Seventeen years.
Who would you be?
Would you have been driven and empathetic like Emily? Would you have been loyal and funny like Matthew? Would you have been kind and forgiving like James?
No, you would be Luke. Just like your siblings, you would be your own person. But what would you be like? I think about your eyes. Your beautiful, deep blue eyes. People always comment about your eyes. About how wise they were. How you somehow knew that your time on earth was short. I think you would have been very wise. Very pensive. Contemplative. I don't think you would have been reckless. You would have been cautious. I think that you would have been easy going and compassionate. I think that your experiences would have helped you to be able to support others and to be a rock when they needed strength. Speaking of strength, I think you would have been so very strong. So, so strong. Nothing would be able to match your courage. I think you would have been quiet, yet still be able to command a room, just by being present. I think you would have been everyone's favorite person.
Luke, you would have been the good that is needed so badly in this world.
There is one way in which I think you would have been a lot like your brothers and sister. I do think that you would have followed a similar path in your faith. I am in awe of the way that Em, Matt, and JB are embracing their faith. I like to think that the gift of your life had a lot to do with their faith and why they believe. They know that one day we will all be together again and they recognize that God showed you mercy when you left this earth to live in paradise.
Luke Thomas, you are our forever baby. Our Wittle Bubba. Our precious child. We only wish that you would have been able to grow up so that we could have known who you would be.
Until we meet again, we will believe in who we think you would have been. And I will continue to pray, to ask God for a little glimpse of who you are.
Happy birthday, Luke. Thank you for blessing us with your life.
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Emily messaged me today, asking if she could add something to the blog. Of course, my heart melted a little and then I teared up.
I think that sometimes people forget that Emily and Matthew, although only five and three at the time, were profoundly affected by Luke's life and his passing. He was their brother and they lost a lot of innocence when he passed. They went to bed one night and he was here. The next morning, he was gone. There's not a way to explain that to little ones. Death is a very grown-up concept, and asking our children to understand and accept it seemed (and still seems) crazy to me. Even though James was born after Luke, even a part of his innocence was taken away, as he has always known that he has a brother who we lost, but who he never knew. It's just unfair.
So when Emily asked if she could write something for Luke's 17th birthday, I was so grateful. I was thankful that she doesn't look at the sadness, but she looks at the joy of Luke's life. She knows it was a privilege to have him with us, if only for a short time. As she told me one day about a year ago, she only remembers the happy parts about Luke's life, and none of the sad parts. For that, I am eternally grateful.
Thank you Emily, for being a part of Luke's birthday blog post. I love you and our family more than anyone could imagine.
From Emily:I asked my mom earlier today if I could write a little note for Luke’s blog this year. I am nowhere near as equipped as her, as she is always successful in relaying her emotions in writing and really leaving an impact on everyone who reads the blog year after year. With that being said, I wanted to share a few short words about Luke and what his life means to me and I hope it has half the impact hers always does.
I was five years old when Luke was born. For those who knew me at that age, I definitely had a teenage attitude. Funny aside, five years old is young. Even if I thought I was thirteen, I was far from it, especially emotionally.
I don’t remember much of Luke’s life. I don’t remember the day he was born, I don’t even remember his funeral. I remember me and Matthew running to his bassinet and seeing that Luke wasn’t there. I do remember the day my dad told me Luke went to heaven and that “mommy was very sad”. I’m not sure what five year old Emily thought at this moment, but boy would I love to know. I remember his strawberry blonde hair. I remember how fragile he was. I remember Matthew and I having to wash our hands after school before touching him and we could only kiss his feet so as to not risk him getting sick. I remember his adorable smile and some of his cutest outfits. I remember his wake and seeing him in his light blue Easter outfit, an image forever engraved in my brain. I remember how amazing those five and a half weeks were.
I am about to graduate from the University of Georgia with a degree in Human Development and Family Science. With this degree, my coursework is heavily focused on development across the lifespan. Last semester, I took a course called Death, Loss, and Bereavement. I had this class at 8AM Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. What a doozy of a class for 8 AM, right? Believe it or not, this is one of my favorite classes I’ve taken my entire college career. In short, this class discussed the impact of death across the lifespan. This class allowed me to think back on the memories I have of Luke’s life. A few months ago, my mom and I were at dinner and I was explaining to her how much I loved this class and how it’s teaching me a lot about myself and how Luke’s death impacted my life. I told her, “The memories I have of Luke’s life are all positive and happy”. She started tearing up and said that made her so happy.
Little Emily had to grow up very quickly in a lot of ways. I think she would be so proud of present Emily and her journey to becoming a nurse. I know Luke would also be incredibly proud. I truly believe my calling in life is to serve children and families in this way and I have Luke to thank for this calling. His life taught me to be empathetic, to be kind, and to be loving. I could not be more thankful for him.
My mom sent me this photo tonight. The way I am looking at Luke in this photo brings me to tears. He was my baby brother. Little Emily had no idea what his sickness meant. She had no idea how sick he truly was. I wonder what he would be like today and I just know we would be the best of friends. He will always hold the most special place in my heart and I will always think of him every time I see a cardinal. Happy 17th birthday baby Luke, I love you!
