Eight months ago, I fed my baby for the last time. Eight months ago, I changed my baby's diaper for the last time. Eight months ago, I held my baby for the last time. Eight months ago, I said "goodbye". Eight months ago, I cried. Today, I still cry. ( I think I have written almost the same thing in a previous entry, but I still feel the same).
Today, we were so busy that I didn't even realize what day it was until I got home from Emily's Christmas party at school. It's not that I didn't think of Luke throughout the day, it's just that I didn't realize that today is the 18th. Today is one of the most difficult days for me each month. I think that God was giving me a break, knowing that I could use half of the day to get things done with Em and Matt, without thinking about the date. I thank Him for that as I was able to enjoy Em's party immensely.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the day that Luke went to heaven. I'm not sure if it is because of the anxiety I feel about James' birth and expected stay in the NICU or if it is simply because it is Christmas-time, "the most wonderful time of the year". I still have so much guilt, thinking "if I had just pushed this issue or that issue more, then Luke would be here with us now." I will never look at ambulances in the same way and I still have a difficult time passing the funeral home here in town. So much about our lives has changed since Luke joined our family. We have learned more about faith, more about love, more about hope, more about ourselves, more about each other, and we have been given the gift of a new life in James! We are so grateful for Luke's life and thank God for him each day!
We have had a busy week here...Matthew's Christmas program was on Monday. Boy, was he proud to be on stage and boy, did he look exactly like my dad! I have posted a short video below for you to see (sorry for the poor quality...we used our regular camera). He is the tall boy in red on the top left. The kids are singing "Away in a Manger" and did a great job! He was so proud and he made us so proud! Emily's Christmas party was today. Matthew and I joined her class to decorate gingerbread houses and to eat lots of yummy snacks. It is always fun to visit Emily's class--kindergarten is one of my favorite grades! Of course, I didn't have my camera today...I was doing well by bringing the fruit for the party! I love my babies and I am so glad that I was lucky enough to celebrate with them!
On Tuesday, Tommy and I met with Dr. Langham. He is the chief of surgery at the children's hospital and we feel very comfortable with him doing the surgery. Of course, we are not certain whether or not he will perform James' surgery as it will depend on who is on-call the day James is born. We were hoping for some more concrete answers, but until our sweet boy is born, the surgeons won't have a plan. They will need to develop a plan just for James, so we wait...As I said before, the anxiety seems to be getting to me more and more. After all, James will be here in a little less than 2 1/2 months. I am nervous about another baby in the NICU, more feeding issues, intubation, etc. Moms who have been through this before, I am sure you understand the anxiety. To fight these feelings, I find myself begging God to take them away. I literally ask Him out loud to give me the strength that I need to get over the fear. As always, He does and I feel instantly better. I love it when He gives me peace about James--I always welcome that peace. Dr. Langham is going to call the head NICU nurse and ask her to give us a tour of the facility. I believe this will really help me and Tommy prepare for what we will be facing once James is here. We also asked him about child life for Emily and Matthew. Child life is a program that helps siblings deal with having siblings in the hospital. He said that the NICU staff will be able to help us with that. I feel that the kids are becoming more and more nervous as James' arrival nears. I want them to feel as comfortable about all of this as possible.
Nana (Tommy's mom) is coming next week to visit for Christmas. We are all very excited about having her here and the kids are SUPER excited. We have some ideas planned for the week, so we should keep Nana very busy. We hope she is ready for a loud and crazy house!
Once again, I want to thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and kind words. I know I have said this before, but I am terrified of people forgetting about Luke and all of the things he brought to our lives. We always appreciate your comments, both here and on CaringBridge. We thank you for your support for our little family. God bless you all!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
My Miracles
I feel like I haven't written in a long time...I guess I haven't. we have been so busy during this season, that I haven't had a chance to just sit and blog. I have wanted to write about the subject of miracles for a very long time now. I feel so blessed in my life that I have been given so many miracles. I wanted to share them with all of you:
My husband. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to marry the man of my dreams, the man God made for me. I found that in Tommy. He is wonderfully perfect for me and he makes me smile each time I look at him or even think about him. He is my husband, the father of my children, and my best friend. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I share everything with this man and he knows me better than anyone. He knows what to say and when to say it. He is the miracle who I prayed for all of my life.
My children. These are the miracles who have made me who I am: a Mommy. I may not be perfect at my job, but they give me enough kisses and hugs to reassure me that I must be doing something right. They are the most amazing little people and God has blessed me abundantly with them. Emily is my confident, helpful, beautiful little girl who has given me the gift of pride. Matthew is my talkative, boisterous, handsome little man who has given me the gift of patience (if you know Bubba, you should be laughing right now). Luke is my strong, courageous, gorgeous little boy who has given me the gift of a stronger faith. James is my active, sweet, adorable baby boy who has given me the gift of hope. How lucky am I to have been given such gifts? God must truly love me!
My family. OK, so some people may say that I am too close to my family. But I disagree. How can you be too close to family? Family is what helps to form the person that you are. Without my family, I may not be the Bernie that I am today. My family has taught me faith, love, strength, perseverance, the list goes on and on. My parents did an amazing job raising five children. They are examples to others and I appreciate the fact that they didn't decide to stop at 4 kids! I can never thank my parents, my brother, and my three sisters enough for being there for us during the past nine months. I know they will never know how much they have helped us during these difficult months. I also want to make sure to include my extended family in this category. My grandmother, grandfather, and aunts and uncles have been amazing through all of this. Luke had so many great aunts and great uncles come to the funeral! He is like a little rock star in our family--I know that no one who knew him (whether in person or via the computer) will ever forget the impact that he made on their lives. When James arrives, he will get to meet many of his great aunts and uncles, also. They are all so eager to come, meet James, and help out and we welcome them with open arms!
Tommy's Family. Just as I cannot imagine who I would be without my family, I cannot imagine who Tommy would be without his family. Tommy was a "surprise" baby and his parents raised him with such strength and faith. I know I have said it many times, but I cannot imagine getting through this year without my husband's faith and strength. Thank you to Nana and Pop Pop for raising such an amazing man. He wouldn't be who he is without you and his brothers.
All of our medical staff. Doctors are amazing people. They go to school forever and then spend their lives caring for others. They don't always get to take time off for holidays and they make their patients their priority. Had it not been for the doctors, we wouldn't have had the 5 1/2 weeks with Luke that we were blessed with. If not for the doctors here, we would not be able to expect a lifetime with our James. What a miracle! I also want to mention all of the nurses and other medical staff who we have come in contact with and who we have yet to meet. These people are absolutely selfless and wonderful. They care for my babies like they are their own. I can never thank them enough.
Friends. All of you have been a constant miracle in my life, even before Luke was born. I have always been able to count on my friends for everything. But especially now, after everything that we have been through, you have been extraordinary. For the first time in my life, I can say that I have friends who I have never even met. How miraculous is that? There are people out there who I never knew before Luke's birth who I can honestly call friends. WOW! God has really helped me out, hasn't He? He knew that I would need you and His call was answered by you. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
One group of friends I have made since we began this journey are other heart moms. One of these moms, Shannon (mom to Carlie--her blog is on the right), has created a video montage to help raise awareness of congenital heart defects. Shannon asked for pictures of heart babies, both angels and living. Luke is included in this video and it is very moving. Please take the time to watch this video, it really points out how devastating heart defects can be. I know that Shannon reads the blog, so please feel free to leave any comments at the bottom of this post for her to read. I am sure she would love to read them! We really appreciate your taking the time to watch her presentation--it means A LOT to us! Here is the video:
Luke's birthday was this past Friday. He would be 9 months old right now. I can't believe that! I can't believe that 9 months ago, we welcomed a very brave little boy into our lives. One who I truly believe knew in his little broken heart that he would only be with us for a short time. I believe that Luke was sent as a gift from God for all of us. He lived so strongly and so happily for the 5 1/2 weeks that he was with us. Our angel's life gave us the gift of James and for that, we are so thankful to him and to God. We are blessed.
Just a quick prayer request...on Tuesday, we are meeting with the surgeon who will perform James' surgery (ies). Dr. Langham is the surgeon and we have read and heard great things about him. He is very qualified and we look forward to learning more about the procedure(s) and what to expect. We will write this week to let you know what we hear from him. Please say a prayer that our meeting goes smoothly and that Dr. Langham is able to answer all of our questions (there are a lot:) ). Thank you for your continued prayers for our family and for our children. God bless you all!!!!
My husband. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to marry the man of my dreams, the man God made for me. I found that in Tommy. He is wonderfully perfect for me and he makes me smile each time I look at him or even think about him. He is my husband, the father of my children, and my best friend. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I share everything with this man and he knows me better than anyone. He knows what to say and when to say it. He is the miracle who I prayed for all of my life.
My children. These are the miracles who have made me who I am: a Mommy. I may not be perfect at my job, but they give me enough kisses and hugs to reassure me that I must be doing something right. They are the most amazing little people and God has blessed me abundantly with them. Emily is my confident, helpful, beautiful little girl who has given me the gift of pride. Matthew is my talkative, boisterous, handsome little man who has given me the gift of patience (if you know Bubba, you should be laughing right now). Luke is my strong, courageous, gorgeous little boy who has given me the gift of a stronger faith. James is my active, sweet, adorable baby boy who has given me the gift of hope. How lucky am I to have been given such gifts? God must truly love me!
My family. OK, so some people may say that I am too close to my family. But I disagree. How can you be too close to family? Family is what helps to form the person that you are. Without my family, I may not be the Bernie that I am today. My family has taught me faith, love, strength, perseverance, the list goes on and on. My parents did an amazing job raising five children. They are examples to others and I appreciate the fact that they didn't decide to stop at 4 kids! I can never thank my parents, my brother, and my three sisters enough for being there for us during the past nine months. I know they will never know how much they have helped us during these difficult months. I also want to make sure to include my extended family in this category. My grandmother, grandfather, and aunts and uncles have been amazing through all of this. Luke had so many great aunts and great uncles come to the funeral! He is like a little rock star in our family--I know that no one who knew him (whether in person or via the computer) will ever forget the impact that he made on their lives. When James arrives, he will get to meet many of his great aunts and uncles, also. They are all so eager to come, meet James, and help out and we welcome them with open arms!
Tommy's Family. Just as I cannot imagine who I would be without my family, I cannot imagine who Tommy would be without his family. Tommy was a "surprise" baby and his parents raised him with such strength and faith. I know I have said it many times, but I cannot imagine getting through this year without my husband's faith and strength. Thank you to Nana and Pop Pop for raising such an amazing man. He wouldn't be who he is without you and his brothers.
All of our medical staff. Doctors are amazing people. They go to school forever and then spend their lives caring for others. They don't always get to take time off for holidays and they make their patients their priority. Had it not been for the doctors, we wouldn't have had the 5 1/2 weeks with Luke that we were blessed with. If not for the doctors here, we would not be able to expect a lifetime with our James. What a miracle! I also want to mention all of the nurses and other medical staff who we have come in contact with and who we have yet to meet. These people are absolutely selfless and wonderful. They care for my babies like they are their own. I can never thank them enough.
Friends. All of you have been a constant miracle in my life, even before Luke was born. I have always been able to count on my friends for everything. But especially now, after everything that we have been through, you have been extraordinary. For the first time in my life, I can say that I have friends who I have never even met. How miraculous is that? There are people out there who I never knew before Luke's birth who I can honestly call friends. WOW! God has really helped me out, hasn't He? He knew that I would need you and His call was answered by you. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
One group of friends I have made since we began this journey are other heart moms. One of these moms, Shannon (mom to Carlie--her blog is on the right), has created a video montage to help raise awareness of congenital heart defects. Shannon asked for pictures of heart babies, both angels and living. Luke is included in this video and it is very moving. Please take the time to watch this video, it really points out how devastating heart defects can be. I know that Shannon reads the blog, so please feel free to leave any comments at the bottom of this post for her to read. I am sure she would love to read them! We really appreciate your taking the time to watch her presentation--it means A LOT to us! Here is the video:
Luke's birthday was this past Friday. He would be 9 months old right now. I can't believe that! I can't believe that 9 months ago, we welcomed a very brave little boy into our lives. One who I truly believe knew in his little broken heart that he would only be with us for a short time. I believe that Luke was sent as a gift from God for all of us. He lived so strongly and so happily for the 5 1/2 weeks that he was with us. Our angel's life gave us the gift of James and for that, we are so thankful to him and to God. We are blessed.
Just a quick prayer request...on Tuesday, we are meeting with the surgeon who will perform James' surgery (ies). Dr. Langham is the surgeon and we have read and heard great things about him. He is very qualified and we look forward to learning more about the procedure(s) and what to expect. We will write this week to let you know what we hear from him. Please say a prayer that our meeting goes smoothly and that Dr. Langham is able to answer all of our questions (there are a lot:) ). Thank you for your continued prayers for our family and for our children. God bless you all!!!!
Monday, December 1, 2008
James Update
James at 26 weeks, 2 days
Hi everyone! We just wanted to give a quick update on Sweet Baby James. Tommy, my mother, father, and I went to the perinatologist today to check out our little man. We are SO happy to say that James looked absolutely perfect! His omphalocele has not changed in size and his intestine continues to be the only thing involved. We had another fetal echo cardiogram and were able to see all of the chambers, valves, and a perfect aorta! We were also excited to see the inflow and outflow of each valve. It is such a nervous feeling walking into the ultrasound room, but each time we are told this "looks perfect" and that "looks great", we let out a huge sigh. I had the privilege of seeing the ultrasound with my mother as she had never seen a level 2 or 3D ultrasound. There were happy tears and many thoughts of our angel, but it was a really great thing to see that our baby boy is doing so well. He weighed in at 2 pounds, 2 ounces and was measuring 2 days big. None of our other babies ever really measured large. In fact, they usually measured about 5 days small. We are still praying for growth, growth, growth!!!! We are hoping to make it to 39 weeks before we meet our newest miracle. I have to say that James was making the tech laugh as he moved all around during the entire ultrasound--he never stopped fidgeting! He is already head down, as all of my babies like to do at about this time. Because of that, the above pic is the best we could do. The poor tech tried to get a good face picture for about 20 minutes, but James wouldn't cooperate, just like his big sissy! He is hiding behind a hand, a placenta, and an umbilical cord. He also has his face pushed up against my placenta, so his little nose is a little mushed. He is looking a lot like Emily, which means he will be his Daddy's boy! We look forward to meeting him in a few months, but not too soon.
I wanted to wish everyone a belated Happy Thanksgiving! We had quite the time here. My parents, my 3 sisters, their spouses and children all came to town to celebrate with us. I have to admit that having 10 adults and 11 children in our house kept things pretty upbeat. Of course, we missed our Luke like crazy. There were times during the weekend that I just broke down, wishing that Luke could be here with us and imagining him in a high chair spitting out all of his food. We missed him a lot and I relied a lot on others to help me get through the sadness. Thank you to everyone for making our first Thanksgiving without Luke as painless as possible. We are so thankful that God sent us such an amazing soul and that he has blessed us with yet another miracle. We are truly blessed with extraordinary children and we thank God for all of them!!!!
Forgive me if this entry is all jumbled as I am trying to get downstairs for dinner. I just wanted to give an update on James. Once again, we appreciate all of your prayers for our family. We are still praying for no chromosomal defects and continued growth for James. We are also continuing to pray for a miracle and that James' omphalocele disappears. We are so thankful for all of you, especially during the past almost 9 months. You have no idea how much you have helped us through this extremely difficult time. God bless you all!
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