Fears...

Fear is something that I wish I never felt. It is a scary feeling and no matter how faithful a person you are, fear can creep up on you. I have been feeling a lot of anxiety over the past few days and I know exactly why. We have a couple of ultrasounds coming up in the next few weeks and I think that anxiety is trying to get the best of me. Cuatro is already such a big part of our family and we are so prayerful that he/she is healthy. Emily and Matthew are already attached to the baby. They are constantly kissing my belly and saying how much they love the new baby. I find myself repeating the same prayer without even realizing it...asking God to keep this baby safe and healthy and that he/she has a healthy heart. Emily often lets us know when she prays for Cuatro. At Mass on Saturday, she was praying for Baby...when we pray at night, she always remembers Baby...she even prayed for a healthy heart the other day when she blew a dandelion. I wish that the two of them didn't have to worry about losing another sibling. I wish that they still had an innocence about death. I wish that they didn't lose their baby brother. But, I am positive that they are stronger and more faithful because of Luke. As I always say, he gave us some amazing gifts...the best one is due in March! I would like to ask for prayers for Cuatro and that this Friday's ultrasound goes well. We are just checking for placenta previa (praying that I don't have it anymore) and I am not sure that I want them to check on the heart right now as our level 2 is in two weeks. I will post on Friday...maybe we will have some news on the gender!!!! Plus, our big boy (and I mean BIG) will be FOUR YEARS OLD on Friday! Wow, how time flies!!!!

Another fear that I have is that others will forget Luke and his beautiful life. Once your child is gone, you fear that others will forget him/her. You fear that some will go on and never think about your precious angel. I have had that fear since April 18th--the fear that Luke's Legacy will be forgotten by others. That other people will forget the miracle that he was and the soul that he is. We appreciate your reading the blog as it helps us to realize that there are people who remember Luke and the gifts that he has given others. Without him, many people would still be unaware of congenital heart defects and the lack of funding for research. I know that our baby boy will help other children affected by CHDs.

This weekend, I took the kids to LeBonheur to help paint wine glasses for an event called "Dancing with the Docs". WOW! It was a lot of fun. Emily was very particular about her artwork while Matthew created more of a camouflage effect with his glasses. It was good for me to get to know some of the heart children and their families. I can't say that it was easy going there (I called Tommy on the way there in tears, thinking of the night Luke became an angel), but I am glad that I did. I hope that we were able to help the children who are affected by heart disease each day. I just wished that Luke could have been there with us. I have some pictures that I need to scan, so I will hopefully post them soon so you can see the gorgeous work done by Em and Matt.

On a last note, I have a very special prayer request for you all. As you know from our experience with Luke, HLHS is a nasty defect. Nothing about it is easy and it is a very scary thing to deal with day to day. There is a baby named Gracie Jean Lockyer who is battling for her life right now. I was introduced to her blog via Angel Annabelle Butcher's blog (see the blog list on the right to find her beautiful blog). Since then, we have been praying so hard for Gracie. She is a true miracle, having "coded" a number of times in her little life. But she still keeps fighting. Gracie was born 5 days before Luke, on March 7th (Cuatro's due date) and has been in the hospital ever since. Yes, that means she has spent almost 7 months in the hospital! Gracie is scheduled to have her Glenn (the second HLHS surgery) on Thursday, but the chance of survival is only 10%. PLEASE pray that this miracle child makes it through surgery--I know it is possible because she has already defied so many odds. Please visit her site at: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/graciejeanlockyer. There are a number of heart kids we keep up on and many are having their surgeries soon or are having other complications. Please offer a prayer for these amazing children--they are truly fighters!

Thank you, once again, for allowing me to share our life with you. We feel so blessed that Luke has been a part of all of your lives, even if you were never able to meet him. God bless you all and thank you for your kind prayers!