At sunset the little soul that had come with the dawning went away, leaving heartbreak behind it.” – L.M. Montgomery
I read this quote today, and it really struck me. It also made me think more about the brief time that Luke spent here on earth. And the grief that followed.
Fifteen years seems like a long time, but it truly feels like yesterday. I remember seeing Luke for the first time. I remember looking at his little hands as he nursed right after birth. I remember noticing that they were still blue. When I asked the nurse about his hands, she reassured me that it takes a while for blood to circulate through a newborn's body. She heard a murmur a few moments later...
I would by lying if I said that I have never asked God "why Luke"? Why did our baby have to die? Why wasn't our baby one of the ones who made it? Why did we have to bury him? This boy was so wanted, he was so loved.
One day, I will know the answer to these questions, but not until I enter eternity with Luke.
I'm not going to lie. This post has been weighing heavily on my heart over the past few weeks. I have been writing on this blog for almost fifteen years. At the beginning, I wrote one or two times a week, just to share our triumphs and our setbacks. To share the happy and the sad.
It's not an exaggeration to say that this blog is one of the things that has helped me in my grief journey. Openly sharing my feelings has been a way for me to deal with my own grief, while hopefully showing others that it is ok to be sad, to encourage, to remember.
But this year, it has been really difficult to post.
I just can't think of anything that will be encouraging or uplifting.
Fifteen years of writing in the blog, and I'm lost.
I just don't know what to write, but I feel an obligation to write.
Because, in my mind, if I don't write then I fear that people will forget about him. And I have always said that Luke can't make his legacy, so it is our responsibility to make one for him.
I am well aware that {some} people have grown tired of me talking about Luke. I'm not blind to the fact that some of our closest friends have stopped reaching out. And that is heartbreaking.
But we will not ever stop talking about Luke. Because that is our responsibility as his parents. So I really want to apologize to those who I make uncomfortable. It is not my intention to upset others, it is just my intention to allow people know Luke. I look at it as a privilege to know and love our precious son.
When I say that this post is probably the most difficult one I have written, it is probably because I have been writing on it for such a long time. Fifteen years.
It's a difficult concept to think of all that he has missed: high school, driving permit, dating...but then I realize that those things don't matter to him, because Luke is in heaven. He finished the good race, just a little earlier than most.
I read a comment on social media the other day, it was on a video that a mother posted about the loss of her child. The poster said that to us, we grieve the life that the child didn't have. But to the child, he knew love his entire life, so he lived a full life {I summarized}.
I pray that Luke felt how much he was loved. I pray that although his life was short in our eyes, in his eyes his life was full.
I feel the need to apologize for this post. It isn't the kind of post I am used to writing. But it is my heart and it is truth. Fifteen years is a long time to write about your child's death.
But if it helps one person know and remember our Luke, then I have done my job as his mother.
God bless our little Saint Luke, and may he intercede in all of our prayers.
