Triggers

Have you ever walked by someone who is wearing a familiar perfume and it made you think of your grandmother? Have you ever seen a butterfly and it sparked the memory of chasing them with your best friend? Have you ever heard a name and thought immediately about a loved one who shares the same name?

These triggers are usually happy ones, ones that lead to the memories of wonderful times. I have a lot of happy triggers, like when I go into James' room in the morning and I remember all of the trials he has already endured in his life. Another one is when I see Emily skip and remember when her arthritis caused her to lose that ability. When I see Matthew's bike helmet, I recall how quickly he learned how to ride a two-wheeler (even before Emily did). My parents' mountain cabin is the constant reminder of the night I found out I was pregnant with Luke--an amazing memory. One of my favorites is every day when I look at the bridal portrait on my bedroom wall...it reminds me of the most beautiful day when I married the man God created for me.

I also have triggers that break my heart. They remind me of the hole in my heart that was created the night we lost Luke. That hole will never be filled...it will always be empty. I have a number of triggers that tear me up inside...

* The mention of the name "Luke". I never realized how popular his name is.
* When people ask me how many children I have. The majority of the time, that question leads to a long, drawn out story of our kids. I feel badly for the person who asked, but I cannot ignore the fact that I have four children. I cannot ignore his life. He is mine and I gave birth to him. No one (and I mean no one) can deny the fact that he lived--I won't let them.
* Orange and brown car seats. I loved, loved, loved Luke's car seat and that is where he sat while in the ambulance the night he passed.
* A heart picture...it can be a picture of a real heart or a drawn heart. Any heart makes me think of my heart baby.
* Pregnant women. Yes, I know I have been pregnant 4 times but I will never have that "ignorance is bliss" again in my life. I wish I had that again.
* Seeing children who are the same age as Luke. It reminds me of what he would be doing and how he would be growing.
* Any children's hospital.
* Cemeteries and funeral homes, especially the funeral home down the street from us. It is run by the same company who handled Luke's funeral.
* The box in my closet that holds the letters, Mass cards, books, etc. that were sent to us after we lost Luke. I see it every day and open it every so often. Tommy knows that the end result will be tough after I open that box.
* The smell of hospital soap. Ugh.
* St. Anthony of Padua. The mere act of going to Mass there (when we visit Houston) is a difficult one for me.
* When people tell me I am busy with the three kids. I want to tell them that I have four children, not three. Truth be told, I do that more times than not, but the other times I just smile and say "yes, I have my hands full".
* Medical dramas on tv. There is a reason I don't watch Grey's Anatomy any longer.
* Jimmy John's Sub Shop. This is where Tommy, Em, Matt, and I ate after we found out that Luke was not Ava Caroline. This is also where we decided on his very excellent name.
* His picture. Every time I pass by a picture of him, I take a very deep breath.
* Pulse-Ox machines. Enough said.
* Ambulances. I have always said a prayer when ambulances pass us, but that prayer takes on a whole new meaning now.
* The number of a doctor's office popping up on caller id.
* Matthew talking about Luke. I am serious...this kid has a direct line to God and to Luke. He is so deep and amazing in his faithful thoughts.
* The smell of fresh flower arrangements. I was at Mass last night and walking around with our (now walking) little boy and I smelled a familiar scent: the smell of fresh flowers. There was a beautiful arrangement in the Fellowship Hall. I distinctly remember how wonderful the flowers smelled the day of Luke's funeral. The smell filled the church and later, my parents' house.
* My father. I have said this before, but he and Luke had a very special bond. I still see the pain in his eyes and it kills me.
* The Communion of Saints during the Consecration at Mass. I know that our baby is there at the altar "breathing" on the candles, causing them to flicker. Pretty cool, huh?

Oh, there are so many more triggers, both good and bad. I just wanted to share some of my triggers with you. I am thankful to God for these triggers because they constantly remind me that we have a baby up in heaven who is asking God to hold us when we need Him. I will never forget Luke and I pray that he is in the thoughts of others, too. God bless you all and thank you to all of the brave men and women who have given the ultimate sacrifice for the freedom that we hold so dear.