Once again, I am at a loss. What can I say that hasn't been said a hundred times? How can I explain the unexplainable? When will the emptiness go away?
Once again, the memories will come flooding back. That horrible night. The sights. The sounds. The helplessness. The fear.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow, it will be seven years since we said "goodbye".
Once again, April 18th will be an acute reminder of the worst day of our lives.
I really want to be positive y'all. But the truth is, being his mother is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. It's just not fair.
Most days I am good. I can talk about him with a smile. I can put on a happy face, making sure not to make anyone else uncomfortable. I can explain how sick he was and how he is in a better place.
And he definitely is in a better place.
But I still want him here. I want him with us. Each and every day.
And it's hard. It's hard because, once again, I'm writing this post, worried about what people will think.
And why do I worry about what they will think? Do those people know what it's like to bury a child? Have they had their hearts broken in so many pieces that it will never be the same? Who are they to judge a grieving mother?
So, I will tell you how I feel: I feel sad. And happy. I feel angry. And joyful. I feel scared. And optimistic. I could go on and on.
Because when we lost Luke, everything changed.
And as I have said many times, I have changed.
Part of that change enables me to be more straight-forward and less "Pollyanna Sugarcoat" {a nice little name my sister Rita once gave me}. And frankly, I'm ok if people aren't ok with me. Because my life was fundamentally changed on April 18th, 2008. And there was nothing I could do to stop that change from happening.
Luke's death hasn't made me bitter (well, maybe a little), but it has made me better. To others, I may not seem to be a better Bernie {believe me, I struggle with "New Bernie" a lot}. I'm more inclined to speak my mind, to stand up for myself and others, to be the advocate that my children need. I have allowed relationships to wane, but have invested a lot of time in developing new ones. I have realized how important it is to keep people close who make you better, and not bitter. I've let go when I wanted to hold on, because I now know what's better for me. And I'm ok with it all.
Once again, as with
Once again, we will spend tomorrow with the ones we love. Once again, we will remember the most beautiful boy in the world. Once again, we will hold fast to the promise that we will see him again. And once again, we will thank God for being given the chance to be Luke Thomas Haberman's mommy and daddy.
Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.
Luke 18:17
