Fears...

Fear is something that I wish I never felt. It is a scary feeling and no matter how faithful a person you are, fear can creep up on you. I have been feeling a lot of anxiety over the past few days and I know exactly why. We have a couple of ultrasounds coming up in the next few weeks and I think that anxiety is trying to get the best of me. Cuatro is already such a big part of our family and we are so prayerful that he/she is healthy. Emily and Matthew are already attached to the baby. They are constantly kissing my belly and saying how much they love the new baby. I find myself repeating the same prayer without even realizing it...asking God to keep this baby safe and healthy and that he/she has a healthy heart. Emily often lets us know when she prays for Cuatro. At Mass on Saturday, she was praying for Baby...when we pray at night, she always remembers Baby...she even prayed for a healthy heart the other day when she blew a dandelion. I wish that the two of them didn't have to worry about losing another sibling. I wish that they still had an innocence about death. I wish that they didn't lose their baby brother. But, I am positive that they are stronger and more faithful because of Luke. As I always say, he gave us some amazing gifts...the best one is due in March! I would like to ask for prayers for Cuatro and that this Friday's ultrasound goes well. We are just checking for placenta previa (praying that I don't have it anymore) and I am not sure that I want them to check on the heart right now as our level 2 is in two weeks. I will post on Friday...maybe we will have some news on the gender!!!! Plus, our big boy (and I mean BIG) will be FOUR YEARS OLD on Friday! Wow, how time flies!!!!

Another fear that I have is that others will forget Luke and his beautiful life. Once your child is gone, you fear that others will forget him/her. You fear that some will go on and never think about your precious angel. I have had that fear since April 18th--the fear that Luke's Legacy will be forgotten by others. That other people will forget the miracle that he was and the soul that he is. We appreciate your reading the blog as it helps us to realize that there are people who remember Luke and the gifts that he has given others. Without him, many people would still be unaware of congenital heart defects and the lack of funding for research. I know that our baby boy will help other children affected by CHDs.

This weekend, I took the kids to LeBonheur to help paint wine glasses for an event called "Dancing with the Docs". WOW! It was a lot of fun. Emily was very particular about her artwork while Matthew created more of a camouflage effect with his glasses. It was good for me to get to know some of the heart children and their families. I can't say that it was easy going there (I called Tommy on the way there in tears, thinking of the night Luke became an angel), but I am glad that I did. I hope that we were able to help the children who are affected by heart disease each day. I just wished that Luke could have been there with us. I have some pictures that I need to scan, so I will hopefully post them soon so you can see the gorgeous work done by Em and Matt.

On a last note, I have a very special prayer request for you all. As you know from our experience with Luke, HLHS is a nasty defect. Nothing about it is easy and it is a very scary thing to deal with day to day. There is a baby named Gracie Jean Lockyer who is battling for her life right now. I was introduced to her blog via Angel Annabelle Butcher's blog (see the blog list on the right to find her beautiful blog). Since then, we have been praying so hard for Gracie. She is a true miracle, having "coded" a number of times in her little life. But she still keeps fighting. Gracie was born 5 days before Luke, on March 7th (Cuatro's due date) and has been in the hospital ever since. Yes, that means she has spent almost 7 months in the hospital! Gracie is scheduled to have her Glenn (the second HLHS surgery) on Thursday, but the chance of survival is only 10%. PLEASE pray that this miracle child makes it through surgery--I know it is possible because she has already defied so many odds. Please visit her site at: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/graciejeanlockyer. There are a number of heart kids we keep up on and many are having their surgeries soon or are having other complications. Please offer a prayer for these amazing children--they are truly fighters!

Thank you, once again, for allowing me to share our life with you. We feel so blessed that Luke has been a part of all of your lives, even if you were never able to meet him. God bless you all and thank you for your kind prayers!

six months and five months...

Good evening everyone! First off, I need to explain why I failed to write an update on Luke's six month birthday. We had planned to "introduce" everyone to our angel via video. But, as luck would have it, our video camera and dvd were unable to "save" to our computer. So, I am sending the disk to my sister, Katie, to edit for us. Hopefully, you will be able to see and hear our precious boy very soon! I can guarantee that you will be amazed and in awe of our gorgeous son! As each month passes, I can't help but think about Luke and what he would be like. I know he is smiling down on us and is saying lots of prayers for us.

It has been five months since our Luke entered heaven. That night was awful. It is not something I like to remember. I try to remember the times when Luke seemed so full of life and seemed like he wasn't seriously ill. If you were blessed enough to meet Luke, you would know what I mean. Luke did not look sick, he did not act sick, he was just a beautiful baby boy. He was perfect and I am so sad that his heart was not perfect. But, I am at peace with the fact that Luke's heart is now perfect, just as he is. I still pray that no one forgets our angel or the joy and faith that he brought to so many lives.

As you all know, Tommy and I grew up in the Houston area. Hurricane Ike caused a great deal of damage on the East Texas coast and many people are still without power. My father has been in Magnolia since last week (mom is still in MN) and still has no power. Nana (Tommy's mom) stayed with Dad during and after the hurricane. Nana still doesn't have power, either. Luckily, they didn't have any damage to their homes, but a number of people in the area did have damage. We were lucky to have my friend, Amy and her three kiddos come to visit us on their way to Indiana. They decided to leave Magnolia when the lack of power got to be too much. The kids had so much fun playing with Rocco, Addie, and Baby Jack. Please pray for those affected by Hurricane Ike. I had written about Luke's CVICU friend, Patrick, a few weeks ago. Patrick had his surgery the day before Ike hit and was on the ventilator during the storm. How scary for his parents! But TCH is great and I am so happy to say that Patrick is doing wonderfully post-op. Thank you for your prayers for him and please keep them coming for all the heart babies facing surgery.

On Baby #4 front (we call him/her Cuatro--thank you to Amy), we are still on track. I went to see Dr. Tinker today and the baby's heart sounded great at 155 beats. Dr. Tinker was pleased and we are going to have an ultrasound in 2 weeks to check and see if my placenta previa is gone. We have a level 2 ultrasound scheduled for October 15th. We are excited to see our baby, but are nervous about any possible chds. I have been feeling some little movements and I LOVE it. I truly never thought I would feel this miracle again. We are so thankful and feel so blessed with this baby. We would appreciate any prayers for our little sweetie and for a healthy heart. God bless you all and have a wonderful weekend!

Finally...a chance to update!

Hi everyone!

I feel like it has been so long since I updated the blog! Everything is fine, we are just really getting into a routine in our new home. Emily started dance this week (loves it), Matthew started soccer today (loves it), Tommy is so busy with work, and I have been busy trying to make new friends and get to know the town (going to MOPS and starting Moms and Tots at church tomorrow).

Thank you for the prayers for our last ultrasound. Like I mentioned before, it is too early to see any major problems with the heart. We were just checking on some "me" stuff. Matthew and Tommy went with me and Matthew was excited to see his new little brother or sister. He told us that it is a boy and that we will name him Thomas the Tank Engine. I asked if she could see any "goods", but the baby is still too small. Anyway, the baby looked good and had a great heartbeat (did I tear up? Of course I did.). Then, I was told that I have placenta previa. In other words, my placenta is at the bottom of my uterus, covering my cervix. This would not be a good thing if I were further along, but Dr. Tinker believes that since I am so early (was only 12 weeks at the ultrasound--I am about 14 1/2 weeks now), that my uterus will grow and that my placenta will move up. Considering all that we have to worry about, this doesn't really have us too concerned. We will check again at the 20 week level 2 ultrasound. Anyway, here is a picture of our beautiful miracle. The head is on the bottom right and the feet are those two things at the top left. You can see his/her knees bent in the picture. You can also see a gorgeous backbone along the bottom. Enjoy!

Last week was a tough "Missing Luke" week. I miss him so much and sometimes those feelings are completely overwhelming. I want all four of my children to be with us, but we do not have one of them. It is so difficult to grasp sometimes and it is a feeling that no mother or father should feel. Luke would be 6 months old on Friday--I can't believe that he would be that old. He would most likely be done with his second surgery (the Glenn) and just holding tight until the next. Crazy and unbearable at times. I just ask that you please pray for all of the families who are grieving the loss of a child. It is something that no one should ever have to deal with. But I also pray that these families have faith that their child is safe in heaven and is happy with God. Emily and Matthew's favorite thing to do after church is to light a candle for their Wittle Bubba. It is so sweet and heartwarming to watch them as they pray to God for their little brother. I thank God for our faith!

Once again, I ask that you pray for sick children. Patrick Lall's surgery has been moved (once again) to tomorrow. PLEASE pray that his surgery goes well and that his parents can take him home soon. There are so many heart babies who need prayers right now. These children are amazing and are so much stronger than I could ever hope to be. Our friend, Hans (who has neuroblastoma), is still fighting like a champ. Please pray that Hans keeps up his fight and beats this horrible disease. God bless you all and have a wonderful rest of your week!