"You look beautiful Emily."

These were the words spoken by our handsome five year old as his sister left to dance in her FIFTH recital. How much sweeter could Matthew get? It melted my heart when he said this, totally unprovoked. The arguing began a short time later, though, so the kindness was short-lived. But it is during times like this when Tommy and I realize how much they truly love each other. As I said, this was Emily's fifth recital. She has come a long way since her first (at three years old) when she held an umbrella in front of her face during her entire dance. Emily danced as a Scottish doll during the first act, which was a scaled down version of Copelia. It was beautifully done. The second act was a variety show and Emily tapped to "It Takes Two". She continues to grow in her dancing ability and she is moving up to level 3 next year. She is so excited!

Our little Scottish doll

Goofy kids. Our sweet neighbor Bailey (who is going to college next year...so sad about this one as the kids love her) watched James for us--he wouldn't have been able to make it through the entire show.

"Matthew, give Emily a kiss." Poor Matt.

I just wanted to leave you with a pic of little chunk. He had a blast playing with the sprinklers on the last day of school. Can you see his tongue?!?! Nope, because almost half of it was cut off!!!! He is doing so great and is learning something new everyday (especially with the help of Sissy and Bubba).

I just wanted to give you guys an update on Blake Huggins. His bowel sounds have returned...I know you guys are great at praying for POOP (remember James in the NICU?), so I am asking you to pray that Blake's bowels start working like crazy and that he poops! Christie let me know that she really appreciates all of the support she is getting...thank you.

I have another quick request...she'll probably kill me for doing this, but I would like to ask you all to pray for our friends Kelly and Tim and their kiddos Dexter and Abrielle. Kelly and Tim are two of the most selfless people I have ever met. Kelly has been such a wonderful support for me since we moved here and I look up to her so much. She is also the one who made James and Matthew's awesome birthday cakes (http://www.kellylowrycakes.com/). My personal fave is her chocolate chip cookie dough cake. Ummmm...yummy! Anyway, back to the request (food always gets me off topic): in being the selfless and loving people that they are, Kelly and Tim are in the process of adopting a special needs child from Bulgaria. This process has been long and they are yearning for their child to come home to them. As I said, Kelly and Tim have requested a child with special needs (did I mention that they are selfless?) who is a toddler. I talked to Kelly today and she sent out an e-mail later in the day. Their information has been received by the Bulgarian government, but they are waiting for the "perfect match" for Kelly and Tim. As you know, the government tends to do things a little more slowly than the private sector, so things are not moving as quickly as everyone would like. Kelly and Tim were hoping to have their child home with them this spring, but it hasn't happened. Please join me in praying that Kelly and Tim get the "call" and that they can travel to Bulgaria to pick up their child. Can you imagine how difficult it must be for Kelly and Tim to know that their child is waiting for his/her Mommy and Daddy but red tape is keeping them from getting him/her? It really breaks my heart.

Thanks for all of your support...you guys ROCK! Please remember those who are suffering as well as those who have passed. God bless you all!

URGENT Prayer Request...

The other day, I told you about the Huggins Family. Blake had his Fontan on Thursday and was doing well...until today. Blake has had some rhythm issues today which they were able to get under control with an external pacemaker. His heart was beating steadily at 200 BPM--not good. Like I said, they were able to get that under control, but the rate is still higher than his usual rate. This evening, Blake's little tummy stopped making rumbling sounds. Again, not good. They tried meds and they did not work, so they told Christie and Kyle that Blake needs to rest and see if his bowels start moving on their own. Please visit http://www.kyleandchristieplus3.blogspot.com/ and leave a message of encouragement. I PROMISE you that little notes, even from strangers, make a parent feel better. It gives us hope through prayer and it reminds us how much our warriors are loved. God bless you all and God bless little Blake.

Prayer Requests

The Haberman Clan is doing well and trucking along during these HOT summer weeks. We are looking forward to a few fun trips to Georgia and Houston as well as swim lessons and VBS next week. Emily's dance recital is this weekend and we can't wait to see her perform.

I am writing tonight to ask a few prayer requests for other families tonight. I think we have hit our limit for a little bit! These are BIG prayer requests and I ask that you help these families...
A few weeks ago, I wrote about the Huggins Family. Kyle and Christie have three children (Lauren, Blake, and Tristan). Tristan passed away a month ago of complications from HLHS. He was born at 25 weeks gestation and lived for 23 minutes with his mommy and daddy. Blake also has HLHS and is going into surgery tomorrow for the final stage of HLHS repair, the Fontan. Blake's heart function should improve greatly after this surgery, but it is always scary when your child has surgery, especially open heart surgery. Please pray that Blake recovers quickly so that this sweet family can be together at home soon. Christie and I talked for a long while a few weeks back and I was amazed at her strength and faith. If you have a minute, please visit http://www.kyleandchristieplus3.blogspot.com/ and leave Kyle and Christie a note of encouragement--I know they would really appreciate it.

Another quick prayer request is for sweet Baby Asher. If you remember, I have spoken of Asher in the past. He is another sweet HLHS baby who has been through SOOOOO much. He also had a stroke and is learning to use his right arm like a wild man! Asher's mom and dad (Charity and Wallace) are so in love with this little boy and he is just the cutest little chunk. Asher had an echo cardiogram the other day and it showed decreased heart function. So...Asher will have a cath soon in hopes of widening his aorta. If it works, awesome. If it doesn't work, it most likely means a heart transplant. This really scares Charity, but she is so strong and has faith that the cath will work. You can visit their blog at http://www.arocksurvivorman09.blogspot.com/. Please take the time to read Asher's story--this kid has been through A LOT! I know that Charity and Wallace would love to read any comments.

Another quick prayer request for my sister's work friend. He and his wife lost a baby girl today. I don't know the details, but any time a child is lost breaks my heart. Please join me in praying that this family finds peace in their grief.

I hope I am not being too much of a bummer tonight. These kiddos are amazing and I just want to make sure that they get all of the support they can get. They are big fighters and I know they will do great. May God bless you all!

Triggers

Have you ever walked by someone who is wearing a familiar perfume and it made you think of your grandmother? Have you ever seen a butterfly and it sparked the memory of chasing them with your best friend? Have you ever heard a name and thought immediately about a loved one who shares the same name?

These triggers are usually happy ones, ones that lead to the memories of wonderful times. I have a lot of happy triggers, like when I go into James' room in the morning and I remember all of the trials he has already endured in his life. Another one is when I see Emily skip and remember when her arthritis caused her to lose that ability. When I see Matthew's bike helmet, I recall how quickly he learned how to ride a two-wheeler (even before Emily did). My parents' mountain cabin is the constant reminder of the night I found out I was pregnant with Luke--an amazing memory. One of my favorites is every day when I look at the bridal portrait on my bedroom wall...it reminds me of the most beautiful day when I married the man God created for me.

I also have triggers that break my heart. They remind me of the hole in my heart that was created the night we lost Luke. That hole will never be filled...it will always be empty. I have a number of triggers that tear me up inside...

* The mention of the name "Luke". I never realized how popular his name is.
* When people ask me how many children I have. The majority of the time, that question leads to a long, drawn out story of our kids. I feel badly for the person who asked, but I cannot ignore the fact that I have four children. I cannot ignore his life. He is mine and I gave birth to him. No one (and I mean no one) can deny the fact that he lived--I won't let them.
* Orange and brown car seats. I loved, loved, loved Luke's car seat and that is where he sat while in the ambulance the night he passed.
* A heart picture...it can be a picture of a real heart or a drawn heart. Any heart makes me think of my heart baby.
* Pregnant women. Yes, I know I have been pregnant 4 times but I will never have that "ignorance is bliss" again in my life. I wish I had that again.
* Seeing children who are the same age as Luke. It reminds me of what he would be doing and how he would be growing.
* Any children's hospital.
* Cemeteries and funeral homes, especially the funeral home down the street from us. It is run by the same company who handled Luke's funeral.
* The box in my closet that holds the letters, Mass cards, books, etc. that were sent to us after we lost Luke. I see it every day and open it every so often. Tommy knows that the end result will be tough after I open that box.
* The smell of hospital soap. Ugh.
* St. Anthony of Padua. The mere act of going to Mass there (when we visit Houston) is a difficult one for me.
* When people tell me I am busy with the three kids. I want to tell them that I have four children, not three. Truth be told, I do that more times than not, but the other times I just smile and say "yes, I have my hands full".
* Medical dramas on tv. There is a reason I don't watch Grey's Anatomy any longer.
* Jimmy John's Sub Shop. This is where Tommy, Em, Matt, and I ate after we found out that Luke was not Ava Caroline. This is also where we decided on his very excellent name.
* His picture. Every time I pass by a picture of him, I take a very deep breath.
* Pulse-Ox machines. Enough said.
* Ambulances. I have always said a prayer when ambulances pass us, but that prayer takes on a whole new meaning now.
* The number of a doctor's office popping up on caller id.
* Matthew talking about Luke. I am serious...this kid has a direct line to God and to Luke. He is so deep and amazing in his faithful thoughts.
* The smell of fresh flower arrangements. I was at Mass last night and walking around with our (now walking) little boy and I smelled a familiar scent: the smell of fresh flowers. There was a beautiful arrangement in the Fellowship Hall. I distinctly remember how wonderful the flowers smelled the day of Luke's funeral. The smell filled the church and later, my parents' house.
* My father. I have said this before, but he and Luke had a very special bond. I still see the pain in his eyes and it kills me.
* The Communion of Saints during the Consecration at Mass. I know that our baby is there at the altar "breathing" on the candles, causing them to flicker. Pretty cool, huh?

Oh, there are so many more triggers, both good and bad. I just wanted to share some of my triggers with you. I am thankful to God for these triggers because they constantly remind me that we have a baby up in heaven who is asking God to hold us when we need Him. I will never forget Luke and I pray that he is in the thoughts of others, too. God bless you all and thank you to all of the brave men and women who have given the ultimate sacrifice for the freedom that we hold so dear.

Growing Up

I remember when I was little...all I wanted to do was grow up. I remember wanting to go to Kindergarten so that I could ride the bus. Wanting to go to second grade so that I could write a special book that only Mrs. Adamson's class got to write. Wanting to go to sixth grade so that I could have a locker. Wanting to go to high school so that I could date. Wanting to go to college so that I could learn more about myself. Wanting to find my best friend so that I could marry him. Wanting to get married so that I could be a mom.

Now? I would like to stop growing up. Seriously, I'm good. It is so cliche', but this is happening too quickly. I see the hopes and dreams that I had when I was a child in the eyes of my own babies. I see the little girl who is about to start second grade, the little boy who will begin kindergarten in the fall, and the baby who *gulp* will attend Mother's Day Out next year. Where has the time gone? Where are my babies? They are growing up and it is too much for me.

This beauty is truly becoming a little lady. She may not be a morning person and she may not always be nice to her little brother, but she has a very gentle heart. I have watched her with her friends and with babies and she is so kind. Is she the typical oldest child, bossy and mothering? Yes. But her heart is pure and she loves with all of it. Tommy and I are so very proud of this little girl. She was awarded a Citizenship Award at school and scored the highest in her class (along with a classmate--they tied) for her reading level. She is an over-achiever and has self confidence that I could only have wished for at her age. She is amazing and we are looking forward to her dance recital next month!

I don't think I am ready for this one to grow up. This is a picture of him after his final preschool program. He is now officially a kindergartner. He is a constant source of laughter and fun. We are so proud of his accomplishments this year. He has really taken to reading and seems to enjoy it (which has really surprised us). He is intent on behaving in kindergarten and is counting down the days until the first day. Matthew's teacher wrote the sweetest thing on his end of year evaluation: "Matthew is every teacher's dream student." I am a very proud Momma, so forgive me for bragging...but if you knew him when he was two years old, you would be proud, too. :)

There really are no words for this one. He has brought such joy to our lives and it pains me to think of all that he has been through. He's a tough one and he gives us a run for our money. He is learning new things each day and he is growing up way too quickly. He is so friendly and says "ha" (hi) to everyone he sees. We are so happy that he is our baby and that we were blessed with his life.

I can't think of Emily, Matthew, and James growing up without thinking of our angel who will never grow up. Luke is perpetually 5 1/2 weeks old. He will always be a baby and we will never know what a grown up Luke would be. We will never get to see him go to preschool, to kindergarten, to college. He will never get married, he will never be a father. He will always be our baby. This is one of the most difficult things that Tommy and I face each day. We are at peace with God's plan for Luke, but as his parents it is still difficult not to think of what might have been.

Before I turn in for the night, I wanted to share the story of the Huggins Family with you. Kyle and Christie have three great children: Lauren, Blake, and Tristan. I "met" Christie through Carter Oswalt's blog (www.caringbridge.org/visit/carteroswalt) and we had a great conversation last week. Christie and I have a great connection because we are both heart moms. Lauren and Blake are twins who were born a few months before Luke. Lauren is heart healthy, but Blake has HLHS just like Luke. Blake is a warrior and has achieved some pretty amazing feats. He has had his first two surgeries (Norwood and Glenn) and will have his Fontan next month. PLEASE pray for this family while they travel to Vanderbilt for this surgery. Tristan is Kyle and Christie's third child. He was diagnosed with a particularly lethal form of HLHS (yes, there are varied degrees of HLHS). They were told that Tristan's heart was so broken that he wouldn't even make it to birth. Christie gave birth to Tristan on May 2nd at 25 weeks gestation. He lived in their arms for an amazing 23 minutes. Christie wrote the most wonderful tribute post to him on her blog at www.kyleandchristieplus3.blogspot.com. Please visit to see pictures of this gorgeous family and please add them to your prayer list. As I said, Christie and I spoke last week and we had an instant connection. She is so strong and really gave me a lot of hope. She also gave me some information on a research study that is going to look at CHDs and genetics. If you are a heart family and would like more information, please drop me a line. Thank you to Christie for sharing your heart and your story...I am in awe of you.

Once again, God bless you all. We are anxiously awaiting a fun-filled summer, full of swim lessons, VBS, and trips to the museum.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all of the amazing mommies out there. Happy Mother's Day to the ones who kiss boo-boos and give unlimited hugs. Happy Mother's Day to the ones who cheer when their baby is up to bat and to those who watch with awe as their princess dances on stage. Happy Mother's Day to the ones who are sitting next to a hospital bed, begging God to save their child and to the ones who have cradled their little one in their arms after they went to be with God.

None of us have the same story, but we all have the same bond. Being a mother is the most important job I will ever do. It is a gift that was given to me and I cherish it with all of my heart. I am not a perfect mommy, just ask my kids. But, I do take my job seriously and realize that it is my responsibility to teach my children to be good, faithful people. I am a work in progress and I pray that God (and my children and husband) continue to forgive my mistakes and applaud my successes.

Again, Happy Mother's Day to each of the beautiful mothers reading this blog. A special thank you to my mother because without you and your guidance, I wouldn't be able to handle any of what life has thrown at me. You are an amazing woman and you need to give yourself more credit for the job that you have done with the FIVE of us. To my mother-in-law Nana, thank you for teaching your son to be strong, caring, and empathetic--he is my rock (and he's pretty darn cute, too). God bless you all and enjoy the recent pics and videos (my sister Rita told me it was time to post some stuff).

Big boy Matthew up to bat!

James loves to eat...seriously, he eats more than Em and Matt combined.

My mom planted some peonies last year in Luke's memory and they really took off this year. Simply beautiful, just like him.

James and my gorgeous girl playing with the Cozy Coupe.

This is the epitome of our Matt.

NO STITCHES! Look at that tiny little tongue. There's also a little hair up there.

This is our sweet boy dancing. He just LOVES to watch Yo Gabba, Gabba. If you haven't seen the show, you need to check it out--it reminds me of a show that would have run in the early/mid 1970s. It's far out, man.

James is walking (sort of). He is not doing a lot on his own yet, but the skills are there and he will walk to get what he wants (i.e. M&Ms or the door out of church). Not to worry, though, as Emily and Matthew were very late in walking and they are just fine. My kids just like to be lazy, I guess. Hmmmm...wonder what that says about me and Tommy?

A note from Aunt Katie

Hi everyone! This is the time that I have been dreading all day. It was about right now two years ago that Luke went into distress at my parents' house. There was a flurry of activity and a lot of fear. I have a lot of memories from that evening, many that I would rather not have. But my memory of the peace that I felt that night is probably the strongest. God gave me the gift of peace that night--I needed that. I know that Luke is where he was always meant to be, no matter how much I wish he was with us.

I wanted to share a note that my sister Katie wrote about her memories of April 18, 2008. I read this today and it really touched me. It is a wonderful example of what Luke means to all of us. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, especially today. God bless you all!

I woke up at my parents' house in Houston. I was down for work, and I stayed there so that I would get some time with Baby Luke. He had been home from the hospital for a couple weeks, and it was great to see him at home.

The night before, I had fed him his bottle and snuggled with him. I got to do that. I got to hold him. Two of my sisters never did. That morning, I woke up, got ready for work, packed to go home, and slipped in to his room to see him before I left. He was sound asleep in his bassinet, so I just whispered goodbye, and I headed out.

I had an uneventful day at work, and caught my flight back to Minneapolis. Somewhere above Oklahoma, Luke became an angel. I didn't know until I got home. The phone rang (it was after 11 PM, so that was odd). I asked Tom who was calling, and he said it might be my mom. I asked why she was calling, and he said that it was because she was at the hospital. I asked why she was at the hospital, and he said the worst thing I have ever heard in my life: "Luke died."

I collapsed on the floor, crying, wailing, not knowing what to do. I knew Luke would be okay. But what about my sister? What about Tommy? What about my parents? What would they do? What would I do? What would Emily and Matthew do? Luke was gone. And we were left.

That moment is forever etched in my mind. Those words, the feel of the floor when I hit my knees, the sound of Emma asking her father why I was crying, the call to the airline to get my tickets for the next morning...It's always going to be there. And I don't want it. I don't want to have this. I don't want to wake up every day knowing that my sister and her husband ache for their Baby Boy. I don't want to know that my parents are forever changed.

What I do want is for people to understand how pervasive Congenital Heart Defects are. They are the absolute number one birth defect in the world, affecting 1 out of every 100 children. Some are mild, but some are, like Luke's Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, major malformations that require countless surgeries and hospital stays, and often end in death.

I want people to know that Luke Thomas Haberman may have only lived for 5 weeks, but he did more and fought harder than anyone else I know.

And most of all, I want Luke to know that if I could have traded places, I would have. I love you Baby Luke. I miss you.