Seriously, is this not the most beautiful face you have ever seen? Those eyes are the wisest I have ever seen. I always talk with other HLHS moms and we discuss our babies' eyes. It's like you can see directly into their souls. As promised, I am writing this post about Luke. After all, Luke is the reason we began this blog and I want everyone to remember what an amazing soul he is. Lately, I have had a lot of emotions and I'm not sure I can get them across eloquently, but I will try to share them nonetheless. Now back to the picture...as I look at pictures of Luke, I still can't believe it. I can't believe that he was born with half of a heart. I can't believe that he lived through the most critical surgery that is performed on newborns. I can't believe that he came home without any tubes or wires. I can't believe that we lost him. I can't believe that he is no longer with us. Lately, I have seen a lot of babies Luke's age (about 19 months old). I don't know what it is, but I am drawn to these babies. I find them anywhere and no matter what, I can always guess their ages.
I miss him. I miss his smell. I miss his hair. I miss that serious little look he always gave us. I miss his cry. I miss the way he brought everyone together. I miss his smile, although we were only able to see it a few times.
I want him. I want to know how he would look right now. I want to see him walk. I want to hear him say "Mama". I want to see him eat solid foods. I want him to meet his little brother. I want to hear him laugh.
For some reason, it's the laughter that always gets to me. One of the most precious things to hear is the laughter of a baby. Tommy and I never got to hear our baby boy laugh. He was such a serious little man and never made it to that important milestone. I pray that he is up in heaven right now, laughing at me for being sad. I pray that he is up there asking God to make me realize that he is happy and that he is laughing every day. I need that.
Which leads me to something truly amazing. If you have been with us since the beginning, you may remember a few days after we lost Luke that he visited me in a dream. This was my entry on April 24, 2008:
Speaking of dreams...last night I had a dream that Luke came back to life. In the dream, I explained to everyone that he had come back and that he was here with us again. When I woke up to tell Tommy about the dream, he explained that he had a similar dream a few nights ago. After talking about it, we decided that our dreams were the "sign" from Luke and from God that we have been praying for. We think that Luke was telling us that he is alive again, just as Jesus rose after His death. Although it was a "sad" dream for me at the time, I believe that Luke was telling me that he is living in Heaven now, just as he told Tommy a few nights ago.
Well, a few weeks ago, I believe that our angel once again sent his Mommy a very important message. On the night Luke went to heaven, we were asked whether or not we wanted to do an autopsy so that the doctors could "look at his heart". We decided against this as we knew that Luke died of complications from HLHS. We felt peace about our decision. Even though Luke's surgeon confirmed that we would probably never have been able to find out what exactly happened that night, I have always had these lingering questions: was it a stroke? Did he aspirate? Was he in heart failure the week before when he wasn't eating well? Was it a heart attack? What happened to our baby? As a parent, you want to control the situation and that night, that control was taken from us. A few weeks ago, I woke up from a dream without those lingering questions. I woke up knowing what happened to Luke. I can't tell you who was in my dream or if Luke was even there, but I can tell you that I truly believe I know what happened to our baby boy. I believe that our angel let me know what happened to him. I'm not going to go into what I now believe to be true, but I will say that I have an enormous peace about that night and I now know that there was nothing any of us could have done to save Luke. It was his time and it was the time that I believe he and God agreed on before he was even born. Thank you Luke for being my angel.
God bless you all!
All of us in front of the fountain at The Peabody Hotel.
"The Clones" on the way to the water park in Sevierville.
Emily and Matthew with the water park's mascot.
James and Uncle Rob (my brother)
Bump celebrating with Emily and her cousin Dannie. These girls have so much fun together!!!!
Daddy and Matthew at Matt's Chuck E. Cheese birthday party. Yes, I am one of those moms. I loathe Chuck E. Cheese, too, but this is what Matthew really wanted. I had a birthday party there when I was little and I still remember it (either that, or the fact that my sweet Aunt Ginny told me that Chuck E. hates kids). Either way, Matthew had a blast! 
Sunday was absolutely gorgeous and so we went to the town center and took some pictures of the kids. This is the best we could get of all three of them! 
Our gorgeous girl, Emily. Emily has been doing excellent work in first grade. Her teacher is a perfect fit and Emily adores her. We have been so blessed with wonderful teachers and pray that this trend continues. I'm not sure if I have ever mentioned it in the blog, but Emily was diagnosed with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis (JRA) when she was four years old. It took two years to get a diagnosis, so we were happy when we finally got one. Of course back then, we thought that JRA would be the worst thing that we would ever have to deal with. I only wish that were the case! Anyway, her doctor had released her from care back in April because she was doing so well...over two years without a flare. We were so excited that we were done with the swollen knee, stiffness, and limping. A few weeks back, I had noticed that Emily's knee was getting swollen again and that it seemed warm. Well, long story short, she is in the middle of another flare. UGH! But we are praying that meds will help it out and that she won't have the issue for much longer. Her birthday is at the end of the month and she will be SEVEN years old! She is having an all-girl party at the local pottery place. Emily is enjoying her dance class and is excited to take part in her dance studio's production of The Nutcracker in December. We can't wait to see her perform!!!!
Emily and Dannie
I love this kid!
And then there is THIS ONE. Oh my goodness how he makes us smile. Matthew turned FIVE years old on October 3rd. I can't believe that he is 5. Matthew is in his last year of preschool and he absolutely loves it. He is like a completely different kid this year. His teachers tell me that he is an "angel" and that they never have to reprimand him. Tommy and I are so proud of our big boy. He is playing soccer and started karate. He has really taken to karate and is really good at remembering all of the moves. He still cracks us up with his "Matthewisms". He had a dream the other night about God. I really think that Matthew has had conversations with God in his dreams. Anyway, there is a little girl in his class who won't pray with the rest of the kids. This has really upset Matthew (although he doesn't seem too bothered when he doesn't say grace or prayers at home. hmmmm) and in his dream, he asked God if He gets upset when this little girl doesn't pray. God told him that yes, He gets upset and that He cries. From the mouths (or rather dreams) of babes!
Patiently waiting to blow out the candles on his little cake (the one we had in Dallas).
Chuck E. with Matthew
And finally, the BABY! We love this picture of James. Tommy and I figured out that these puffs get pretty sticky. So just for fun, we stuck some on James' face for the picture. He does it all the time by himself, but this time we had the camera near. He is such a happy baby! Since I last posted, James has had another set of tests looking for tumor growth. Thankfully, the tests were negative and we won't have to test again until December. James has had some pretty big milestones: he is sitting up, eating some table foods, and he is crawling. He is definitely ahead of the other two as they didn't crawl until about 10 months or so. Tommy and I are amazed at how easy going James is. He will go to anyone! Of course, we are still dealing with waking up at night, but as I always say, we are just glad that he is here and that he is a part of our family. 
