Healing

Healing.

I've been thinking about this word a lot lately. Not the physical kind of healing, but the emotional kind of healing. The past few weeks I've had quite a few discussions about healing with Tommy, with my family, with my friends.

I've wondered: have I healed adequately enough since losing Luke? I'm not sure...is there a right answer to that question? No.

The truth is, as his 3rd birthday approaches, I fear that others think that I should be healed. That I should remember him, but not get upset when I think about him. That line of thinking makes no sense to me. How can I remember him without getting sad? Should I just pretend that "it's all good" and that my heart doesn't sink each time I see his picture or every time I hear his name?

It finally hit me the other night: he is my child and I should talk about him. I was with some very sweet friends and we were talking about our children. I always have a difficult time with this: do I talk about Emily, Matthew, and James but ignore Luke's life? Should I just keep quiet and not talk about any of them? I mean, why can't I include him when I talk about our other miracles? They each (all four) have their own stories, their own personalities, their own lives. Luckily, these kind ladies listened as I shared about all of our babies.

When I talk about Emily, I mention her keen fashion sense, her willingness to help. When I talk about Matthew, I include his Godliness, his sweet nature. And James? I always tell people about his laid back nature and how he makes us all laugh.

So what about Luke? Can't I tell people about how he fought? How he made sure he would get out of that hospital quickly so that he could come home with us? How he waited until Tommy got home from his trip before he went to heaven? He was sick that entire week. I am confident that he knew he was dying. But he waited, he suffered that entire week so that he could spend his last few moments with his Daddy. I will never let anyone take that away from his legacy. I want to share his eyes with others. I want to share his hair. I want to share his spirit. But then I worry--will I be a Debby Downer? Will talking about him cause others to shy away from conversations with me? Probably. But if he's my child, why can't I talk about him, too? It's such a fine line.

When I write posts about Luke, I understand that people may think that I haven't healed. But I think that writing about him helps me to heal. I am not the same Bernie that I used to be, but I *think* that I am a better Bernie (although at times, the new Bernie makes me mad).

Truth be told, I am not sure how to act. I have no idea. I hope that I am healing, but maybe I'm not. I guess I may never feel healed--part of my heart was torn from my chest on April 18, 2008. How do you get that back? How can I get that back?

Please remember all of the heart warriors, both angels and here on earth during February. It is National Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Month and we need all the support and awareness that we can get! Let's heal these kids both in the physical and emotional sense. God bless you all!

Christmas with Luke

We had an amazing Christmas with Nana again this year. The kids all got things that they wanted: an American Girl Doll for Em, DS games for Matt, Little People for James, among other things. I will post pictures on another day (although lately, "another day" means 4 weeks from now).

I wanted this post to be about our Luke and his Christmas. You see, this was a very different Christmas for Luke. Nana was here with us, Gramma and Grampa have moved to Georgia, and of course we are not able to be with him on Christmas Day. One of the most difficult parts about not having Luke with us is that we are not able to visit his site since it is in Houston. I know, I know. "But Bernie, he is not there." I know that in the spiritual sense, Luke is not in that ground. BUT, it is the place where Tommy and I said our last goodbyes to him. It is a tangible place for us to see him.

OK, I'm getting off topic (which I do a lot, especially if you have ever talked to me--it takes me like 30 minutes to tell a 5 minute story and don't even ask me to repeat a joke I have heard). What I wanted to share with you is a kind act that a special friend did for me at Christmastime.

Hilary and I were in MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) together for a few years when we lived in Texas. I had the pleasure of working with Hilary on the leadership team and am so glad that I got the chance to know her. Hilary has gone to visit Luke before, bringing her oldest (Ty) and sharing Luke with him. A few weeks before Christmas, Hilary wrote me and asked if she could go visit Luke for me and Tommy. She said that she didn't want us to feel like he was alone at Christmas and that if it was something that would help us, she'd like to do it. She also asked if I would like to write a letter to him and that she would read it to him. WOW! Her note left me in tears and I couldn't wait to write him a letter.

So, I wrote the letter (through tears) and Hilary read it to our sweet boy. She and Ty brought Luke a tree, with special decorations made by Ty. The picture of his site is at the top of this post. You can see the tree from Hilary and her family, the tree that sweet Nana brought by before her trip to Memphis, as well as the silver Hot Wheels car that Gramma and Gramma brought him before they moved.

I thought you all might want to see the letter I wrote. I'm not even sure that Tommy has read it yet, but I want everyone to know how much we love that little soul and how much we miss him. Luke's 3rd birthday is fast approaching and I find myself getting in a bit of a funk. I am feeling quite anxious and overwhelmed. I fear that people are forgetting him and that others think that I should be over it. You never get over losing a child. It just doesn't happen. The "what-ifs" are pretty rough and they come at you without any warning.

There are many great things happening here: James will be TWO one month from today, Emily is getting an award for an essay she wrote, and Matthew will start baseball soon. Tommy is really enjoying his job and I have some really great volunteer opportunities with Le Bonheur. My nephew Greg is doing AWESOME with his chemo treatments and has far surpassed our greatest expectations. Please visit his site at www.caringbridge.org/visit/gregpurvis and feel free to leave him a message. Like I have said before, he is a great kid and he is going to kick Hodgkin's BUTT! Rita, Mike, and Clare have been an amazing support system as well as Gramma and Grampa (Gramma is a laundry maniac so I'm sure it lets Rita relax a lot more having them there).

Thank you for sharing in our story. Your thoughts and prayers for our family have gotten us through a lot of difficult times. God bless you all.

Here's the letter to Luke:


December 22, 2010

My Baby Boy,

Sweet Luke. My sweet, strong boy. I miss you so much. You have no idea the hole in my heart without you here with us. Your brothers and sister make me and Daddy so happy, but we will always miss our wittle bubba.

Christmas is one of the most difficult times of the year for me since we lost you. I love watching Em, Matt, and James open their gifts, but I can't help but imagine what it would be like with you here, too. Would we be in the hospital, waiting for your Fontan or worse yet, a transplant? Would you be growing up big and strong? Would you be whipping HLHS in the bootie? Would you and James wrestle all of the time?

WOW...you are so much better off in heaven. You don't hurt, and you are beyond happy. I do have a special favor to ask of you: will you please ask God to heal your cousin Greg? He is such a good boy and he loves you so much. He thinks about you a lot. He is scared right now, so I would like to ask you to give him special angel hugs and let him know that he will be ok.

I wish that I could come see you today, I wish that I was at your site, decorating a special tree for you. I pray that you know how much Mommy and Daddy love you and that you know that we would give anything to have you with us.

Please thank Miss Hilary for coming to visit you for me. She has come before and she is a true friend. I'm sure she would love it if you send a birdie friend her way while she is at your site.

Thank you for being our son, Luke. I hope you are amazed at what your legacy has become. Your life has helped so many people: in their faith, in the relationships, and through Luke's Tree. Who would have ever imagined that our tiny little baby would make such an impact on people's lives? Following in great footsteps, I guess, especially at Christmastime.

I know that you are not in your site, but that you are all around us. Still, I can't help but fear that you are cold and alone. I would love it if you could give us a sign that you are near...maybe on Christmas Day? :)

We love you very much and we are sure that you are celebrating Jesus' birth in style up in heaven!

Love you so much baby boy,
Mommy
...and Daddy, Sissy, Bubba, and Bubby

Luke's Tree 2010--in pictures!

We we able to bring these boxes to the families who were in the CVICU on Christmas. They contained blankets, toys, gift cards, etc.

There were 6 patients in the CVICU on Christmas who received the boxes

The Tree

My girls helping organize

More of my girls...

Even more of my girls...they ROCK!

Yup, all those bags are filled with toys for good girls and boys!

Toys, and bikes, and kitchens galore!

Yummy goodies for the families

This is what happens when you give the kid a cake pop!

Emily helped us pass out the wrapping supplies

...and he was a happy boy the whole time

Gramma and Grampa helped us so much...wrapping parent gifts, organizing the gifts, doing gift inventories, picking up & dropping off the U-Haul trailer (yes, we had so many gifts that we needed a trailer to bring them all to Le Bonheur).

THANK YOU SO MUCH TO GRAMMA AND GRAMPA!

With Whitney and Linda--they are awesome staff at Le Bonheur!

ALL GONE!

We would like to thank you all for your support this year. Last year was awesome, but this year was unbelievable! We received some very nice notes and comments from a few of our families and I want you all to know how much they appreciate your help. We are so blessed to be part of such a special project.

Luke's Tree had the opportunity to be featured in not one, but TWO newspaper articles. Here are the links:

www.commercialappeal.com/news/2010/dec/19/healing-hearts-one-gift-at-a-02/

www.memphisdailynews.com/editorial/Article.aspx?id=54541

We are very thankful for the awesome reporters who shared our special project with the people of Memphis.

We are also thankful for the amazing families who we have met on this journey. These families are facing so much uncertainty, but they face each day with a smile and with optimism. Unfortunately, Luke's Tree lost one of its own on New Years Eve. It was heartwreching to hear of this sweet baby's passing, but Tommy and I feel so blessed that we were able to meet his mom and dad (and we even got to see the baby when we brought the gift boxes to the families in the CVICU at Christmas). I was also very lucky to have attended this sweet soul's funeral yesterday. I wish every child could experience the love that this little boy received from his parents and that love was so evident yesterday.

Thank you, also, to the staff at Le Bonheur. Many on the staff adopted families and we would not have been able to do any of this without Le Bonheur's help. I love being a part of the Le Bonheur Family!

God bless you all and have a wonderful week!