Healing

Healing.

I've been thinking about this word a lot lately. Not the physical kind of healing, but the emotional kind of healing. The past few weeks I've had quite a few discussions about healing with Tommy, with my family, with my friends.

I've wondered: have I healed adequately enough since losing Luke? I'm not sure...is there a right answer to that question? No.

The truth is, as his 3rd birthday approaches, I fear that others think that I should be healed. That I should remember him, but not get upset when I think about him. That line of thinking makes no sense to me. How can I remember him without getting sad? Should I just pretend that "it's all good" and that my heart doesn't sink each time I see his picture or every time I hear his name?

It finally hit me the other night: he is my child and I should talk about him. I was with some very sweet friends and we were talking about our children. I always have a difficult time with this: do I talk about Emily, Matthew, and James but ignore Luke's life? Should I just keep quiet and not talk about any of them? I mean, why can't I include him when I talk about our other miracles? They each (all four) have their own stories, their own personalities, their own lives. Luckily, these kind ladies listened as I shared about all of our babies.

When I talk about Emily, I mention her keen fashion sense, her willingness to help. When I talk about Matthew, I include his Godliness, his sweet nature. And James? I always tell people about his laid back nature and how he makes us all laugh.

So what about Luke? Can't I tell people about how he fought? How he made sure he would get out of that hospital quickly so that he could come home with us? How he waited until Tommy got home from his trip before he went to heaven? He was sick that entire week. I am confident that he knew he was dying. But he waited, he suffered that entire week so that he could spend his last few moments with his Daddy. I will never let anyone take that away from his legacy. I want to share his eyes with others. I want to share his hair. I want to share his spirit. But then I worry--will I be a Debby Downer? Will talking about him cause others to shy away from conversations with me? Probably. But if he's my child, why can't I talk about him, too? It's such a fine line.

When I write posts about Luke, I understand that people may think that I haven't healed. But I think that writing about him helps me to heal. I am not the same Bernie that I used to be, but I *think* that I am a better Bernie (although at times, the new Bernie makes me mad).

Truth be told, I am not sure how to act. I have no idea. I hope that I am healing, but maybe I'm not. I guess I may never feel healed--part of my heart was torn from my chest on April 18, 2008. How do you get that back? How can I get that back?

Please remember all of the heart warriors, both angels and here on earth during February. It is National Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Month and we need all the support and awareness that we can get! Let's heal these kids both in the physical and emotional sense. God bless you all!