It is a Good Friday

• Our son died, yet I still feel blessed. How can that be?

Luke was here for such a short time, but his life continues to bless others. 

Luke's life wasn't wasted. He mattered. He was important. He made a difference.

For the second time in the 17 years he has been gone, Luke's angel day falls on Good Friday. The magnitude of this is not lost on me.

I've cried a lot during mass since this day in 2008. This past weekend was no exception. It's usually triggered by a song (usually "Amazing Grace") or words in the homily. During this Palm Sunday mass, it was the poignant words of Deacon Mike. He couldn't have known that we were anticipating the anniversary of the profound loss of our Luke Thomas. Deacon Mike's words meant so much to me that I approached him after mass to ask if I could have a copy of the homily. 

I cried again, which made him cry.

I received a copy of Deacon Mike's homily, and I would like to share some of his words, which will explain why they meant so much to me.

"Each of us individually have our plan for life, our orientation, our order of how things should fit in. Just like the disciples in Jesus’ life. Everything seemed to be going so well and then something happens. One event and our lives are turned upside down, disoriented, disordered, chaos enters in, stress, turmoil, despair, and hopelessness. Dreams might be shattered, hope might be lost, but today we also know this is not to be the final outcome in Jesus', or in our life, if we have faith in Him."

April 18th is always more difficult for me than March 12th. 

I spend the day going through the motions, reliving the moments that passed on that awful day.

We knew he was not well. We knew he was having feeding issues. We knew that there was something wrong.

We even had him at the clinic that day for his weekly checkup. I told the cardiologist that something was not right. I told her that his nose was unusually red. I told her that he was vomiting. He vomited in the office.

And she told me it was reflux and gave us a prescription for Zantac.

We lost him later that evening.

April 18th is not a good day. But I remember what happened on this Good Friday. I remember how Jesus died so that we can be together with Luke again one day. 

And this gives me peace.

I remember the grace that we received when Luke died. I remember the mercy that was shown to our baby boy. 

I remember how blessed I am to be his mother.

I cannot discuss Good Friday without pointing to Mary's role in Jesus' life. Mary has always been important to me. I have always admired her strength, especially as they beat and crucified her son. After we lost Luke, I felt a much deeper connection with Mary as a mother. I could empathize with her grief and understand her pain. 

I pray that all mothers can look to Mary as a hero. I pray that I can emulate her strength, her power, and her humility. 

I apologize that this post is really all over the place. I have written about this day for 17 years and I never quite know what to say. Honestly, I hate that I have to write each year on April 18th. 

But if I don't write, I fear that people will forget that he existed and that he was real. And that he was so very loved.

Luke Thomas, I love you and I miss you terribly.

Emily wrote another post and I wanted to share it with everyone. I am so in awe of her and her faith.

I’m back!! I figured that since I wrote a note for Luke’s birthday that I would also write something for his Angel Day. 

Five weeks seems like a decent amount of time until you actually think back to five weeks ago and think, “Wow! That feels like yesterday!”. This is how Luke’s life felt for me. Maybe it was because I was so young or maybe it was because it really was too short of time. I said this in my last post but I don’t remember much of Luke’s daily life. I remember bits and pieces, but I remember specific memories. These memories are what play in my mind whenever I see a cardinal or whenever he pops into my head. 

Today is Good Friday and today we ache. We ache for the suffering He endured for us. He loves us beyond comprehension and his crucifixion is one of the greatest examples of that. We are promised eternal life in the presence of our Father. Today, my hope is that Luke is held tightly by those who have come before us, the angels and saints, and our Lord. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about Luke and his time on Earth. I miss him immensely.

17 years old.

Seventeen years.

Who would you be?

Would you have been driven and empathetic like Emily? Would you have been loyal and funny like Matthew? Would you have been kind and forgiving like James? 

No, you would be Luke. Just like your siblings, you would be your own person. But what would you be like? I think about your eyes. Your beautiful, deep blue eyes. People always comment about your eyes. About how wise they were. How you somehow knew that your time on earth was short. I think you would have been very wise. Very pensive. Contemplative. I don't think you would have been reckless. You would have been cautious. I think that you would have been easy going and compassionate. I think that your experiences would have helped you to be able to support others and to be a rock when they needed strength. Speaking of strength, I think you would have been so very strong. So, so strong. Nothing would be able to match your courage. I think you would have been quiet, yet still be able to command a room, just by being present. I think you would have been everyone's favorite person.

Luke, you would have been the good that is needed so badly in this world.

There is one way in which I think you would have been a lot like your brothers and sister. I do think that you would have followed a similar path in your faith. I am in awe of the way that Em, Matt, and JB are embracing their faith. I like to think that the gift of your life had a lot to do with their faith and why they believe. They know that one day we will all be together again and they recognize that God showed you mercy when you left this earth to live in paradise.

Luke Thomas, you are our forever baby. Our Wittle Bubba. Our precious child. We only wish that you would have been able to grow up so that we could have known who you would be. 

Until we meet again, we will believe in who we think you would have been. And I will continue to pray, to ask God for a little glimpse of who you are.

Happy birthday, Luke. Thank you for blessing us with your life.

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Emily messaged me today, asking if she could add something to the blog. Of course, my heart melted a little and then I teared up. 

I think that sometimes people forget that Emily and Matthew, although only five and three at the time, were profoundly affected by Luke's life and his passing. He was their brother and they lost a lot of innocence when he passed. They went to bed one night and he was here. The next morning, he was gone. There's not a way to explain that to little ones. Death is a very grown-up concept, and asking our children to understand and accept it seemed (and still seems) crazy to me. Even though James was born after Luke, even a part of his innocence was taken away, as he has always known that he has a brother who we lost, but who he never knew. It's just unfair. 

So when Emily asked if she could write something for Luke's 17th birthday, I was so grateful. I was thankful that she doesn't look at the sadness, but she looks at the joy of Luke's life. She knows it was a privilege to have him with us, if only for a short time. As she told me one day about a year ago, she only remembers the happy parts about Luke's life, and none of the sad parts. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Thank you Emily, for being a part of Luke's birthday blog post. I love you and our family more than anyone could imagine.

From Emily:

I asked my mom earlier today if I could write a little note for Luke’s blog this year. I am nowhere near as equipped as her, as she is always successful in relaying her emotions in writing and really leaving an impact on everyone who reads the blog year after year. With that being said, I wanted to share a few short words about Luke and what his life means to me and I hope it has half the impact hers always does.

I was five years old when Luke was born. For those who knew me at that age, I definitely had a teenage attitude. Funny aside, five years old is young. Even if I thought I was thirteen, I was far from it, especially emotionally.

I don’t remember much of Luke’s life. I don’t remember the day he was born, I don’t even remember his funeral. I remember me and Matthew running to his bassinet and seeing that Luke wasn’t there. I do remember the day my dad told me Luke went to heaven and that “mommy was very sad”. I’m not sure what five year old Emily thought at this moment, but boy would I love to know. I remember his strawberry blonde hair. I remember how fragile he was. I remember Matthew and I having to wash our hands after school before touching him and we could only kiss his feet so as to not risk him getting sick. I remember his adorable smile and some of his cutest outfits. I remember his wake and seeing him in his light blue Easter outfit, an image forever engraved in my brain. I remember how amazing those five and a half weeks were.

I am about to graduate from the University of Georgia with a degree in Human Development and Family Science. With this degree, my coursework is heavily focused on development across the lifespan. Last semester, I took a course called Death, Loss, and Bereavement. I had this class at 8AM Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. What a doozy of a class for 8 AM, right? Believe it or not, this is one of my favorite classes I’ve taken my entire college career. In short, this class discussed the impact of death across the lifespan. This class allowed me to think back on the memories I have of Luke’s life. A few months ago, my mom and I were at dinner and I was explaining to her how much I loved this class and how it’s teaching me a lot about myself and how Luke’s death impacted my life. I told her, “The memories I have of Luke’s life are all positive and happy”. She started tearing up and said that made her so happy.

Little Emily had to grow up very quickly in a lot of ways. I think she would be so proud of present Emily and her journey to becoming a nurse. I know Luke would also be incredibly proud. I truly believe my calling in life is to serve children and families in this way and I have Luke to thank for this calling. His life taught me to be empathetic, to be kind, and to be loving. I could not be more thankful for him.

 

My mom sent me this photo tonight. The way I am looking at Luke in this photo brings me to tears. He was my baby brother. Little Emily had no idea what his sickness meant. She had no idea how sick he truly was. I wonder what he would be like today and I just know we would be the best of friends. He will always hold the most special place in my heart and I will always think of him every time I see a cardinal. Happy 17th birthday baby Luke, I love you!