A note from Aunt Katie

Hi everyone! This is the time that I have been dreading all day. It was about right now two years ago that Luke went into distress at my parents' house. There was a flurry of activity and a lot of fear. I have a lot of memories from that evening, many that I would rather not have. But my memory of the peace that I felt that night is probably the strongest. God gave me the gift of peace that night--I needed that. I know that Luke is where he was always meant to be, no matter how much I wish he was with us.

I wanted to share a note that my sister Katie wrote about her memories of April 18, 2008. I read this today and it really touched me. It is a wonderful example of what Luke means to all of us. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, especially today. God bless you all!

I woke up at my parents' house in Houston. I was down for work, and I stayed there so that I would get some time with Baby Luke. He had been home from the hospital for a couple weeks, and it was great to see him at home.

The night before, I had fed him his bottle and snuggled with him. I got to do that. I got to hold him. Two of my sisters never did. That morning, I woke up, got ready for work, packed to go home, and slipped in to his room to see him before I left. He was sound asleep in his bassinet, so I just whispered goodbye, and I headed out.

I had an uneventful day at work, and caught my flight back to Minneapolis. Somewhere above Oklahoma, Luke became an angel. I didn't know until I got home. The phone rang (it was after 11 PM, so that was odd). I asked Tom who was calling, and he said it might be my mom. I asked why she was calling, and he said that it was because she was at the hospital. I asked why she was at the hospital, and he said the worst thing I have ever heard in my life: "Luke died."

I collapsed on the floor, crying, wailing, not knowing what to do. I knew Luke would be okay. But what about my sister? What about Tommy? What about my parents? What would they do? What would I do? What would Emily and Matthew do? Luke was gone. And we were left.

That moment is forever etched in my mind. Those words, the feel of the floor when I hit my knees, the sound of Emma asking her father why I was crying, the call to the airline to get my tickets for the next morning...It's always going to be there. And I don't want it. I don't want to have this. I don't want to wake up every day knowing that my sister and her husband ache for their Baby Boy. I don't want to know that my parents are forever changed.

What I do want is for people to understand how pervasive Congenital Heart Defects are. They are the absolute number one birth defect in the world, affecting 1 out of every 100 children. Some are mild, but some are, like Luke's Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, major malformations that require countless surgeries and hospital stays, and often end in death.

I want people to know that Luke Thomas Haberman may have only lived for 5 weeks, but he did more and fought harder than anyone else I know.

And most of all, I want Luke to know that if I could have traded places, I would have. I love you Baby Luke. I miss you.

Dear Luke

To my sweet, brave boy:

Mommy misses you so much. I look at your pictures throughout the day and still can't believe that you aren't with us. It still isn't real to me. I wonder if it will ever be? How are things up in heaven? I bet you are having a wonderful time, running around and playing with your friends. I pray that you hear me when I talk to you. There are so many feelings that I have right now. Mommy can't even figure them out...maybe you can ask God to help me? I so wish that things were different, Luke. I wish that all four of our babies were with us. I wish that April 18th, 2008 hadn't ever happened.

I wanted to let you know that there are things that I would have done differently if I had known that it was your last day with us:

* I would have demanded an echo at your appointment that morning.
* I would have taken you out in the town, letting anyone and everyone meet a true angel on earth.
* I would have held you the whole day. I wouldn't have put you down.
* I would have taken in your sweet smell.
* I would have stroked your hair.
* I would have made sure that Emily and Matthew held you, snuggled you, and let you know how much they loved you.
* I would have looked deeply into your beautiful blue eyes and told you how proud I was of you, how you had done more in your short life than I will ever do, how thankful I was to be your Mommy.
* I would have told you how much I would miss you. That I would think of you every minute of every day. That I would cry at the thought of you not being with us.
* I would have told you not to be scared and that Mommy and Daddy knew that your life in heaven would be much better than your life with us.

Luke, the loss of our "bringer of light" has been incredibly difficult. You are missed so incredibly much. I just pray that you know how much your family and friends love you and miss you. How much you mean in our lives. How much of a difference your life has made in this world. You are amazing and I look forward to the day I can hold you in my arms again. Thank you for letting me be your Mommy...I am a pretty lucky gal!

Love you my baby,
Mommy

Easter and a BIG Prayer Request

Does he look like a totally different kid to you? He sure looks different to us!

Do you want a shirt like this for your little one? Check out my good friend, Bobbie's, site at http://www.stickymonkeydesigns.com/. Bobbie makes a variety of things, including waterproof labels, room decor, and custom t-shirts. I also have some of Bobbie's Sticky Monkeys (labels) and they are AWESOME!

"But Grampa, I want your hat and Mommy's sunglasses!"

Again, Bobbie's amazing work: http://www.stickymonkeydesigns.com/. If you don't see what you are looking for on the site, just e-mail Bobbie and she can create it!


"M" is for "Matthew"--how cute is that? http://www.stickymonkeydesigns.com/. Bobbie will ship anywhere!
A new favorite: melted M&Ms!


Waiting for Mass to begin--this kid is crazy funny!

This is truly the best pic we could get of all the kids after Easter Mass.

The men


The Ladies


I like this pic of the two of them. Daddy and his little princess...boy does she have him wrapped around her little finger!


Mommy and Daddy

We had a wonderful Easter...we enjoyed Easter egg hunts, dyeing eggs, making an Easter house, and had tons of fun with Gramma and Grampa. Emily was so excited for Mass because it was her first time singing with the children's choir--she did great!

It was wonderful celebrating Jesus' Resurrection. The meaning behind the Easter season becomes more and more clear as I get older. My faith has grown immensely in the past two years and I thank God for that. Some days seem so difficult that the only way I can get through them is by relying fully on God. As a control freak, giving up that control is extremely difficult...but I am trying. I'm not saying I am perfect in my faith...just ask Tommy. I am constantly questioning things and wondering why, but I am trying and that is the best that I can do. I am thankful that Jesus died for my sins so that I can enjoy eternal life with Him and Luke one day.

I had a very special thing happen during the celebration of Jesus' Resurrection: during Mass, I found myself holding the heart locket that my sister Katie gave me after Luke died. She had his name engraved on it and it is simply perfect, just like him. My mother has told me that she feels Luke every so often and I get upset because I don 't feel him. I think that my holding the locket was Luke saying "hi Mom"--he was with me. I needed that. I needed him.

As we get closer to Luke's Angel Day, I feel myself becoming a bit more tense, a bit more clouded, a lot more sad. I don't think I realized these feelings until this week, but they are there and they are intense. I try to put on a good face, but the reality is that I am still in mourning. I am still mourning what my two-year old would be doing right now, what his voice would sound like, what his favorite things would be. I am mourning what could have been, what should have been. Has "it" gotten easier? Yes. Has the hurt lessened? No. To say I am fearful of April 18th would be an understatement. I am terrified. I would rather skip April 18th for the rest of my life. But I know that Luke is safe and that he is healthy. He doesn't hurt and he is whole. I miss him, but I am certain that he is much better off where he is now.

I have a very important (and exciting) prayer request for you all: please remember Carter Oswalt and his family this evening. I wrote about Carter a few months ago and his fight against HLHS. We met Carter's family through our work with Luke's Tree. Carter has been at Vanderbilt in Nashville since December, waiting on a heart. Well, the amazing news is...CARTER'S HEART HAS ARRIVED! Carter's dad, Bo, announced the news on the CaringBridge site this afternoon. The transplant will happen this evening around 11 or midnight and prayers are that Carter's body accepts his new heart easily and that recovery is quick. It will be great to see this family together again, home in Mississippi. If you have a chance, please stop by Carter's site and leave them a quick note...I know they would appreciate your support. Here's the address: www.caringbridge.org/visit/carteroswalt. I can't mention Carter without mentioning the family who so selflessly gave their child's heart for Carter to have a new lease on life. What a wonderful gift to give to a stranger. Please pray for this family as they are in mourning for the life of their child. They are heroes!

Once again, thank you for all of your prayers and support. God bless you all!