I tend to write in stream of consciousness...I guess I'll continue that trend.
We are in the thick of things here at the Haberhouse. I used to think that the toddler days were difficult. And they were. But these years. These years are hard. Perhaps more difficult than when the kids were little and dependent on us for everything.
Don't get me wrong, I love this time in our lives. I love the conversations that we share with the kids, the girls' days with Em, watching them play their sports, seeing them achieve goals. But these years are hard.
And with that difficulty comes the constant reminder that we are missing one. That beautiful boy with wise eyes and great hair. That voice that I long to hear. That hand that I wish to hold. That face that I will never kiss again. We are missing one.
And that makes these years even harder. We won't see him play sports. We won't see him drive. We won't see him graduate from high school. We won't see him grow up.
I don't think I will ever understand why Luke was taken at such a young age. I can truly appreciate those who say that they don't ask "why?" after a tragedy. But I still ask "why?". I guess I am not strong enough to understand the whole picture.
Why?
Why Luke?
In these times when we are in the thick of things, I can't help but wonder if God thought that I wasn't strong enough to mother four teenagers at once? That I didn't have enough patience? That I would not be able to handle the difficult times?
That I wasn't enough.
Because y'all, sometimes I'm just not enough. And I want to be enough because I would give anything to have that sweet soul back with us. I want to be enough so that I would be able to see him play sports. To see him drive. To see him graduate. To see him grow up.
Oh, I miss him more than you could ever imagine. It is such a deep hole. A gaping hole. A huge part of me is missing and each day, it hits me like a ton of bricks: I wake up, oblivious to everything but my alarm clock. Life is perfect. And then I remember. And the hole makes it's presence known. It's a nasty cycle.
There are so many feelings that occur on Luke's birthday. Feelings of thankfulness, sadness, joy, and despair. Feelings of weakness and frustration. Feelings of love.
Because...boy, did we love him.
I pray that he knows this. I hope that he can hear me when I ask him to pray for me. When I ask him to pray for strength to get through a difficult time. When I beg him for a sign that he is near.
And although we are in the thick of things, and sometimes I feel that Em will never stop arguing. That Matthew will never smile for a picture. Or that James will never stop talking (seriously y'all, he talks incessantly 😂). I know that I love them with the part of my heart that still exists. I know that they are precious miracles. Gifts from God. And although I may not always be enough, I pray that they grow up to know that their mother loved them with every inch of her being and that she would do anything for them.
I love you, beautiful Luke. Happy 9th birthday, precious boy. And please pray for me. That I can be enough. And that Daddy and I can guide your brothers and sister through the thick of things.
