These were the words that my father wrote on Luke's CaringBridge site the day after we lost him.
This is when we had to start living our new normal: life without our son.
On Luke's 12th birthday last month, I wrote about fear. Unfortunately, fear has gripped our country and our world more than I ever could have imagined. The day of his 12th birthday, the world as we knew it completely fell apart.
Now, we continue to hear two words: new normal.
New normal. I truly can't think of any term that tears into my heart more than this phrase. These words are like nails on a chalkboard. Because it's not really a "new normal". It's a new life. It is a life that you never could have imagined. It's a life that you probably never asked for and one that you definitely never wanted.
The new normal after Luke died was almost impossible. It was painful, emotionally and physically. Yes, physically...my body had grown a baby for nine months and suddenly I had no baby to nurse or to be my calm while I healed. My body went into shock. And the crying. The crying wasn't your ordinary ugly cry after you watch a Nicholas Sparks movie or see that sad Hallmark commercial. This cry was guttural. It was loud. It was deep. It was angry. It was painful. The new normal after Luke died brought even more grief: the loss of relationships that I believed to be real and meaningful, the disappointment in people who weren't present when we needed them the most, leaving our old normal (boring, but beautiful) life.
As for what we are all facing at this moment, I feel like after we settle into our new normal, things won't always be easy. At first, it will feel impossible, emotionally and physically. What we are dealing with right now is emotional trauma. We are scared, forced to feel fear each time we see another stat or read another article. We are stressed, wondering when the paychecks will stop or whether we will have a job after all of this. We are physically (and many times, emotionally) distant from loved ones and friends. When we come back together (and I have to believe that we will come back together), how will this trauma affect our ability to "just be"? Because right now, we are all just trying to survive.
But you know what? The new normal doesn't have to be awful all the time. It won't be perfect. It won't be like it was before. But our new normal can be OK. It can bring good.
As I said, our new normal after losing Luke was tough at times. But it wasn't all bad. No, this new normal helped us realize how precious life truly is. We were blessed with James and he, along with Emily and Matthew, helped us live through our grief. Their lives, and the hope that comes with watching them grow, takes away much of the sting of grief. This new normal also brought us the gift of empathy. It is true that, until you face something similar, it is virtually impossible to be empathetic. You may be sympathetic, but empathy is a bit more difficult to grasp. Emily and Matthew, living through the pregnancy, life, and loss of Luke, learned that kindness is always the way to go. Be kind to everyone you encounter, because you never know what storm they may be facing.
I think that the same can be said for what we are facing right now. The new normal won't be perfect. It won't be rainbows and sunshine. But as I said, it can bring good. I am hopeful that the end of this pandemic will bring more compassion for others and what they are facing. For the first time in our lives, the entire world is in this together. We are all facing this virus--no one person is alone. It doesn't matter if you are from the United States or Australia, Italy or Singapore. It doesn't matter if you are a conservative or a liberal. And it doesn't matter if you liked "Tiger King" or hated it. Everyone has been affected by this novel virus. We are all in this together. As such, when we come out of quarantine, I hope that our new normal includes more patience, more thoughtfulness, more humanity...and less hatred, malice, and contempt for those who act or think differently.
Yes, the term new normal will always give me pain, but I need to remember the good that has happened as well. And just as our new normal after Luke caused pain as well as joy, I have faith that our new normal post-COVID19 will also bring the joy with the pain.
I want to leave you with a picture of our perfect baby boy...one that my sister took post-op, with his little hands, clenched in fists, showing the world his strength. I pray that this precious face of perfection gives you hope. Hope that kindness and love will return to our world when we face our new normal. Because if we can't be good to others, then we are allowing the virus to win.
