It has been 14 years since Luke was born. And in about five weeks, it will be 14 years since we lost him. A beautiful life lived in just over five weeks.
But most days, none of this seems real. It's like a dream.
Speaking of dreams, I had a vivid one last night. It was one of those dreams where I was back in college {we all have those kind of dreams, right?}. I was selected to be a Fish Camp Co-Chair {my Texas Aggies know}. But I was no longer in college. I was in my mid-forties and I had a family. I remember thinking while I dreamt: "why would they choose me to be a Co-Chair again? I am married, a mom, I have a job, and I am old!" I knew while dreaming that none of it made sense. And when I woke up, I was relieved that it was only a dream.
But this dream. This one is real. This is a nightmare.
Each morning when I wake up, it only takes a few moments for me to realize that he is really gone. That this is real life. That this is a nightmare from which we will never wake up.
As much as this nightmare hurts, our world is better because he lived.
He was real.
He was the best parts of me and Tommy. He had his Grampa's ears and his father's nose. He had my grandmother's mouth and his brother's curly hair.
He was real.
He was such a good baby. He rarely cried. He watched us. His eyes were so wise.
He was real.
His legacy lives on in me and Tommy. In his siblings. In his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. His legacy lives on in Luke's Legacy Boxes and in the countless families who have been helped through the generosity of our family and friends.
Because he was real.
And I am so thankful for this real baby boy, despite the endless nightmare of being an angel mom. I count myself blessed that Luke was mine and that we were able to share nine months, just me and him. How lucky am I that I carried a saint for nine months and that I was able to meet him face-to-face? As much as I wish I could wake up from this dream, I am able to recognize the important part that he played in my life: that every life is worth being lived.
He was real.
Happy 14th birthday, beautiful boy. I so wish I could wake up from this dream and you would be here with us.
