James' omphalocele disappears. We are so thankful for all of you, especially during the past almost 9 months. You have no idea how much you have helped us through this extremely difficult time. God bless you all!

7 months

It has been seven months since our angel entered heaven. This is always such an emotional roller coaster of a day, but rather than focus on losing Luke, I would like to share the story of Luke's arrival into our world. When you have a child born with a serious issue, everyone is focused on getting him better, not so much on how he entered the world (which is totally fine by us, as we only asked for prayers for Luke's little life). When Em and Matt were born, the first thing that was asked was "how was labor?". With Luke, our only concern was that we could get the necessary care for him to live. So, here it goes:

On March 11th, Tommy and I went to see Dr. Westmoreland. I was about 39 weeks and, like my other two, Luke was totally content in my belly. We decided to induce the following morning. Then, she "got things going" (I don't want to get into too much detail) and I began having contractions every few hours. This was not labor, though, just a few contractions here and there. The contractions intensified during the night, but nothing to constitute actual labor. We woke up at about 5:00 am on March 12th to begin calling the hospital for induction. Much to our excitement and surprise (Matthew's induction was pushed back for FOUR days), the hospital had a room for us and told us to be there by 7 am...we were there by 6:30, just in case. Once we got in the room, we waited for Dr. Westmoreland to come in and break my water. That happened around 9:30 or so. At about 11:00, they decided to start me on some pitocin to get the contractions coming. They were there, but not great. Well, we have figured out (after two inductions) that with Bernie, you need to break the water and give pitocin. In my case, water broken + pitocin = fast baby! That is just what happened. By about 12 pm, I was ready to push and we welcomed our baby boy a few minutes later (two pushes, I think). Everything went relatively fast and easily. We didn't have a lot of screaming (just a little--no epidural for me b/c of my scoliosis) and we welcomed a gorgeous, fat-faced little boy into our lives. He was pink and loud. I remember looking at him as they checked him out shortly after birth, thinking "wow! His nose is just like Matthew's". I held him, nursed him (wondering why the nurse kept having to nudge him awake), and questioned the nurse about the grayish tint to his hands. She reassured me that many babies have that and it was his body getting used to pumping blood by itself. I never noticed it with the other two and I think my mother's intuition was working overtime (as it did throughout the entire pregnancy). About two hours later, they took my baby boy from me. They didn't bring him back. They told me of his diagnosis, and they put him in a helicopter. I have a great fear of helicopters and I can't believe that I had to let my little boy go on a helicopter all by himself. How scared and confused he must have been.

The Family (minus our precious James :) ) shortly after Luke's birth, but before his diagnosis.

Thank you for letting me share our birth story. It was beautiful and it was perfect, just like our Luke. As I sit here remembering that day and sobbing, I can't help but think about where we will be in about 3 months. I am so fearful of letting them take another one of my boys from me after birth. I ask that you please continue to pray for James and that he continues to grow, that he does not have a chromosomal issue, and that his omphalocele heals. Please pray for me and Tommy and that we can give our fears to God--we need to concentrate on our family and children. God bless you all and thank you for everything!!!!

8 Months ago...

We would like to introduce you to Luke Thomas:

We finally have a video to introduce our Wittle Bubba! I had a few videos on my camera and thought this one was pretty cute. I had to buy a new connector for the computer, so that is why it took so long. Sorry about that. Anyway, me and the kids watched this video today (it has been a long time since I watched it). I have to say that it was extremely difficult to see, but at the same time, it was amazing. Here is this little boy who fought more during his short life than most people fight in 80 years. It has been a while since I heard Luke's cry. I fear that I have forgotten that cry, but once I hear it, I know who it belongs to: an angel...a beautiful, sweet, amazing angel. I wanted you all to "meet" Luke since only a few people can say they were able to meet a true angel! Please just tune out me and Tommy in the background...the most important person in this video is Luke! Happy Birthday tomorrow, little guy. We love you and miss you so much! Enjoy!!!!

March 12, 2008 waiting to be admitted to L&D. We had no idea how much our lives would be changed just a few hours later. By the way, I think I am about that big right now with James! :)

This is one of my favorites of Tommy and Luke, right before we gave our baby to the doctors so that they could save his life (the Norwood).

Mommy and Luke before surgery.

Obligatory sleeping Daddy and Baby pic in the hospital. Luke had to wear socks on his hands because he kept pulling out his NG tube. What a little stinker!

I also wanted to include some pictures of our trip to Disney and one from Halloween. We really had a fun time relaxing and spending time together!

The twins...yes, she is half mine!

Told you I was big! :)

We love Eeyore!

Cousin Lauren, Em, Aunt Julie, Uncle Bob, and Matt

Haberman Men!

High School Musical Cheerleader and Soldier

As always, thank you for keeping James Benedict in your prayers. JB is already such a big part of our lives and we are constantly praying that he will get to grow up healthy and strong with our family. He has become quite the little kicker and that makes me so happy. The kicks are my favorite part of pregnancy--a little secret between me and my babies! We continue to pray for a miracle and that James' omphalocele goes away. Thank you to Father Paul at Guardian Angels for offering a Healing Mass for James Benedict. The Tierneys (Katie's family) are parishioners there. We really appreciate this kind gesture and have even more faith that our little boy will be just fine. Please keep any and all prayers coming!

Thank you, also, for continuing to pray for all of the children living with CHDs. God welcomed another angel this week, Katie Manning, who had HLHS (http://katiemanning.wordpress.com/). She is another amazing soul and I know that she is doing wonderfully up in heaven with all of our angels. God bless you all!

Sweet Baby James

One word: AMAZING!!!! Tommy and I were able to see our sweet boy again today and let me tell you, he is a handsome little man! We checked everything out once again and once again, James looked GREAT! His heart, brain, and kidneys all looked wonderful and perfect! I watched as the tech wrote "no other abnormalities noted" (or something like that :) ). WOW!

Today we met with Dr. BK (Dr. Schneider's partner). It was good to get another opinion on James and his diagnosis. Dr. BK said that he was more reassured rather than less reassured after today's ultrasound. This made us feel really good. He said it is a good thing that James' omphalocele is bigger as the smaller ones tend to go along with chromosomal abnormalities. He said to prepare for a surgery (or maybe a few) to fix it and that James will have a great scar to show off to the other little boys. Of course, we will not feel 100% until James is born and we know for sure everything that we are dealing with, but we are a lot more positive after today's visit.

We have a lot of faith that James is fine and that we will just get over the "surgical bump" after he is born. God has given us a lot of peace about this and we believe that all will be ok with James (JB). Last night, I went to bed feeling very calm and even woke up in a calm mood this morning. Did I get nervous and sick to my stomach at the office? Of course I did, but God let us see our perfect little boy and that made me feel a lot better! It doesn't hurt that God has our little angel Luke whispering in His ear asking him to help our his baby bubba!

Thank you, once again, for your continued prayers for our family. James still needs lots and lots of prayers, so please keep them up! If you would like a specific prayer, here are a few:
* that there is no chromosomal abnormality
* that the omphalocele shrinks (that can happen) or that it goes away completely--St. Rita is the patron saint of impossible things if you are looking for someone to intercede :)
* that James continues to grow at a steady pace (he is already 1 pound!)--we want him to be full term!!!!
* that his heart continues to look healthy and whole.

Thank you so much and God bless all of you!!!!

The Most Magical Place on Earth!

Good evening everyone! We have had a CRAZY week! On Friday, we picked the kiddos up from school and drove to Macon, Georgia to visit Great Gramma. We spent Friday and Saturday night in Macon to celebrate Emily's 6th birthday and Great Gramma's 90th birthday. You should see my grandmother--no one believes she is 90 (even her doctors)! She has 9 children, 26 grandchildren, and MANY great-grandchildren. Emily and Matthew just love spending time with her, Uncle Jon, and Aunt Debby. We celebrated birthdays on Saturday with ice cream cake and presents.

We have big news for our little James: we asked Jon and Debby to be his godparents. It was pretty easy to figure out who his godparents would be as Jon is amazing with children and Debby made such an impact on our lives when Luke was with us. We gave them each a note asking if they would be James' godparents and explaining why we chose them. I know that they will both take their role seriously and we are so thankful that they accepted our request. James is a very lucky little boy.

On Sunday, we drove to Orlando for a much needed vacation at DISNEY WORLD! We had so much fun. It is amazing to see Disney through the eyes of children. Em and Matt were so brave and went on every ride that they were able to ride on. The only ride Matthew couldn't go on was Space Mountain. It's funny because they are more afraid of little dogs than they are of roller coasters. The only ride that none of us were too excited about was Stitch's Escape--kind of boring to us and scary for them. I will post pics as soon as I can find my computer hook-up. We also got to meet up with Uncle Bob, Aunt Julie, and Cousin Lauren at Epcot. The kids had SO much fun with them and we are so glad that we were able to see them. Thanks for coming out, guys!

On the way home, we stopped in Alpharetta to stay the night with my sister, Brigid, and her family. Emily and Matthew spent the evening with Isabel and Cecilia and the next day with Sabrina. As always, they had a blast. Matthew and Sabrina make quite a cute, fresh team!!!!
We are looking forward to Halloween tomorrow. Emily is a cheerleader from High School Musical and Matthew is a soldier. They are excited and I am looking forward to all of the candy (not that I haven't already broken into our stash!). This is the first time in a few years that Nana hasn't been with us for Halloween, so we will miss her a lot. We have heard from neighbors to expect a lot of kids, so that should be fun. Tommy and I will split up trick-or-treating duties...I will take the short route and he will take the longer one.

Tomorrow will be bitter sweet because we will miss Luke a lot. What would he dress up as? What would he look like? Would he be full of smiles? It is so hard to believe that we lost him...we should have all four of our children, not just three of them. We look forward to watching James enjoy Halloween next year! We hope that everyone has a fun and safe Halloween!!!!

On the James front...BIG NEWS! Tommy was able to feel our little guy kick me this morning! He gave a few big thumps when we woke up. This is so great as it proves that James is growing and getting stronger. I think that feeling kicks is one of the most amazing things about pregnancy. It is so wonderful to know that I have a baby growing inside of me. I love it and I love him! We have a big ultrasound on Monday with the perinatalogist. It will be another level 2 ultrasound checking out his omphalocele, looking at his heart, and looking for any other issues. PLEASE join us in praying that James is ok and that there are no other defects present. We already love him so much and just want to be able to watch him grow up big and strong! Thanks in advance for your prayers!

Speaking of prayers, I would like to ask you to pray for another heart baby, Lindsay. Her site is www.lindsaysheart.blogspot.com. Lindsay is just over 4 months old and has HLHS. She is a beautiful little girl who is fighting off a bad infection right now. Lindsay has had multiple open heart surgeries and has just been re-intubated due to the infection. Lindsay has an amazing family and could really use prayers to get her over this infection. I am sure that Lindsay's mom and dad would enjoy any words of prayer on her blog. Lindsay's blog is listed to the right of this post as well as other heart blogs. If you get a chance, please check out these amazing babies and their families. The amount of faith that these families have is inspiring.

Once again, thank you for your continued prayers for our family. Our faith is what is helping us get throught these tough times and you all help us to keep that faith. God bless you all!!!!

Happy 6th Birthday Sweet Girl!

THEN:

NOW:

I can't believe that our little girl is a GREAT BIG six years old! I keep thinking back to 6 years ago today...Emily arrived with a vengeance and we were finally PARENTS! I remember that Emily was very sleepy her first day out of my tummy. My sister Rita attributed it to the fact that I had been taking vicodin for the pain. So, I stopped the meds and went with the pain. Emily eventually became more alert, but she was always our best sleeper. Emily began sleeping through the night at 1 1/2 months and was just a calm, sweet baby. She has grown into such a lovely young lady. She is kind, thoughtful, and empathetic to others' feelings. Emily is also quite opinionated and has a mind of her own. The whole clothes issue is making its way into our home--school mornings are so much fun! We look forward to watching Emily grow even more. Thank you to our baby girl for being such a wonderful example to her brothers--she is our sweet snuggler!

I just wanted to give a quick update on James (or JB as Tommy plans on calling him)...yesterday, Tommy and I went to see Dr. Tinker for a belly check. Dr. Tinker was very pleased with James' growth and his heartbeat. It was a strong 145 BPM. We talked to Dr. Tinker a lot about our last ultrasound. He really made us feel a lot better about the trisomy factor and we are trusting in God that James will be fine. We have a few specific prayers for James: (1) that he does not have trisomy 13 or 18 (or any other chromosomal issue), (2) that his omphalocele does not get bigger and that only the small intestine remains involved (we don't want to have to worry about the stomach, liver, etc.) (3) that we have a good ultrasound on November 3rd with no changes, (4) that James continues on the growth curve and that he continues to thrive. Like I said, Tommy and I have faith that James is going to be just fine. True, we will have a bump after he is born, but we feel as though we can handle this bump easily. Once again, thank you for your thoughts and prayers. We hope that everyone has a wonderful weekend! God Bless!

Seven Months

Today is our angel's 7 month birthday. Just 7 months ago, the only thing we knew about HLHS was that is was really bad. We never thought it would affect our lives so much. We never thought that we would lose a child to the awful CHD. We never thought we would have an angel. But though we miss Luke terribly, we are so thankful that he is a part of our lives. Each day, Tommy and I thank God for the blessings He has given us. We are so thankful that God blessed us with our HLHS miracle and we are so thankful that He has given us the strength to get through the tough times. We pray that God continues to bless us and that He makes us stronger each day.

This week has been a tough one with James' diagnosis of an omphalocele. But we are praying like CRAZY and we are thanking God for this wonderful gift. We have faith that we can get through the tough times once again and that He will see us through. Please join us in prayer for our unborn miracle and please know that we are so thankful for all of you. We hope you have a great week and God Bless you all!

And the winner is...

JAMES BENEDICT HABERMAN

We are very excited to announce our little boy's name and are so happy that he has such a BIG name as he is already such a BIG part of our lives. We have put a lot of thought into James' name and we are confident that it is very fitting for him. Here was our thought process on choosing our little boy's name...

As far as James goes, we have seen many signs over the past few days. James is a name that we had thought of as it is a family name (my father's middle name and both of his grandfathers), but it was one name out of a few. Each of our children has one family name (Emily "Bernadette", "George" Matthew, and Luke "Thomas"), so we thought it fitting that James also has a family name. I had mentioned to my friend, Jill, that we really liked the name James and the next day I received an e-mail from her saying that they studied James 1 at her Bible Study that day and that it was so poignant given our situation. James talks about faith, prayer, and healing. One verse that Jill mentioned was "Blessed is the man who endures trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life which God has promised to those who love him." (James 1:12). Another reason that we chose James is because his name was used in the Anointing of the Sick ceremony on Wednesday. As soon as I heard Father Dennis use his name, I knew that was what we were going to call him. As I did more research on James and the Anointing of the Sick, I found that James has a biblical reference for healing: "Is any among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord; and the prayer of faith will save the sick man, and the Lord will raise him up; and if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven." (James 5:14-15). This is amazing to me. We have total faith that God is going to keep our little James healthy and that he will live a long, full life. We are so thankful to God for sending us our new little boy!

The reason we chose Benedict is a little easier to explain: Tommy came home from work yesterday with the name. At first, I thought he may be kidding and that he was being silly, but once he told me what Benedict meant, I knew that should be James' middle name. Benedict means blessing. That is just what our James is: a BLESSING! He is a blessing from God and if it weren't for his big brother, we wouldn't be blessed enough to have him in our lives. Plus, we think that James Benedict Haberman flows pretty darn well...and it doesn't hurt that Benedict is the Pope's name! :)

Thank you for allowing us to share our baby boy's name with you all. As I said before, we put a lot of thought into choosing his name and we believe that we have come up with the perfect name. God bless you all and have a wonderful weekend!

Something Amazing...

Hi everyone! First off, we wanted to thank you all for keeping Cuatro in your prayers. We are so thankful that he is already on prayer lists around the world. Our goal is to get him on as many lists as possible. Thank you for all of the support via the blogs, e-mail, phone calls, and even Facebook!

We WILL have a name soon as I am so anxious to call him by his name. Tommy and I have discussed some names and I have my very favorite...I just have to make sure it is a good one with Tommy. All I know is that this baby needs a strong, powerful name as I know he has strength that matches his angel brother. I will let you all know as soon as we have decided on a name. Just know that there will be a lot of meaning in his name.

Today was an amazing day. I have joined the Moms and Tots group at our church. The group is a great mix of women of all ages and it has been so nice to be able to share my faith with them. I was able to take my mom (my parents came into town yesterday) and I am so glad that I could. Thank you to the ladies today for being so welcoming to my mother. Anyway, I had a chance to explain our newest situation with my friend, Kimberly, on Monday and I was so thankful that she let some of the ladies know about everything. Kimberly had also asked if I would like one of the priests to anoint me. I told her of course and Father Dennis came to the meeting today to do just that. He anointed me and then asked the ladies to place their hands on me. It was amazing to have these women (who were complete strangers two months ago) place their hands on me and Cuatro, praying for his healing! Can you imagine?!?! It was quite a warm feeling and I am so thankful to have had this experience as I have never been anointed before. Thank you to Kimberly for suggesting this sacrament and thank you to all of my new friends for participating today--it meant more than you know. I have faith that God is going to keep our baby boy safe and healthy--we just have to get over a little bump. I also spoke to a new friend, Mary Beth, who is a retired NICU nurse. We had met before and I knew of her background, so as soon as I saw her, I broke down. She reassured me that she saw omphaloceles often and that the babies are fine. It really helped to talk to her and to share the spiritual side of the medical "stuff". She told me I could call her any time and I warned her that she might hear from me too often! Isn't it wonderful that God put us in the perfect parish with the perfect people? I am so thankful that we have found yet another church with such great people!

Once again, we would like to thank you for your prayers. We are continually praying for Cuatro's healing and that he does not have either trisomy. As with each and every baby, he is a miracle and we are so glad that he is a part of our little family. God Bless you all!

Our New Little Boy...

GORGEOUS BABY BOY!!!!

Good evening everyone!

Well, to say that today has been eventful would be an understatement. I went to the high risk OB, Dr Schneider, today. Tommy was unable to make it, so I was there by myself. Well, I say "by myself", but I know there were so many prayers going out for our little Cuatro. So I guess that you could say that the room was FULL of people! I saw some absolutely BEAUTIFUL things today: a great brain, a gorgeous spine, kidneys, bladder, no more previa (woo!hoo!), and a MAGNIFICENT 4 CHAMBER HEART! I was so excited to see that so far, Baby's little heart is looking perfect. Of course, we will have MANY more level 2 ultrasounds and will have to keep an eye on it for any defects, but so far, so good! I did see something not so great today: Cuatro does indeed have an omphalocele. Part of his small intestine is growing out of his belly, but is contained in a thin membrane. No matter what, we are looking at a surgery to fix him up. After what we went through with Luke, this is a piece of cake as it can be fixed. BUT, there is a 25% chance that Cuatro has a chromosomal defect, either Trisomy 13 or 18. If you know anything about either one of these, neither is good. They are both fatal and cannot be treated. The baby will not make it. But, I know that we need to look at the better side of things: that he has a 75% chance of this being just an omphalocele. Of course, that is what we are praying for: a simple omphalocele. Luckily, everything in the level 2 looked perfect today and there were no signs of a chromosomal defect, but they can show up later in other ultrasounds. I spoke with my OB, Dr. Tinker, and he was encouraged that they did not see any facial, brain, foot, or heart abnormalities as those can go with a chromosomal defect. He made me feel so much better! He is truly an amazing doctor!

If you are a member of any church, church group, or prayer list, I would like to ask if you can add our baby boy to your list? This is very scary for me and Tommy and we are just going to immerse ourselves in prayer. All we want is to hold our baby boy on our chests and let him fall asleep on us. We were never able to do that with Luke as his chest was still healing and he couldn't be on his tummy. The more people who are praying for our little one, the better I know he will be. We really appreciate your help with this!!!! We are determined to figure out his name this week as I am so ready to start calling him by name (and so that he can have a name on prayer lists). We have a number of apostles and saints who are on the top of our list (go figure with names like Matthew, Luke, and Bernadette--Em's middle name for the others)!

Thank you, once again for checking up on us. We appreciate any and all prayers for Cuatro--he is already such a HUGE part of our family and we look forward to meeting him! God Bless!

Happy Birthday Big Boy Matthew!

Then:

Now:

Time really does fly by, doesn't it? I can't believe that four years ago, I was holding my first son. Matthew is truly one of a kind. He is funny, he is kind, he is fresh, he is sweet, he is smart, he has a million excuses...he is MATTHEW! He is unlike any other child, he is just himself and he is happy with that. Matthew's heart is so pure...purely Matthew. He adores Emily and looks up to her, he is still so in love with his Wittle Bubba, and he is very excited about Cuatro. Matthew has helped to get me through some of the toughest times since Luke's passing. At the funeral Mass, it was Matthew who made me smile. After Luke was gone, it was Matthew who always asked about him. Now that Emily is in school, it is Matthew who keeps me company. I love him so much and Tommy and I are so thankful that God gave us this gift. "Matthew" means "gift from God" and he, as well as all four of our babies, is just that: our gift from God. Thank you for helping us wish our big boy a very Happy Birthday!

Now for an update on Cuatro: we went to see Dr. Tinker today and were able to see the baby on ultrasound. We were checking to see if I still have placenta previa. I do still have it and it hasn't seemed to move, so we are most likely looking at a c-section. A c-section is fine by me, but I am a little worried as I have scoliosis in my epidural space, therefore, I don't get epidurals. So, if I can't get an epidural or spinal, I will need to be put under anesthesia and be "out" during surgery. I want to see my baby when he/she is born. I am still praying that the previa goes away so that we won't have to worry about this. The baby is growing well, but they did see a hernia at the belly. Dr. Tinker thinks that this is either an umbilical hernia or something called a omphalocele. Both pale in comparison to Luke's HLHS diagnosis, but it is still scary that the baby has a congenital defect. I will go to the high-risk OB on Monday (I asked if we could get an earlier appointment than the 15th as I would go crazy waiting), so we will be able to have a better view (hopefully) of everything. This is also when they will first check out the heart. To say that Tommy and I are nervous about this is an understatement. The hernia thing kind of threw us for a loop, so we are a little on edge tonight. But we know that God will take care of our baby and we just need to trust in Him.

NOW FOR THE NEWS PEOPLE ARE WAITING FOR...the tech told me that she never guarantees gender id (we will look again on Monday), but from what she saw (and it didn't take her long) it seems as though my feelings have been correct: it looks like we are having a baby BOY!!!! We are very excited, although we are happy with any gift that God gives us. I will let you know if that changes on Monday (although I don't think that will happen). PLEASE keep our sweet baby in your prayers. And please pray that our nerves will be settled, that we will be able to find out exactly what we are dealing with, and that there are no more defects present. Thank you in advance!

Once again, thank you for checking in on our little family. We are so blessed to have such wonderful people praying for us. Thank you for your compassion! God Bless!

Fears...

Fear is something that I wish I never felt. It is a scary feeling and no matter how faithful a person you are, fear can creep up on you. I have been feeling a lot of anxiety over the past few days and I know exactly why. We have a couple of ultrasounds coming up in the next few weeks and I think that anxiety is trying to get the best of me. Cuatro is already such a big part of our family and we are so prayerful that he/she is healthy. Emily and Matthew are already attached to the baby. They are constantly kissing my belly and saying how much they love the new baby. I find myself repeating the same prayer without even realizing it...asking God to keep this baby safe and healthy and that he/she has a healthy heart. Emily often lets us know when she prays for Cuatro. At Mass on Saturday, she was praying for Baby...when we pray at night, she always remembers Baby...she even prayed for a healthy heart the other day when she blew a dandelion. I wish that the two of them didn't have to worry about losing another sibling. I wish that they still had an innocence about death. I wish that they didn't lose their baby brother. But, I am positive that they are stronger and more faithful because of Luke. As I always say, he gave us some amazing gifts...the best one is due in March! I would like to ask for prayers for Cuatro and that this Friday's ultrasound goes well. We are just checking for placenta previa (praying that I don't have it anymore) and I am not sure that I want them to check on the heart right now as our level 2 is in two weeks. I will post on Friday...maybe we will have some news on the gender!!!! Plus, our big boy (and I mean BIG) will be FOUR YEARS OLD on Friday! Wow, how time flies!!!!

Another fear that I have is that others will forget Luke and his beautiful life. Once your child is gone, you fear that others will forget him/her. You fear that some will go on and never think about your precious angel. I have had that fear since April 18th--the fear that Luke's Legacy will be forgotten by others. That other people will forget the miracle that he was and the soul that he is. We appreciate your reading the blog as it helps us to realize that there are people who remember Luke and the gifts that he has given others. Without him, many people would still be unaware of congenital heart defects and the lack of funding for research. I know that our baby boy will help other children affected by CHDs.

This weekend, I took the kids to LeBonheur to help paint wine glasses for an event called "Dancing with the Docs". WOW! It was a lot of fun. Emily was very particular about her artwork while Matthew created more of a camouflage effect with his glasses. It was good for me to get to know some of the heart children and their families. I can't say that it was easy going there (I called Tommy on the way there in tears, thinking of the night Luke became an angel), but I am glad that I did. I hope that we were able to help the children who are affected by heart disease each day. I just wished that Luke could have been there with us. I have some pictures that I need to scan, so I will hopefully post them soon so you can see the gorgeous work done by Em and Matt.

On a last note, I have a very special prayer request for you all. As you know from our experience with Luke, HLHS is a nasty defect. Nothing about it is easy and it is a very scary thing to deal with day to day. There is a baby named Gracie Jean Lockyer who is battling for her life right now. I was introduced to her blog via Angel Annabelle Butcher's blog (see the blog list on the right to find her beautiful blog). Since then, we have been praying so hard for Gracie. She is a true miracle, having "coded" a number of times in her little life. But she still keeps fighting. Gracie was born 5 days before Luke, on March 7th (Cuatro's due date) and has been in the hospital ever since. Yes, that means she has spent almost 7 months in the hospital! Gracie is scheduled to have her Glenn (the second HLHS surgery) on Thursday, but the chance of survival is only 10%. PLEASE pray that this miracle child makes it through surgery--I know it is possible because she has already defied so many odds. Please visit her site at: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/graciejeanlockyer. There are a number of heart kids we keep up on and many are having their surgeries soon or are having other complications. Please offer a prayer for these amazing children--they are truly fighters!

Thank you, once again, for allowing me to share our life with you. We feel so blessed that Luke has been a part of all of your lives, even if you were never able to meet him. God bless you all and thank you for your kind prayers!

six months and five months...

Good evening everyone! First off, I need to explain why I failed to write an update on Luke's six month birthday. We had planned to "introduce" everyone to our angel via video. But, as luck would have it, our video camera and dvd were unable to "save" to our computer. So, I am sending the disk to my sister, Katie, to edit for us. Hopefully, you will be able to see and hear our precious boy very soon! I can guarantee that you will be amazed and in awe of our gorgeous son! As each month passes, I can't help but think about Luke and what he would be like. I know he is smiling down on us and is saying lots of prayers for us.

It has been five months since our Luke entered heaven. That night was awful. It is not something I like to remember. I try to remember the times when Luke seemed so full of life and seemed like he wasn't seriously ill. If you were blessed enough to meet Luke, you would know what I mean. Luke did not look sick, he did not act sick, he was just a beautiful baby boy. He was perfect and I am so sad that his heart was not perfect. But, I am at peace with the fact that Luke's heart is now perfect, just as he is. I still pray that no one forgets our angel or the joy and faith that he brought to so many lives.

As you all know, Tommy and I grew up in the Houston area. Hurricane Ike caused a great deal of damage on the East Texas coast and many people are still without power. My father has been in Magnolia since last week (mom is still in MN) and still has no power. Nana (Tommy's mom) stayed with Dad during and after the hurricane. Nana still doesn't have power, either. Luckily, they didn't have any damage to their homes, but a number of people in the area did have damage. We were lucky to have my friend, Amy and her three kiddos come to visit us on their way to Indiana. They decided to leave Magnolia when the lack of power got to be too much. The kids had so much fun playing with Rocco, Addie, and Baby Jack. Please pray for those affected by Hurricane Ike. I had written about Luke's CVICU friend, Patrick, a few weeks ago. Patrick had his surgery the day before Ike hit and was on the ventilator during the storm. How scary for his parents! But TCH is great and I am so happy to say that Patrick is doing wonderfully post-op. Thank you for your prayers for him and please keep them coming for all the heart babies facing surgery.

On Baby #4 front (we call him/her Cuatro--thank you to Amy), we are still on track. I went to see Dr. Tinker today and the baby's heart sounded great at 155 beats. Dr. Tinker was pleased and we are going to have an ultrasound in 2 weeks to check and see if my placenta previa is gone. We have a level 2 ultrasound scheduled for October 15th. We are excited to see our baby, but are nervous about any possible chds. I have been feeling some little movements and I LOVE it. I truly never thought I would feel this miracle again. We are so thankful and feel so blessed with this baby. We would appreciate any prayers for our little sweetie and for a healthy heart. God bless you all and have a wonderful weekend!

Finally...a chance to update!

Hi everyone!

I feel like it has been so long since I updated the blog! Everything is fine, we are just really getting into a routine in our new home. Emily started dance this week (loves it), Matthew started soccer today (loves it), Tommy is so busy with work, and I have been busy trying to make new friends and get to know the town (going to MOPS and starting Moms and Tots at church tomorrow).

Thank you for the prayers for our last ultrasound. Like I mentioned before, it is too early to see any major problems with the heart. We were just checking on some "me" stuff. Matthew and Tommy went with me and Matthew was excited to see his new little brother or sister. He told us that it is a boy and that we will name him Thomas the Tank Engine. I asked if she could see any "goods", but the baby is still too small. Anyway, the baby looked good and had a great heartbeat (did I tear up? Of course I did.). Then, I was told that I have placenta previa. In other words, my placenta is at the bottom of my uterus, covering my cervix. This would not be a good thing if I were further along, but Dr. Tinker believes that since I am so early (was only 12 weeks at the ultrasound--I am about 14 1/2 weeks now), that my uterus will grow and that my placenta will move up. Considering all that we have to worry about, this doesn't really have us too concerned. We will check again at the 20 week level 2 ultrasound. Anyway, here is a picture of our beautiful miracle. The head is on the bottom right and the feet are those two things at the top left. You can see his/her knees bent in the picture. You can also see a gorgeous backbone along the bottom. Enjoy!

Last week was a tough "Missing Luke" week. I miss him so much and sometimes those feelings are completely overwhelming. I want all four of my children to be with us, but we do not have one of them. It is so difficult to grasp sometimes and it is a feeling that no mother or father should feel. Luke would be 6 months old on Friday--I can't believe that he would be that old. He would most likely be done with his second surgery (the Glenn) and just holding tight until the next. Crazy and unbearable at times. I just ask that you please pray for all of the families who are grieving the loss of a child. It is something that no one should ever have to deal with. But I also pray that these families have faith that their child is safe in heaven and is happy with God. Emily and Matthew's favorite thing to do after church is to light a candle for their Wittle Bubba. It is so sweet and heartwarming to watch them as they pray to God for their little brother. I thank God for our faith!

Once again, I ask that you pray for sick children. Patrick Lall's surgery has been moved (once again) to tomorrow. PLEASE pray that his surgery goes well and that his parents can take him home soon. There are so many heart babies who need prayers right now. These children are amazing and are so much stronger than I could ever hope to be. Our friend, Hans (who has neuroblastoma), is still fighting like a champ. Please pray that Hans keeps up his fight and beats this horrible disease. God bless you all and have a wonderful rest of your week!

Some beautiful photos to share...

Hi everyone! I hope this post finds you all doing well. Thank you for all of the well wishes for the new baby. Like I mentioned before, we are praying for a healthy baby. Please pray for this new Haberman. We actually have an ultrasound tomorrow, so if you could fit in a little prayer that everything looks good so far, that would be GREAT! Of course, we won't know much about his or her heart until about 20 weeks. We will definitely keep you posted on our new little gift--we are so very excited about our little miracle!!!!

We have a few special pictures to share with you all. The first we wanted to share are pictures of Luke's marker. My parents went to visit Luke after they returned home from their visit to Collierville. I was so happy to hear that his marker was there. Finally, people will know that an angel, a little saint, was laid to rest there. I explained in another post that Tommy and I sort of "designed" Luke's marker with the help of Sam at the funeral home. There wasn't anything that quite "fit" our little prince, so we came up with our own design. It is simple, yet beautiful. As I mentioned in the earlier post, Luke's "symbol" has become a heart (for Luke) with a cross in the middle (for Jesus). James Avery makes a charm with this symbol and it is perfectly perfect for our sweet angel (look at http://www.jamesavery.com/ and search for "crosslet heart"). Here are a few pictures of Luke's marker:

My mom and dad went to visit Luke right after the tropical storm, so his marker was a little dirty. It looks wet because they cleaned it off for us. "The Kingdom of Heaven belongs to little children" (Matthew 19:14) is a verse that meant a lot to us after Luke went to heaven and we thought it fitting to write it on his marker for all to see.

Hooray! Luke's family-made marker was still there (the hearts were coming off, but my mom said that the crosses were still firmly in place--a sign? I think yes!). My parents brought some beautiful white roses with a blue bow for our sweetie.

Pop Pop is watching over our little man. I am sure they are having a great time up in heaven!

I also wanted to share a picture of a special gift that we were given in memory of Luke by my parents' Ellijay friends, Wilma and George Fordham. The Fordhams purchased a beautiful cypress tree for our baby boy. Mr. Fordham and my dad planted the tree in the back yard (well, the front yard, but I call it the back yard--long story) and my father took a picture of it. I look forward to visiting Ellijay soon and seeing how much the tree has grown. It is really nice because the cabin will be in our family for generations and as such, everyone will get to see Luke's special tree "grow up". Here is a pic of the gorgeous green cypress:

I also wanted to share a quick picture of our sweet baby girl on her first day of kindergarten. Emily is having so much fun and just loves being a big girl. She is learning so much and just adores her teacher. We are truly blessed to have her at such a great school!

I will have pictures of Matthew's first day of school next week. I left my camera at my sister Brigid's house this summer and she is going to send it to me (what? a hint? huh? I don't really need it--Ha!Ha!) when she gets a chance. Anyway, I brought one of those cool throw away cameras to take his picture. I hope they turn out. He had a great first day and can't wait to go back on Friday. His teachers seem really super and I know he will have a blast this year!

Once again, I hope all is well with all of our friends. I actually have a HUGE prayer request: one of Luke's sweet CVICU and cardiac floor friends, Patrick, has to go in for a second surgery this week or next. Patrick was not supposed to go in for surgery this soon, but his heart needs some repairs and this is the time to do it. PLEASE say lots of prayers for Patrick and his sweet family. His mom, Maureen, really helped me during our hospital stay and was always a friendly face to talk to . Patrick doesn't have HLHS like Luke, but he does have a lot of not fun stuff going on, so he could use the prayers. I know that Luke is up in heaven praying for him and asking God to help his little buddy out. Patrick is a little cutie and is a very special heart baby! Thanks for your prayers! God bless you all!!!!

Evidence of Luke's Legacy

Some weeks ago, we were blessed with a gift from God as well as a gift from Luke. For without Luke, this gift would not be ours. We had planned that Luke would be our last child. We knew that he would complete our family. Once Luke passed away, we knew immediately that God once again had other plans for us. Our hearts yearned for another baby, not to replace Luke, but to bring a new joy and healing to our family. Well, we are so excited and very happy to announce (finally) that our new gift is growing inside of me! I am about 11 1/2 weeks along with a new little life.


If you have read our blog from the beginning, you are aware that I am constantly looking for signs. I search for signs of our baby boy everywhere I go. Probably the biggest sign so far was during our first ultrasound (with Dr. Westmoreland in Houston). When we saw the baby, saw the heartbeat (to say that was emotional is an understatement), and heard the heartbeat, we were ecstatic. But nothing could prepare us for what we were about to hear: Dr. Westmoreland announced the due date as March 12th. What bigger sign could God and Luke have sent other than the fact that our new baby's due date was on Luke's birthday? Since then, I have had two ultrasounds here in Tennessee. They have moved the due date up to March 7th, right before our sweet angel's first birthday. I have found a great, caring doctor here who is well aware of Luke's journey. We have already discussed the precautions that we will take with this baby: level 2 ultrasounds and fetal echo cardiograms. Dr. Tinker is very understanding of all of my worries and he is definitely patient with my nerves.


As you can probably imagine, we are quite nervous about our new baby's heart. We were given a lot of statistics in regards to the heritability of HLHS and other CHDs. But we have faith that God will not give us more than we can handle. We are ready to face anything that may come our way. Like I said, we are so excited about this new baby and he/she is a true blessing and a miracle, just as all children are. We ask that you please keep Baby Haberman #4 in your prayers through the next few months. We are praying for a healthy heart and an uneventful 9 months. At about 20 weeks, we will have our first fetal echo cardiogram with a cardiologist and will have another at about 30 weeks to check for any signs of a CHD. As I mentioned above, we will also have a few level 2 ultrasounds to double check everything. This time, we should know for sure whether we are expecting a boy or girl--no more surprises as was the case with our sweet Luke! :) Here is a picture of one of our ultrasounds for your viewing pleasure. There are arms and legs, he/she just has them tucked in. :) Enjoy!

I have an emergency prayer request. Our friends Rich and Jacque's baby girl, Alyn (who is a few months younger than Luke), has to have an emergency surgery today. Yesterday, she was diagnosed with pyloric stenosis and the muscle between her stomach and intestine is contracting too much, causing severe vomiting. The surgery is pretty straightforward, but it is never fun to have your baby out of your hands (believe me, we have done it with all three of ours). Rich and Jacque are very dear friends and are the ones who introduced me and Tommy. Without them, we wouldn't have our special little family. I will update on Alyn on the next entry.

Thanks again for all of your prayers and support. You all have been amazing and we appreciate all of your kindness. By the way, our e-mail has changed. It is now thomas.haberman@att.net. Unfortunately when we changed services, they erased our address book. So, if you usually receive e-mails from us, would you mind sending a quick e-mail to this address so that we can re-add you to our address book? Thanks so much!!!!

Angel Day

I know that tomorrow is Luke's Angel Day, but I wanted to go ahead and post the blog since I wrote it today. The 18th is always a tough day of the month for me. Thanks for keeping an eye on us!

Four months since I held him...Four months since I fed him...Four months since I smelled him...Four months since we said "goodbye". I can't believe that four months have passed. I can't believe that Luke is no longer with us. I can't believe that I lost my baby boy. It still doesn't seem real. It still seems so foreign to me. It still seems like he should be here with us. I am sitting here crying right now. I am crying for Luke, I am crying for Emily and Matthew, I am crying for me and Tommy. I am just crying.

I still can't handle the sight of a baby carrier, even though Luke would probably have grown out of it by now. It is just that Luke was in a baby carrier when he was in the ambulance. The last memory I have of Luke alive was when he was in that carrier. Each time I see one, I either walk the other way, or face my fear and take a deep breath. I am sure it probably sounds silly, but it is just one of those "things" that I have to get over. I'm not sure if I will ever get over all of this, I guess the pain just lessens with time.

While Luke was alive, there were so many prayers offered up to God for him. At first, I wondered why the prayers for Luke weren't answered, but the more I thought about it, the more I believed that the prayers were indeed answered. The prayers were for Luke to get better and to have a healthy heart. The problem is that Luke was never going to have a healthy heart here on earth, at least not his own healthy heart. Luke's heart was not whole and in turn, did not (nor would it ever) work correctly. The only hope for a healthy heart would be a heart transplant. So, when all of our friends and family so thoughtfully sent prayers to heaven, God listened and gave Luke his whole heart. After all, isn't heaven the place where we all would like to live one day? How lucky that Luke was hand picked by God to be with Him? Luke is not hurting and Luke is in paradise. I can only be so blessed to join him there one day. So, thank you for your prayers for our sweet angel--they were heard and they were answered!

A great thing happened to me this past Friday (on the Feast of the Assumption, no less). When we registered at our new parish, they ask if there is anyone in the house who would like to speak to a priest. Of course, I wrote that I would like to speak to the priest about Luke's passing. I didn't think much of it and figured that I would get a call in a few weeks. On Friday, Father Parham from church called to set up an appointment. When he asked about Luke, I broke down. I am not talking about crying a little bit...I mean I wept. I had so many tears streaming down my face that I was making the phone (and probably the carpet) soaking wet. It had been a little while since I broke down like that. I guess that speaking to Father Parham just brought me such a spiritual feeling that I couldn't hold anything in. I felt badly for crying, but he was very patient with me and we made a tentative appointment for the beginning of September as he will be on vacation until then. I am glad that we have joined a parish that is so open and friendly, just as St. Anthony was in The Woodlands.

In case you all are wondering, Emily had a wonderful day at school on Wednesday. She is such a big girl and we are so proud of her. Matthew begins school next Monday and he is ready. He keeps telling us all that he is going to school "tomorrow". It is the same thing each day. The will both have a great time making new friends!

In closing, please continue to pray for all of the sick children. Did you know that Congenital Heart Defects are the #1 birth defect in the US? It is a crazy and scary statistic. I am hoping to begin some work with the hospital here in Memphis for It's My Heart in the next week or two, once things get settled down. My college buddy, Matt, gave me the names of some of the cardiology people there, so it is a GREAT start for me. Thanks so much, Matt! Please pray for Abby's mom, Heather, who had an emergency surgery on Saturday. She is doing fine, but she could use some extra prayers. Abby is doing well and just getting over a urinary tract infection. There are a number of other heart babies who I check on regularly. Some are doing well and others are struggling. Please take a second to say a quick prayer for them. Thanks for checking up on our little family. God bless you all and have a wonderful day!

* On a side note, my mom was asking how to make a comment on this new blog. This is for you mom: at the end of each entry, there is a place that says "__ comments". Just click on the word "comments" and it will take you to a new window. Fill out the form on the right. You may have to create a google account, but that is no big deal. Hope this helps, mom!

Happy 5 Months, Luke!

Today our sweet Luke would be 5 months old. Once again, I sit here wondering what he would be doing now: eating solids, sitting up, giggling, laughing at his sister and brother...It's hard because we had so many dreams for Luke, even after he was diagnosed. Although we knew that his life would be difficult, we had hopes for lots of things: he would be a champion golfer, he would share many holidays with us, and he would be the one to find a cure for HLHS. God had other plans for Luke, however, and I know He is using Luke to continue to help our dreams for him come true. Luke may not be the next Tiger Woods or the best cardiothoracic surgeon, but his life continues to make dreams come true. I have faith that Luke's story will help create more awareness for HLHS and congenital heart defects (CHDs) so that other heart children can thrive. That awareness will create more funding for CHDs, funding which is so desperately needed!

If you are familiar with this blog, you already know that I like to share stories of people who made a difference in Luke's life (as well as our entire family's lives). I want to share a little about my Aunt Debby. Debby is my mom's sister and is an amazingly compassionate and caring person. After Luke was diagnosed, Debby (a former cardiac nurse) offered to come to Houston to help us out once Luke came home. Of course, we took her up on the offer! Debby arrived a few days after Luke got home and they had an instant connection. Luke just adored Debby. Each morning after his meds, Debby would feed Luke while I pumped. She was always ready and willing to snuggle with our little sweetie. Debby just loved talking to Luke and looking into his bright blue eyes. He so enjoyed their time together and I know how much he loved her. Debby was with us the night Luke went home to heaven and I know it wasn't easy for her. She has been around heart patients a lot, but something seems so wrong when that heart patient is a 5 1/2 week old baby who did nothing to cause his condition. Debby, you will never know what it meant to me and Tommy to have you as such a big part in our baby boy's life. You were (and are) so amazing and I am so glad that Luke got the chance to know you and your kind spirit. You guys have such a special connection and I am incredibly thankful that God sent you to us during such a difficult time. God bless you!

By the way, my parents came into town last night (after a long trip with a blown out tire--God was certainly watching them!). We went on a tour of the town and celebrated Tommy's birthday with a YUMMY cookie cake. The kids were so excited to show them around the house and to show them their big rooms. Tomorrow is Em's first day of kindergarten. She will find out her teacher on Thursday and have her first full week next week. I am not scared about her going to kindergarten because I know she is ready (I am a teacher, remember? :) ), but I am nervous that I can't be the mom of a kid who goes to school 5 days a week. I'm not sure if I can get lunches ready and homework done each day...UGH! Wish us luck (especially me!). Take care and God Bless!

Happy Birthday Daddy!

I just wanted to write a quick post to wish my first baby, Tommy, a VERY happy birthday! Tommy and I have been through a lot over the years and especially the past few months. Our love has not faltered, only grown stronger. If you haven't met Tommy, let me tell you a little bit about him. Tommy gets a lot of teasing for being too quiet (which is pretty tough when you are married to someone like me who won't ever shut up). My sisters always tend to be on his case because he just stays so quiet a lot of the time. Truth be told, Tommy is a lot like my dad, so my sisters probably feel as though they have a "right" to tease him (plus he is younger than them--like the younger brother they never had). The fact of the matter if that Tommy amazes me each and every day. Behind that reserved demeanor lies great strength. I can always count on him to be the voice of reason when I am the picture of frustration. And as much as I tease him for being so quiet, he really does talk--a lot! I love to see Tommy interact with our kiddos. He is always so animated and fun. They are his world. He is so cute with them when they are babies. He makes this little babble sound with them, encouraging them to talk back to him. It always works! He is amazing with his babies--jovial and cheerful. Tommy was so kind with Luke. They were buddies. Tommy was Luke's protector. He was so strong the whole time--at the hospital looking at all of the lines and wires coming from our tiny son, at home feeding him the "correct" way (yes, there was a certain "way" we had to feed Luke), and at Luke's goodbye holding me when I could no longer stand up. I am so blessed that God put this man in my life and I am so thankful that Tommy asked me to marry him almost nine years ago. Thank you to Nana and Pop Pop for your "surprise" baby boy--he is perfectly incredible! Happy birthday, Tommy!

Thank you once again for all of your thoughts and prayers. We still welcome any heavenly help from all of our friends, old and new. God Bless you all! Oh, and I am including some fun pictures that my sister Brigid took at her house. We had fun at our little photo shoot. Here they are:

The Fam

Simply Stunning

He looks a little pained, doesn't he?

Surprise!

New Beginnings

Welcome to our new blog! Special thanks to my sister, Brigid, for helping design it using the papers from Luke's book. I like this blog because we can post more pictures. I am also hoping to post a slideshow and a few videos of Luke for those of you who were never able to meet him. That will take a little while, though, as I need to take things one day at a time...Anyway, we hope you enjoy our new format. I think that I will still post on CaringBridge so that you know when I update here. I am not yet sure how to send you an e-mail when I update here, so you may want to check back periodically.

Well, this is it! Our new home. We are anxious to make it our "own". I keep referring to it as "their house" instead of "our house". I think once we get rid of the boxes and put pictures up, we will be ready to call it "ours". We have lots of plans for the house and look forward to making lots of memories. Of course, we have lots of feelings that come along with moving. It's funny, because I wish that we just had to deal with the "normal" feelings you have when you move. Instead, we are dealing with much deeper and much more difficult issues. Not a minute goes by when I don't think of our sweet Luke and not a day goes by when I don't weep for him. I just keep thinking that things were supposed to be different and that he should be here with us. But in the end, I know that this is the way that God wanted it to be and that His plan is bigger than any of this. I just hope and pray that I can live up to His plan.

It has been a whirlwind since we arrived in Tennessee last Monday...I will try my best to get you all up to speed with the Haberman Clan. The kids were great on the car ride. Of course, there were arguments and whining, but all-in-all, they did pretty well. They were just excited to see their new home. We spent most of the week in a hotel and shuttled to and from doctor's appointments and restaurants. I can't tell you how happy I was to eat a home cooked meal (yes, I have been making dinner:) ). We got into the house on Friday (we had a few rooms painted) and had amazing movers. They were fast and careful. So far, I think the only casualties were a few Christmas ornaments. All of our china was untouched! We were greeted by the neighbors in the cove (yes, they are "coves" here--not cul-de-sacs) and they are wonderful! So welcoming and helpful! We are truly blessed to have moved onto a street with so many friendly faces. Today, I went to register Emily at school. She will go for a trial day next Wednesday and will begin her full schedule the following week. We find out her teacher next Thursday. I still can't believe that she is in kindergarten (even though she sounds like a 16 year old most of the time). She is very excited! Matthew begins school the last week of August and his teacher's name is Miss Celia. I just hope they are ready for our sweet little terror!

Other than that, things are going smoothly. Like I said, we are FULL with boxes. I think that I will take clothes out of boxes today--that should make the master bedroom feel a lot less cluttered.

On the last update, I told you about the plaque that we made for Luke's site. Her are a few pictures of the kids creating the plaque and in front of it at Luke's site. We were so happy to see that grass is beginning to cover his little area.

Em and Matt decorating at my parents' house

Daddy and kids (that is Pop Pop's marker on the right)

Mommy and kids

Emily kissing Wittle Bubba

Bubba kissing Wittle Bubba

The finished product

That was quite a day and I can't believe that Luke isn't with us. I just miss him so much. Every now and then, reality hits and the gravity of losing a child just leaves me numb. It is strange because it is just a feeling that I can't explain. It's like it is so unbelievable that it sometimes doesn't seem real. I am not sure whether or not that makes sense, but it is the only way I can explain it. Every morning when I wake up, it takes me a few minutes to realize that it is real and that we did lose our precious baby boy. Crazy, huh? But like I said, I know that God has a plan for our family and that Luke is a HUGE part of that plan.

In other absolutely wonderful news, Abby Ostlie received her new heart this weekend!!!! She is recovering right now and is doing GREAT! Please pray for Abby as well as the family who lost a child. What a great gift that family gave to the Ostlies! If you want to check up on Abby, her site is on the "links" section to the right of the page. This family has been on an amazingly difficult ride.

Once again, God Bless you all and your loved ones. Thank you for continuing to check up on our family. We are growing together one day at a time!