Fears...

Fear is something that I wish I never felt. It is a scary feeling and no matter how faithful a person you are, fear can creep up on you. I have been feeling a lot of anxiety over the past few days and I know exactly why. We have a couple of ultrasounds coming up in the next few weeks and I think that anxiety is trying to get the best of me. Cuatro is already such a big part of our family and we are so prayerful that he/she is healthy. Emily and Matthew are already attached to the baby. They are constantly kissing my belly and saying how much they love the new baby. I find myself repeating the same prayer without even realizing it...asking God to keep this baby safe and healthy and that he/she has a healthy heart. Emily often lets us know when she prays for Cuatro. At Mass on Saturday, she was praying for Baby...when we pray at night, she always remembers Baby...she even prayed for a healthy heart the other day when she blew a dandelion. I wish that the two of them didn't have to worry about losing another sibling. I wish that they still had an innocence about death. I wish that they didn't lose their baby brother. But, I am positive that they are stronger and more faithful because of Luke. As I always say, he gave us some amazing gifts...the best one is due in March! I would like to ask for prayers for Cuatro and that this Friday's ultrasound goes well. We are just checking for placenta previa (praying that I don't have it anymore) and I am not sure that I want them to check on the heart right now as our level 2 is in two weeks. I will post on Friday...maybe we will have some news on the gender!!!! Plus, our big boy (and I mean BIG) will be FOUR YEARS OLD on Friday! Wow, how time flies!!!!

Another fear that I have is that others will forget Luke and his beautiful life. Once your child is gone, you fear that others will forget him/her. You fear that some will go on and never think about your precious angel. I have had that fear since April 18th--the fear that Luke's Legacy will be forgotten by others. That other people will forget the miracle that he was and the soul that he is. We appreciate your reading the blog as it helps us to realize that there are people who remember Luke and the gifts that he has given others. Without him, many people would still be unaware of congenital heart defects and the lack of funding for research. I know that our baby boy will help other children affected by CHDs.

This weekend, I took the kids to LeBonheur to help paint wine glasses for an event called "Dancing with the Docs". WOW! It was a lot of fun. Emily was very particular about her artwork while Matthew created more of a camouflage effect with his glasses. It was good for me to get to know some of the heart children and their families. I can't say that it was easy going there (I called Tommy on the way there in tears, thinking of the night Luke became an angel), but I am glad that I did. I hope that we were able to help the children who are affected by heart disease each day. I just wished that Luke could have been there with us. I have some pictures that I need to scan, so I will hopefully post them soon so you can see the gorgeous work done by Em and Matt.

On a last note, I have a very special prayer request for you all. As you know from our experience with Luke, HLHS is a nasty defect. Nothing about it is easy and it is a very scary thing to deal with day to day. There is a baby named Gracie Jean Lockyer who is battling for her life right now. I was introduced to her blog via Angel Annabelle Butcher's blog (see the blog list on the right to find her beautiful blog). Since then, we have been praying so hard for Gracie. She is a true miracle, having "coded" a number of times in her little life. But she still keeps fighting. Gracie was born 5 days before Luke, on March 7th (Cuatro's due date) and has been in the hospital ever since. Yes, that means she has spent almost 7 months in the hospital! Gracie is scheduled to have her Glenn (the second HLHS surgery) on Thursday, but the chance of survival is only 10%. PLEASE pray that this miracle child makes it through surgery--I know it is possible because she has already defied so many odds. Please visit her site at: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/graciejeanlockyer. There are a number of heart kids we keep up on and many are having their surgeries soon or are having other complications. Please offer a prayer for these amazing children--they are truly fighters!

Thank you, once again, for allowing me to share our life with you. We feel so blessed that Luke has been a part of all of your lives, even if you were never able to meet him. God bless you all and thank you for your kind prayers!

six months and five months...

Good evening everyone! First off, I need to explain why I failed to write an update on Luke's six month birthday. We had planned to "introduce" everyone to our angel via video. But, as luck would have it, our video camera and dvd were unable to "save" to our computer. So, I am sending the disk to my sister, Katie, to edit for us. Hopefully, you will be able to see and hear our precious boy very soon! I can guarantee that you will be amazed and in awe of our gorgeous son! As each month passes, I can't help but think about Luke and what he would be like. I know he is smiling down on us and is saying lots of prayers for us.

It has been five months since our Luke entered heaven. That night was awful. It is not something I like to remember. I try to remember the times when Luke seemed so full of life and seemed like he wasn't seriously ill. If you were blessed enough to meet Luke, you would know what I mean. Luke did not look sick, he did not act sick, he was just a beautiful baby boy. He was perfect and I am so sad that his heart was not perfect. But, I am at peace with the fact that Luke's heart is now perfect, just as he is. I still pray that no one forgets our angel or the joy and faith that he brought to so many lives.

As you all know, Tommy and I grew up in the Houston area. Hurricane Ike caused a great deal of damage on the East Texas coast and many people are still without power. My father has been in Magnolia since last week (mom is still in MN) and still has no power. Nana (Tommy's mom) stayed with Dad during and after the hurricane. Nana still doesn't have power, either. Luckily, they didn't have any damage to their homes, but a number of people in the area did have damage. We were lucky to have my friend, Amy and her three kiddos come to visit us on their way to Indiana. They decided to leave Magnolia when the lack of power got to be too much. The kids had so much fun playing with Rocco, Addie, and Baby Jack. Please pray for those affected by Hurricane Ike. I had written about Luke's CVICU friend, Patrick, a few weeks ago. Patrick had his surgery the day before Ike hit and was on the ventilator during the storm. How scary for his parents! But TCH is great and I am so happy to say that Patrick is doing wonderfully post-op. Thank you for your prayers for him and please keep them coming for all the heart babies facing surgery.

On Baby #4 front (we call him/her Cuatro--thank you to Amy), we are still on track. I went to see Dr. Tinker today and the baby's heart sounded great at 155 beats. Dr. Tinker was pleased and we are going to have an ultrasound in 2 weeks to check and see if my placenta previa is gone. We have a level 2 ultrasound scheduled for October 15th. We are excited to see our baby, but are nervous about any possible chds. I have been feeling some little movements and I LOVE it. I truly never thought I would feel this miracle again. We are so thankful and feel so blessed with this baby. We would appreciate any prayers for our little sweetie and for a healthy heart. God bless you all and have a wonderful weekend!

Finally...a chance to update!

Hi everyone!

I feel like it has been so long since I updated the blog! Everything is fine, we are just really getting into a routine in our new home. Emily started dance this week (loves it), Matthew started soccer today (loves it), Tommy is so busy with work, and I have been busy trying to make new friends and get to know the town (going to MOPS and starting Moms and Tots at church tomorrow).

Thank you for the prayers for our last ultrasound. Like I mentioned before, it is too early to see any major problems with the heart. We were just checking on some "me" stuff. Matthew and Tommy went with me and Matthew was excited to see his new little brother or sister. He told us that it is a boy and that we will name him Thomas the Tank Engine. I asked if she could see any "goods", but the baby is still too small. Anyway, the baby looked good and had a great heartbeat (did I tear up? Of course I did.). Then, I was told that I have placenta previa. In other words, my placenta is at the bottom of my uterus, covering my cervix. This would not be a good thing if I were further along, but Dr. Tinker believes that since I am so early (was only 12 weeks at the ultrasound--I am about 14 1/2 weeks now), that my uterus will grow and that my placenta will move up. Considering all that we have to worry about, this doesn't really have us too concerned. We will check again at the 20 week level 2 ultrasound. Anyway, here is a picture of our beautiful miracle. The head is on the bottom right and the feet are those two things at the top left. You can see his/her knees bent in the picture. You can also see a gorgeous backbone along the bottom. Enjoy!

Last week was a tough "Missing Luke" week. I miss him so much and sometimes those feelings are completely overwhelming. I want all four of my children to be with us, but we do not have one of them. It is so difficult to grasp sometimes and it is a feeling that no mother or father should feel. Luke would be 6 months old on Friday--I can't believe that he would be that old. He would most likely be done with his second surgery (the Glenn) and just holding tight until the next. Crazy and unbearable at times. I just ask that you please pray for all of the families who are grieving the loss of a child. It is something that no one should ever have to deal with. But I also pray that these families have faith that their child is safe in heaven and is happy with God. Emily and Matthew's favorite thing to do after church is to light a candle for their Wittle Bubba. It is so sweet and heartwarming to watch them as they pray to God for their little brother. I thank God for our faith!

Once again, I ask that you pray for sick children. Patrick Lall's surgery has been moved (once again) to tomorrow. PLEASE pray that his surgery goes well and that his parents can take him home soon. There are so many heart babies who need prayers right now. These children are amazing and are so much stronger than I could ever hope to be. Our friend, Hans (who has neuroblastoma), is still fighting like a champ. Please pray that Hans keeps up his fight and beats this horrible disease. God bless you all and have a wonderful rest of your week!

Some beautiful photos to share...

Hi everyone! I hope this post finds you all doing well. Thank you for all of the well wishes for the new baby. Like I mentioned before, we are praying for a healthy baby. Please pray for this new Haberman. We actually have an ultrasound tomorrow, so if you could fit in a little prayer that everything looks good so far, that would be GREAT! Of course, we won't know much about his or her heart until about 20 weeks. We will definitely keep you posted on our new little gift--we are so very excited about our little miracle!!!!

We have a few special pictures to share with you all. The first we wanted to share are pictures of Luke's marker. My parents went to visit Luke after they returned home from their visit to Collierville. I was so happy to hear that his marker was there. Finally, people will know that an angel, a little saint, was laid to rest there. I explained in another post that Tommy and I sort of "designed" Luke's marker with the help of Sam at the funeral home. There wasn't anything that quite "fit" our little prince, so we came up with our own design. It is simple, yet beautiful. As I mentioned in the earlier post, Luke's "symbol" has become a heart (for Luke) with a cross in the middle (for Jesus). James Avery makes a charm with this symbol and it is perfectly perfect for our sweet angel (look at http://www.jamesavery.com/ and search for "crosslet heart"). Here are a few pictures of Luke's marker:

My mom and dad went to visit Luke right after the tropical storm, so his marker was a little dirty. It looks wet because they cleaned it off for us. "The Kingdom of Heaven belongs to little children" (Matthew 19:14) is a verse that meant a lot to us after Luke went to heaven and we thought it fitting to write it on his marker for all to see.

Hooray! Luke's family-made marker was still there (the hearts were coming off, but my mom said that the crosses were still firmly in place--a sign? I think yes!). My parents brought some beautiful white roses with a blue bow for our sweetie.

Pop Pop is watching over our little man. I am sure they are having a great time up in heaven!

I also wanted to share a picture of a special gift that we were given in memory of Luke by my parents' Ellijay friends, Wilma and George Fordham. The Fordhams purchased a beautiful cypress tree for our baby boy. Mr. Fordham and my dad planted the tree in the back yard (well, the front yard, but I call it the back yard--long story) and my father took a picture of it. I look forward to visiting Ellijay soon and seeing how much the tree has grown. It is really nice because the cabin will be in our family for generations and as such, everyone will get to see Luke's special tree "grow up". Here is a pic of the gorgeous green cypress:

I also wanted to share a quick picture of our sweet baby girl on her first day of kindergarten. Emily is having so much fun and just loves being a big girl. She is learning so much and just adores her teacher. We are truly blessed to have her at such a great school!

I will have pictures of Matthew's first day of school next week. I left my camera at my sister Brigid's house this summer and she is going to send it to me (what? a hint? huh? I don't really need it--Ha!Ha!) when she gets a chance. Anyway, I brought one of those cool throw away cameras to take his picture. I hope they turn out. He had a great first day and can't wait to go back on Friday. His teachers seem really super and I know he will have a blast this year!

Once again, I hope all is well with all of our friends. I actually have a HUGE prayer request: one of Luke's sweet CVICU and cardiac floor friends, Patrick, has to go in for a second surgery this week or next. Patrick was not supposed to go in for surgery this soon, but his heart needs some repairs and this is the time to do it. PLEASE say lots of prayers for Patrick and his sweet family. His mom, Maureen, really helped me during our hospital stay and was always a friendly face to talk to . Patrick doesn't have HLHS like Luke, but he does have a lot of not fun stuff going on, so he could use the prayers. I know that Luke is up in heaven praying for him and asking God to help his little buddy out. Patrick is a little cutie and is a very special heart baby! Thanks for your prayers! God bless you all!!!!

Evidence of Luke's Legacy

Some weeks ago, we were blessed with a gift from God as well as a gift from Luke. For without Luke, this gift would not be ours. We had planned that Luke would be our last child. We knew that he would complete our family. Once Luke passed away, we knew immediately that God once again had other plans for us. Our hearts yearned for another baby, not to replace Luke, but to bring a new joy and healing to our family. Well, we are so excited and very happy to announce (finally) that our new gift is growing inside of me! I am about 11 1/2 weeks along with a new little life.


If you have read our blog from the beginning, you are aware that I am constantly looking for signs. I search for signs of our baby boy everywhere I go. Probably the biggest sign so far was during our first ultrasound (with Dr. Westmoreland in Houston). When we saw the baby, saw the heartbeat (to say that was emotional is an understatement), and heard the heartbeat, we were ecstatic. But nothing could prepare us for what we were about to hear: Dr. Westmoreland announced the due date as March 12th. What bigger sign could God and Luke have sent other than the fact that our new baby's due date was on Luke's birthday? Since then, I have had two ultrasounds here in Tennessee. They have moved the due date up to March 7th, right before our sweet angel's first birthday. I have found a great, caring doctor here who is well aware of Luke's journey. We have already discussed the precautions that we will take with this baby: level 2 ultrasounds and fetal echo cardiograms. Dr. Tinker is very understanding of all of my worries and he is definitely patient with my nerves.


As you can probably imagine, we are quite nervous about our new baby's heart. We were given a lot of statistics in regards to the heritability of HLHS and other CHDs. But we have faith that God will not give us more than we can handle. We are ready to face anything that may come our way. Like I said, we are so excited about this new baby and he/she is a true blessing and a miracle, just as all children are. We ask that you please keep Baby Haberman #4 in your prayers through the next few months. We are praying for a healthy heart and an uneventful 9 months. At about 20 weeks, we will have our first fetal echo cardiogram with a cardiologist and will have another at about 30 weeks to check for any signs of a CHD. As I mentioned above, we will also have a few level 2 ultrasounds to double check everything. This time, we should know for sure whether we are expecting a boy or girl--no more surprises as was the case with our sweet Luke! :) Here is a picture of one of our ultrasounds for your viewing pleasure. There are arms and legs, he/she just has them tucked in. :) Enjoy!

I have an emergency prayer request. Our friends Rich and Jacque's baby girl, Alyn (who is a few months younger than Luke), has to have an emergency surgery today. Yesterday, she was diagnosed with pyloric stenosis and the muscle between her stomach and intestine is contracting too much, causing severe vomiting. The surgery is pretty straightforward, but it is never fun to have your baby out of your hands (believe me, we have done it with all three of ours). Rich and Jacque are very dear friends and are the ones who introduced me and Tommy. Without them, we wouldn't have our special little family. I will update on Alyn on the next entry.

Thanks again for all of your prayers and support. You all have been amazing and we appreciate all of your kindness. By the way, our e-mail has changed. It is now thomas.haberman@att.net. Unfortunately when we changed services, they erased our address book. So, if you usually receive e-mails from us, would you mind sending a quick e-mail to this address so that we can re-add you to our address book? Thanks so much!!!!

Angel Day

I know that tomorrow is Luke's Angel Day, but I wanted to go ahead and post the blog since I wrote it today. The 18th is always a tough day of the month for me. Thanks for keeping an eye on us!

Four months since I held him...Four months since I fed him...Four months since I smelled him...Four months since we said "goodbye". I can't believe that four months have passed. I can't believe that Luke is no longer with us. I can't believe that I lost my baby boy. It still doesn't seem real. It still seems so foreign to me. It still seems like he should be here with us. I am sitting here crying right now. I am crying for Luke, I am crying for Emily and Matthew, I am crying for me and Tommy. I am just crying.

I still can't handle the sight of a baby carrier, even though Luke would probably have grown out of it by now. It is just that Luke was in a baby carrier when he was in the ambulance. The last memory I have of Luke alive was when he was in that carrier. Each time I see one, I either walk the other way, or face my fear and take a deep breath. I am sure it probably sounds silly, but it is just one of those "things" that I have to get over. I'm not sure if I will ever get over all of this, I guess the pain just lessens with time.

While Luke was alive, there were so many prayers offered up to God for him. At first, I wondered why the prayers for Luke weren't answered, but the more I thought about it, the more I believed that the prayers were indeed answered. The prayers were for Luke to get better and to have a healthy heart. The problem is that Luke was never going to have a healthy heart here on earth, at least not his own healthy heart. Luke's heart was not whole and in turn, did not (nor would it ever) work correctly. The only hope for a healthy heart would be a heart transplant. So, when all of our friends and family so thoughtfully sent prayers to heaven, God listened and gave Luke his whole heart. After all, isn't heaven the place where we all would like to live one day? How lucky that Luke was hand picked by God to be with Him? Luke is not hurting and Luke is in paradise. I can only be so blessed to join him there one day. So, thank you for your prayers for our sweet angel--they were heard and they were answered!

A great thing happened to me this past Friday (on the Feast of the Assumption, no less). When we registered at our new parish, they ask if there is anyone in the house who would like to speak to a priest. Of course, I wrote that I would like to speak to the priest about Luke's passing. I didn't think much of it and figured that I would get a call in a few weeks. On Friday, Father Parham from church called to set up an appointment. When he asked about Luke, I broke down. I am not talking about crying a little bit...I mean I wept. I had so many tears streaming down my face that I was making the phone (and probably the carpet) soaking wet. It had been a little while since I broke down like that. I guess that speaking to Father Parham just brought me such a spiritual feeling that I couldn't hold anything in. I felt badly for crying, but he was very patient with me and we made a tentative appointment for the beginning of September as he will be on vacation until then. I am glad that we have joined a parish that is so open and friendly, just as St. Anthony was in The Woodlands.

In case you all are wondering, Emily had a wonderful day at school on Wednesday. She is such a big girl and we are so proud of her. Matthew begins school next Monday and he is ready. He keeps telling us all that he is going to school "tomorrow". It is the same thing each day. The will both have a great time making new friends!

In closing, please continue to pray for all of the sick children. Did you know that Congenital Heart Defects are the #1 birth defect in the US? It is a crazy and scary statistic. I am hoping to begin some work with the hospital here in Memphis for It's My Heart in the next week or two, once things get settled down. My college buddy, Matt, gave me the names of some of the cardiology people there, so it is a GREAT start for me. Thanks so much, Matt! Please pray for Abby's mom, Heather, who had an emergency surgery on Saturday. She is doing fine, but she could use some extra prayers. Abby is doing well and just getting over a urinary tract infection. There are a number of other heart babies who I check on regularly. Some are doing well and others are struggling. Please take a second to say a quick prayer for them. Thanks for checking up on our little family. God bless you all and have a wonderful day!

* On a side note, my mom was asking how to make a comment on this new blog. This is for you mom: at the end of each entry, there is a place that says "__ comments". Just click on the word "comments" and it will take you to a new window. Fill out the form on the right. You may have to create a google account, but that is no big deal. Hope this helps, mom!

Happy 5 Months, Luke!

Today our sweet Luke would be 5 months old. Once again, I sit here wondering what he would be doing now: eating solids, sitting up, giggling, laughing at his sister and brother...It's hard because we had so many dreams for Luke, even after he was diagnosed. Although we knew that his life would be difficult, we had hopes for lots of things: he would be a champion golfer, he would share many holidays with us, and he would be the one to find a cure for HLHS. God had other plans for Luke, however, and I know He is using Luke to continue to help our dreams for him come true. Luke may not be the next Tiger Woods or the best cardiothoracic surgeon, but his life continues to make dreams come true. I have faith that Luke's story will help create more awareness for HLHS and congenital heart defects (CHDs) so that other heart children can thrive. That awareness will create more funding for CHDs, funding which is so desperately needed!

If you are familiar with this blog, you already know that I like to share stories of people who made a difference in Luke's life (as well as our entire family's lives). I want to share a little about my Aunt Debby. Debby is my mom's sister and is an amazingly compassionate and caring person. After Luke was diagnosed, Debby (a former cardiac nurse) offered to come to Houston to help us out once Luke came home. Of course, we took her up on the offer! Debby arrived a few days after Luke got home and they had an instant connection. Luke just adored Debby. Each morning after his meds, Debby would feed Luke while I pumped. She was always ready and willing to snuggle with our little sweetie. Debby just loved talking to Luke and looking into his bright blue eyes. He so enjoyed their time together and I know how much he loved her. Debby was with us the night Luke went home to heaven and I know it wasn't easy for her. She has been around heart patients a lot, but something seems so wrong when that heart patient is a 5 1/2 week old baby who did nothing to cause his condition. Debby, you will never know what it meant to me and Tommy to have you as such a big part in our baby boy's life. You were (and are) so amazing and I am so glad that Luke got the chance to know you and your kind spirit. You guys have such a special connection and I am incredibly thankful that God sent you to us during such a difficult time. God bless you!

By the way, my parents came into town last night (after a long trip with a blown out tire--God was certainly watching them!). We went on a tour of the town and celebrated Tommy's birthday with a YUMMY cookie cake. The kids were so excited to show them around the house and to show them their big rooms. Tomorrow is Em's first day of kindergarten. She will find out her teacher on Thursday and have her first full week next week. I am not scared about her going to kindergarten because I know she is ready (I am a teacher, remember? :) ), but I am nervous that I can't be the mom of a kid who goes to school 5 days a week. I'm not sure if I can get lunches ready and homework done each day...UGH! Wish us luck (especially me!). Take care and God Bless!