Triggers

Have you ever walked by someone who is wearing a familiar perfume and it made you think of your grandmother? Have you ever seen a butterfly and it sparked the memory of chasing them with your best friend? Have you ever heard a name and thought immediately about a loved one who shares the same name?

These triggers are usually happy ones, ones that lead to the memories of wonderful times. I have a lot of happy triggers, like when I go into James' room in the morning and I remember all of the trials he has already endured in his life. Another one is when I see Emily skip and remember when her arthritis caused her to lose that ability. When I see Matthew's bike helmet, I recall how quickly he learned how to ride a two-wheeler (even before Emily did). My parents' mountain cabin is the constant reminder of the night I found out I was pregnant with Luke--an amazing memory. One of my favorites is every day when I look at the bridal portrait on my bedroom wall...it reminds me of the most beautiful day when I married the man God created for me.

I also have triggers that break my heart. They remind me of the hole in my heart that was created the night we lost Luke. That hole will never be filled...it will always be empty. I have a number of triggers that tear me up inside...

* The mention of the name "Luke". I never realized how popular his name is.
* When people ask me how many children I have. The majority of the time, that question leads to a long, drawn out story of our kids. I feel badly for the person who asked, but I cannot ignore the fact that I have four children. I cannot ignore his life. He is mine and I gave birth to him. No one (and I mean no one) can deny the fact that he lived--I won't let them.
* Orange and brown car seats. I loved, loved, loved Luke's car seat and that is where he sat while in the ambulance the night he passed.
* A heart picture...it can be a picture of a real heart or a drawn heart. Any heart makes me think of my heart baby.
* Pregnant women. Yes, I know I have been pregnant 4 times but I will never have that "ignorance is bliss" again in my life. I wish I had that again.
* Seeing children who are the same age as Luke. It reminds me of what he would be doing and how he would be growing.
* Any children's hospital.
* Cemeteries and funeral homes, especially the funeral home down the street from us. It is run by the same company who handled Luke's funeral.
* The box in my closet that holds the letters, Mass cards, books, etc. that were sent to us after we lost Luke. I see it every day and open it every so often. Tommy knows that the end result will be tough after I open that box.
* The smell of hospital soap. Ugh.
* St. Anthony of Padua. The mere act of going to Mass there (when we visit Houston) is a difficult one for me.
* When people tell me I am busy with the three kids. I want to tell them that I have four children, not three. Truth be told, I do that more times than not, but the other times I just smile and say "yes, I have my hands full".
* Medical dramas on tv. There is a reason I don't watch Grey's Anatomy any longer.
* Jimmy John's Sub Shop. This is where Tommy, Em, Matt, and I ate after we found out that Luke was not Ava Caroline. This is also where we decided on his very excellent name.
* His picture. Every time I pass by a picture of him, I take a very deep breath.
* Pulse-Ox machines. Enough said.
* Ambulances. I have always said a prayer when ambulances pass us, but that prayer takes on a whole new meaning now.
* The number of a doctor's office popping up on caller id.
* Matthew talking about Luke. I am serious...this kid has a direct line to God and to Luke. He is so deep and amazing in his faithful thoughts.
* The smell of fresh flower arrangements. I was at Mass last night and walking around with our (now walking) little boy and I smelled a familiar scent: the smell of fresh flowers. There was a beautiful arrangement in the Fellowship Hall. I distinctly remember how wonderful the flowers smelled the day of Luke's funeral. The smell filled the church and later, my parents' house.
* My father. I have said this before, but he and Luke had a very special bond. I still see the pain in his eyes and it kills me.
* The Communion of Saints during the Consecration at Mass. I know that our baby is there at the altar "breathing" on the candles, causing them to flicker. Pretty cool, huh?

Oh, there are so many more triggers, both good and bad. I just wanted to share some of my triggers with you. I am thankful to God for these triggers because they constantly remind me that we have a baby up in heaven who is asking God to hold us when we need Him. I will never forget Luke and I pray that he is in the thoughts of others, too. God bless you all and thank you to all of the brave men and women who have given the ultimate sacrifice for the freedom that we hold so dear.

Growing Up

I remember when I was little...all I wanted to do was grow up. I remember wanting to go to Kindergarten so that I could ride the bus. Wanting to go to second grade so that I could write a special book that only Mrs. Adamson's class got to write. Wanting to go to sixth grade so that I could have a locker. Wanting to go to high school so that I could date. Wanting to go to college so that I could learn more about myself. Wanting to find my best friend so that I could marry him. Wanting to get married so that I could be a mom.

Now? I would like to stop growing up. Seriously, I'm good. It is so cliche', but this is happening too quickly. I see the hopes and dreams that I had when I was a child in the eyes of my own babies. I see the little girl who is about to start second grade, the little boy who will begin kindergarten in the fall, and the baby who *gulp* will attend Mother's Day Out next year. Where has the time gone? Where are my babies? They are growing up and it is too much for me.

This beauty is truly becoming a little lady. She may not be a morning person and she may not always be nice to her little brother, but she has a very gentle heart. I have watched her with her friends and with babies and she is so kind. Is she the typical oldest child, bossy and mothering? Yes. But her heart is pure and she loves with all of it. Tommy and I are so very proud of this little girl. She was awarded a Citizenship Award at school and scored the highest in her class (along with a classmate--they tied) for her reading level. She is an over-achiever and has self confidence that I could only have wished for at her age. She is amazing and we are looking forward to her dance recital next month!

I don't think I am ready for this one to grow up. This is a picture of him after his final preschool program. He is now officially a kindergartner. He is a constant source of laughter and fun. We are so proud of his accomplishments this year. He has really taken to reading and seems to enjoy it (which has really surprised us). He is intent on behaving in kindergarten and is counting down the days until the first day. Matthew's teacher wrote the sweetest thing on his end of year evaluation: "Matthew is every teacher's dream student." I am a very proud Momma, so forgive me for bragging...but if you knew him when he was two years old, you would be proud, too. :)

There really are no words for this one. He has brought such joy to our lives and it pains me to think of all that he has been through. He's a tough one and he gives us a run for our money. He is learning new things each day and he is growing up way too quickly. He is so friendly and says "ha" (hi) to everyone he sees. We are so happy that he is our baby and that we were blessed with his life.

I can't think of Emily, Matthew, and James growing up without thinking of our angel who will never grow up. Luke is perpetually 5 1/2 weeks old. He will always be a baby and we will never know what a grown up Luke would be. We will never get to see him go to preschool, to kindergarten, to college. He will never get married, he will never be a father. He will always be our baby. This is one of the most difficult things that Tommy and I face each day. We are at peace with God's plan for Luke, but as his parents it is still difficult not to think of what might have been.

Before I turn in for the night, I wanted to share the story of the Huggins Family with you. Kyle and Christie have three great children: Lauren, Blake, and Tristan. I "met" Christie through Carter Oswalt's blog (www.caringbridge.org/visit/carteroswalt) and we had a great conversation last week. Christie and I have a great connection because we are both heart moms. Lauren and Blake are twins who were born a few months before Luke. Lauren is heart healthy, but Blake has HLHS just like Luke. Blake is a warrior and has achieved some pretty amazing feats. He has had his first two surgeries (Norwood and Glenn) and will have his Fontan next month. PLEASE pray for this family while they travel to Vanderbilt for this surgery. Tristan is Kyle and Christie's third child. He was diagnosed with a particularly lethal form of HLHS (yes, there are varied degrees of HLHS). They were told that Tristan's heart was so broken that he wouldn't even make it to birth. Christie gave birth to Tristan on May 2nd at 25 weeks gestation. He lived in their arms for an amazing 23 minutes. Christie wrote the most wonderful tribute post to him on her blog at www.kyleandchristieplus3.blogspot.com. Please visit to see pictures of this gorgeous family and please add them to your prayer list. As I said, Christie and I spoke last week and we had an instant connection. She is so strong and really gave me a lot of hope. She also gave me some information on a research study that is going to look at CHDs and genetics. If you are a heart family and would like more information, please drop me a line. Thank you to Christie for sharing your heart and your story...I am in awe of you.

Once again, God bless you all. We are anxiously awaiting a fun-filled summer, full of swim lessons, VBS, and trips to the museum.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all of the amazing mommies out there. Happy Mother's Day to the ones who kiss boo-boos and give unlimited hugs. Happy Mother's Day to the ones who cheer when their baby is up to bat and to those who watch with awe as their princess dances on stage. Happy Mother's Day to the ones who are sitting next to a hospital bed, begging God to save their child and to the ones who have cradled their little one in their arms after they went to be with God.

None of us have the same story, but we all have the same bond. Being a mother is the most important job I will ever do. It is a gift that was given to me and I cherish it with all of my heart. I am not a perfect mommy, just ask my kids. But, I do take my job seriously and realize that it is my responsibility to teach my children to be good, faithful people. I am a work in progress and I pray that God (and my children and husband) continue to forgive my mistakes and applaud my successes.

Again, Happy Mother's Day to each of the beautiful mothers reading this blog. A special thank you to my mother because without you and your guidance, I wouldn't be able to handle any of what life has thrown at me. You are an amazing woman and you need to give yourself more credit for the job that you have done with the FIVE of us. To my mother-in-law Nana, thank you for teaching your son to be strong, caring, and empathetic--he is my rock (and he's pretty darn cute, too). God bless you all and enjoy the recent pics and videos (my sister Rita told me it was time to post some stuff).

Big boy Matthew up to bat!

James loves to eat...seriously, he eats more than Em and Matt combined.

My mom planted some peonies last year in Luke's memory and they really took off this year. Simply beautiful, just like him.

James and my gorgeous girl playing with the Cozy Coupe.

This is the epitome of our Matt.

NO STITCHES! Look at that tiny little tongue. There's also a little hair up there.

This is our sweet boy dancing. He just LOVES to watch Yo Gabba, Gabba. If you haven't seen the show, you need to check it out--it reminds me of a show that would have run in the early/mid 1970s. It's far out, man.

James is walking (sort of). He is not doing a lot on his own yet, but the skills are there and he will walk to get what he wants (i.e. M&Ms or the door out of church). Not to worry, though, as Emily and Matthew were very late in walking and they are just fine. My kids just like to be lazy, I guess. Hmmmm...wonder what that says about me and Tommy?