Signs

I can't believe I am writing on the blog again this week!  It's a festivus miracle!

Today, Luke would have turned seven years old.  This time seven years ago, Tommy, my dad, and I were sitting across the table from a cardiologist.  We listened to him tell us about our boy's heart, what we could expect, and what he would and wouldn't be able to do in his life.  I felt like a zombie.  I had just given birth earlier in the day and was facing the nightmare of our child having HLHS.  

It was surreal.  

But Luke was real.

Today, we celebrated with our babies.  We ate (a lot), played games, had cake and released balloons.  We shared what we would like Luke to know, and talked about how much we miss him.  It was precious.  And beautiful.  Just like our Wittle Bubba.

Since we couldn't be in Houston to visit him, Luke had some special people visit him for us.  Nana went to the cemetery and brought a beautiful vase of daffodils.  They surely brightened up his spot.  Thank you, Nana.

My friend Amy also went to visit Luke with two of her boys.  Her visit is the reason I felt compelled to write tonight's post.

Amy called me this afternoon as we were driving to dinner.  She told me that she had read yesterday's post, and mentioned the part about my broken heart being similar to a broken ceramic plate:  the pieces never fit back together perfectly and there are always gaps.  Inside the gaps of my heart lies grief.  

Amy told me that someone must have left a ceramic angel figurine at Luke's site, but that it was broken, just like plate from the blog post.  She had never seen the angel, but said it looked like the angel's heart was missing.  This is what she saw:

Can you see the angel?  Can you see the broken piece of the heart in the top left piece?  {And that super cute army man?  Amy's boys left that for Luke.}  :)

So that's a bit crazy, right?  Why would there be a broken ceramic angel on Luke's stone?  Right away, I knew the angel and who it was from.  Each Christmas, my friend Cheryl takes her children to visit Luke and they place an ornament on the tree that Nana brings.  They send us our own matching ornament and we lovingly place it on our tree.  Here is the angel ornament that Cheryl placed on the tree (and also sent one to us):

Can you see the hearts on the angel's wings?  I believe that one of those hearts is the piece in the top left of Amy's picture.  Broken.

And what angel do we know who had a broken heart?

Luke.

So if the story stopped there, it would be a nice little coincidence:  a sweet angel ornament brought by a friend and found, broken, by another friend.  Just like the broken ceramic plate in my last post.

But the story doesn't stop there.  

I couldn't shake off a feeling that I had.  The sight of the broken angel really seemed to affect Amy.  She was so touched by the angel and I feel like she really felt Luke there.  ***{side note:  he also sent her rain--he always sends rain for Amy and fire ants for my sister Katie}***  

So I started to think back...Cheryl and her family sent us that angel for Christmas 2013.

Over a year ago.

I did some more "research" and found Cheryl's post from this past Christmas 2014.  Cheryl had sent a different ornament:  a beautiful cross.  And she sent this picture:

What is missing from this picture?  

The angel.

It's not there.  And tonight, when I asked Cheryl if she remembered seeing the angel ornament from the previous Christmas, she said "no".  

And I checked a picture that my sister Katie had sent in early December 2014:

Guess what's missing? 

The angel.

{but the ants are there}

The cemetery cleans the grave sites every few months (not sure of the exact times), and they throw away whatever they find.  

So...can anyone out there tell me why an angel ornament that was left for Luke over a year ago would be missing in pictures from December, but would be back (and broken) on his birthday, the day after I shared a post about my broken heart?

I prayed for the right words to use in my last post.  And they came to me.  

I prayed for a big sign from Luke, that he was with us.  And the broken angel ornament returned.  

Maybe I am loony.  Maybe I am romanticizing things to help me deal with my grief.

But I know one thing:  these pictures don't lie.  The ornament was not there in December.  And it was back today.  

I'm curious to know what others think about this post?  Do you believe that the broken angel (with the broken heart) was a sign from Luke or just a mere coincidence?

God bless everyone and thank you for the support you have given our family.

Another Year

Another year has passed. And it is time to wish our baby boy another "happy birthday".  It's supposed to get easier, but it's really not.  He is one of the first people I think of when I wake up and he never leaves my heart throughout the day. 

This year, I am having a really difficult time trying to find the words to explain how much I miss that boy.  How much I wish that he could be here to celebrate his seventh year.  How much I wish I could get a glimpse of what he would have looked like.

But I can't find them. 

The words are lost.  I feel like, each year, I say the same things:  we miss him, we will celebrate his life, we don't want him to be forgotten.  It's the same thing when I look at his pictures:  the same pictures year after year.  No new pictures are taken.  No sweet smiles for the camera.

This monotony is torture.  Nothing changes.  Our baby boy is still gone.  He will never grow up.  He will never have a birthday party.  His baby brother will never know him here on earth. 

And my heart is still broken.  Utterly broken without him here. 

I know that some of you think that the grief should be lessened, that I should move on. 

But I have moved on.  Just eleven months after Luke was born, we welcomed James into our family (and he was very, very planned).  We moved to Tennessee right after we lost Luke and to Georgia three years later.  I have stepped out of my comfort zone and tried new things.  I can talk about Luke to anyone without shedding a tear.  I went back to work as a preschool teacher, even after I had sworn that I would never return to the profession (my last year of teaching in Texas was while I was pregnant with Luke).  I try with all my might to share our story with those who are facing a similar situation.

BUT...that part of me that is utterly broken?  The same thing that was broken inside of his tiny body? 

My heart.

My heart will never be the same.

Have you ever dropped a plate and it broke?  Like into a million pieces? 

What happens when you try to glue that plate back together?  It's virtually impossible to glue each piece in it's correct place without having some gaps in the ceramic. 

That's my heart.  It was broken into a million pieces when we lost Luke.  Over the past seven years, I have tried with the strongest of glue to put those pieces back together.  Some pieces were big enough to fit together, but there are still so many gaps in the ceramic of my heart.  Those gaps can only be filled with Luke.  I will keep using that super glue and I will try to pick up the pieces, but...

There will always be gaps.

My heart will never be the same.

Because his heart was too broken for this world.

So on his birthday this year, we will celebrate.  We will remember.  We will grieve.

Because those gaps in my heart?  They are filled with grief.  And it's o.k. to grieve.

Our hearts are as fragile as a plate.  They are so easily broken.  And can never be fully repaired.  There will always be gaps.

I will leave you with a little note to Wittle Bubba...

Dear sweet boy,

Happy 7th birthday!  I remember the day well.  There were some very precious moments in that hospital room.  And some of the scariest moments of my life. 

I remember right after you were born, I looked at them cleaning you in the warmer, taking in every part of you:  your Daddy's nose, Grampa's ears, and Great Gramma's mouth.  How could we have guessed that a few hours later, they would tell us about your broken heart?  That they would take you from our arms and stick you with probes and needles?  That in a week, they would open your chest to put a "bandage" on your heart?  How could we have guessed?  And how could we have prevented the pain that you faced? 

Through it all, you were amazing.  Sweet, calm, strong.  A miracle.  Daddy and I are so very proud of you and who you became.  We didn't get to see you grow up, but you lived so much in those 5 1/2 weeks.  You are truly the strongest person I have ever known. 

Baby, I miss you so much.  But I was so very lucky.  I was blessed to carry an angel inside of me.  To feel you kick.  To have a relationship with you that no one else experienced.  I was given a gift that I will cherish forever.  And I am forever grateful for that gift. You are that gift.

I wonder who will celebrate with you today?  Pop-Pop?  Uncle Bob?  All of your great grandparents?  You heart friends in heaven?  I know it will be quite the celebration.  Your brothers and sister will send balloons for the party, so keep a lookout for them. 

I love you more than you could possibly know.  Please pray for your Mommy...and Daddy...and Em, Matt, and James.  It's really tough without you here. 

Love,
Your mommy

I'm Mad

If you are my friend on Facebook, you may have read a rant about a {horrible} woman at a family restaurant who made me mad.  I took the kids into the restaurant while Tommy parked the car.  From the time we walked in, this woman was giving us looks.  She was whispering to her friend.  She was judgmental and rude.  James was excited.  We were meeting a few friends and he was happy to see them.  James is five.  He has a loud voice.  He was definitely using that loud voice.  But I was trying.  I was trying to keep him quiet.  I was acknowledging his noise level while trying to correct the behavior.  I wasn't ignoring him.  I wasn't walking away.

But I could still sense her dirty looks.  Hear her whispers.  

When Tommy came in, I took James to wash his hands (and to remind him of the behavior that we expect from him).  It just so happened, that she was sitting at a table near the restrooms.  As she rolled her eyes and mouthed "I can't believe this..." to her friend, I apologized.  OK, it wasn't a real apology.  It was a backhanded, passive-aggressive "apology".  

This is how the "conversation" went:

Me:  "I am so sorry that he is misbehaving."

Wretched Woman:  "He really is."

Me:  "I'm so sorry {not really}, but I am trying.  I'm doing my best."

I know that I said something else, but I cannot remember exactly what was said.

She thought James was being loud?  You should have heard me.  But my blood was boiling and my heart was palpitating.  I took James to wash his hands and I sent many glares to her as I ate and enjoyed bonding time with our friends.  

She left without further incident.

You know what?  My heart is still palpitating and my blood is still boiling.  I am literally shaking while I type. 

I'm not upset because she was a rude, wretched, and sad person.  

I'm upset because I'm mad.  Not just at her, but at a lot of things.  And a lot of people.

I wish that this woman had taken the time to understand.  To understand that maybe James needed this time with friends.  To understand that maybe his mommy had a rough day at work and was trying so hard to keep him quiet. 

Maybe she would have been a bit more kind if she knew what that five year old has gone through in his little life:  four surgeries (two of which were major), blood draws every six weeks until he was four years old, ultrasounds looking for tumors every three months, the fact that he talks about a brother who he never met.

Maybe she would have been a bit more kind to his momma if she knew what she had faced:  nightly P/T with her four year old daughter, saying "goodbye" to her newborn as he was flown to a different hospital the night he was born, seeing her week-old son's chest open after surgery, watching as her son passed from this world into heaven, being offered termination for her fourth child, watching that same child go through four surgeries, and holding him down while he had blood draws and ultrasounds.  

Maybe, just maybe.  Maybe if she had known what this boy and his mother have been through.  Maybe she would have shown grace.  Maybe she would have been kind.

But she chose judgment.  She chose to jump to conclusions.  To believe that this kid was a brat who was misbehaving.  She didn't think about that fact that he is phenomenal.  That he is more creative than anyone I have ever met.  That his imagination is out of this world.  That he is so full of love and is so very smart.  

I feel sorry for her.

But that doesn't make me feel any better.  I'm still mad.  

I'm mad that today while cleaning, I had to pick up one of the {very few} pictures we have of Luke, and dust it.  I'm mad that Luke died.  I'm mad that James was born critical.  I'm mad that my father-in-law passed before he was able to meet our babies.  I'm mad that we just lost my brother-in-law, a man who was so good and so very kind.  I'm mad that my sister had to watch as her son battled (and beat the hell out of) cancer.  I'm mad that so many friendships have been lost over the past almost 7 years.  It all adds to the grieving process.

I'm mad that I just can't ever seem to be enough.  I fail so often.  At being a mother.  A wife.  A daughter.  A daughter-in-law.  A sister.  A friend.    

And I'm also mad that this post will probably make other people mad.  But you know what?  Honesty sometimes sucks.  And hurts.  Believe me, I have been hurt by honesty a lot over the years.  

As mad as I am and as much as that {wretched} woman's judgment hurt me the other night, I know that there are people who will forgive me.  I know that my husband will hold me and will tell me that all will be ok.  I know that he will support me whenever I fail and will pick me up when I fall.  I know that my children will always love me.  As much as I think I fail, they will love me unconditionally.  They will always forgive my shortcomings, because sometimes I do succeed.  And sometimes, I can even be their hero.  

And I know that God will forgive me.  I ask forgiveness of Him all the time.  When I am mad, when I am frustrated, when I question Him.  He forgives me.  And He gives me so many blessings:  my husband, my children. my family, and my friends.

To this woman, whoever you are and wherever you are:  I pray that you will leave your judgment at home.  I pray that you will be accepting of children and will remember that we all have good days and bad.  And I also pray that if I ever see you again, that I am granted grace and can offer that grace to you.  

To everyone else, please remember to be kind.  It does no good to take your frustrations out on anyone else.  You never know what crosses other people have to bear.  A kind gesture or word can make a big difference in that person's day.  

I love you.  I love you for reading this.  For saying Luke's name.  For not trying to "fix" me.  For understanding when I just want to complain.  For knowing that I will never, ever be the person I was on March 11th, 2008, the day before that beautiful boy came into this world.  I love you.  Thank you for loving me.  

The Power of Words

April 18th, 2008.  The worst day of our lives.  We had to give our baby boy back to God.  As they were feverishly trying to save him in the (St. Luke's) ER, Tommy and I stood outside praying.  We told God that, if he took Luke, we would be ok.  It's not that He needed permission, as Luke was and is His child.  But I think that He needed to hear it from us.  He needed to know that we were ready to say our "goodbyes". 

And so we did.

After we lost him, we were numb.  Aside from the wake and funeral, I didn't leave the house for over a week.  I wouldn't even go outside.  How could the world go on when my heart was torn apart?  When I was still producing milk, with no baby to eat it?  When I still had the scars of pregnancy? 

But it did.

And it was hard.

Even more difficult were the words that were not spoken, the notes that were not sent, the calls that were not made. 

And it was lonely.

Even as we were showered with meals, phone calls, and visits from so many people, we felt the absence of others.

I felt hurt. 

For 6 years. 

Until about two weeks ago.

A few weeks ago, I received a handwritten note in the mail.  I obviously don't want to go into too much detail, but I can say that this note lifted a huge weight from my shoulders.  While reading it, the sender had asked for forgiveness in not acknowledging Luke's life and death.  I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been to write this note, but what this person did for me was immeasurable.  Six years of bitterness and anger.  Six years of sadness. 

Gone in the few minutes that it took to read the note. 

I had been holding on to these feelings for so long that they had become a part of me.  How wonderful to know that, after all these years, the feelings could become a thing of the past? 

It is no surprise that God chose this time of year to tap this person on the shoulder, encouraging the sender to write words.  Words that made me cry, and made me smile.  I needed this note and He knew it (as did Luke). 

Words can heal.  These words healed that part of my heart that held so much resentment.  And I am so thankful for them.

This year, Luke's angel day occurs on Good Friday.  Could it be any more perfect?  On the day that we recognize the death of Jesus, we will also recall the death of our own son.  As a mother, I cannot fathom what Mary felt as she watched her son beaten and sentenced to death for the sins of others.  But I can empathize with her heavy heart and I can't think of a better mother to emulate. 

Tomorrow on Good Friday, our family will remember that Christ's crucifixion and resurrection on Easter Sunday will bring the promise of new life. 

It is in that new life that we will see our son again.

May God bless you all on this Easter Weekend.

Six.Years.Old

So I had this entire post written about acute emotional pain and how it never goes away.  About how the pain can hit me like a ton of bricks.  About how I thought that when I wrote this post, maybe the pain would go away.   

But it was deleted. 

I think it's a sign.

A sign that I need to focus on our sweet baby boy.  Our bringer of light.  Our own little saint. 

I need to focus on him, not the pain of his absence.

So that is what I will do. 

Focus on him.

Focus on his handsome face.  His awesome hair.  His soulful eyes.

Focus on the joy that he brought in his 5 1/2 weeks.  The happiness that came with each battle he overcame.

Focus on the miracle that he was.  The miracle that he is.

Last night, I asked my father to send me a few pictures of Luke that he has on his computer.  Little did I know that some of these pictures would be new to me.  How could I have missed these pictures when I have so few of them to begin with?  Tommy and I looked over the pictures and my eyes filled up with tears.  What a wonderful surprise.  Thank you, Dad, for sending the pictures.  I know it wasn't easy for you.

So here they are...some of them may be new to you as well.  Enjoy the pictures of our beautiful baby boy.

 

 

Baptism Day * March 17th, 2008

 

They were so proud of him.

 

 

Wittle Bubba with his big siblings.

 

 

Momma and Baby.

 

 

Taking a bottle like a champ.

 

 

Sweet boy.

 

 

Proud Daddy.

 

 

One I had never seen.  First pic with no tubes!

 

 

He looks like James in this picture.

 

This was right before we left the hospital.  In the going home outfit we bought before he was born.

 

Welcome home, Wittle Bubba!

 

I think he is reading the word on the side of the Pack 'N Play.  ;)

 

Not ready...

 

Still not ready...

 

Here you go!

 

Eating with Mommy.  So tiny.

 

Our last family picture.  If we had only known...

 

Thank you, as always, for your thoughts and prayers.  This year has been tougher than I had hoped it would be.  It is unnatural to lose a child.  Plain and simple.

 

On a side note, I have met many of you since Luke.  If you would like to read his story from the beginning, check out his CaringBridge site.  I hope it will give you a good idea of who I used to be.  :)

 

God bless and please pray for peace for us all tomorrow and over the next 5 1/2 weeks.

Letting Go

Something must be festering inside of me if I am writing on the blog in the middle of the year!  I usually save blog posts for Luke's birthday and angel day.  But yes, something is tugging at my heart.  And it has been tugging at my heart for over five years.

Today after Mass, I met with a woman who is starting a ministry called Embrace (http://www.embracefamilies.com/).  Embrace is a loving ministry that offers support to families who are facing grief after miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death.  Tommy and I have offered to be support for others (and we will also gain support from others) and are anxious to get started.  I was involved in Griefshare at our parish in Tennessee and I was so thankful that there were other people who were grieving, although the losses were all different.

As I was talking with the woman who is bringing Embrace to our parish, those feelings flooded back.

The bitterness.

The anger.

The questioning.

I bet you're wondering who caused these feelings?  Who made me feel bitter?  Who caused anger and questioning?  Why would I even allow someone to make me feel this way?

It's simple, really.  It is because when we lost Luke, the only thing I had to rely on was my faith.  My family and many of my friends were amazing.  They were there when I needed them the most. 

But my faith.  My faith was the only thing that got me through.  I was carried because I couldn't walk on my own.

So...who do you turn to when you want to talk about faith?  When you want to hear about faith?  When you want to grow in your faith?  Most people turn to their pastor. 

You see, I worked at our parish.  I worked there until I was about 38 weeks along with Luke.  Before I knew he was sick.  Before I knew he may die.  Back when I was the old, fun Bernie.  The pastor was, for all intents and purposes, my boss.

When Luke was born, everyone scrambled, especially my work family.  They worked to get meals together and to help get Em and Matt where they needed to be.  They were there when we needed them.  I received phone calls and emails from many of them.

So many of them.  Except for one. 

The pastor.

I never heard a thing from him.  Not when Luke was airlifted on the night he was born.  Not when Luke was baptized on St. Patrick's Day.  Not when he had his Norwood.  Not on the night that he died.  Not on the day of his funeral.  Not on the unimaginable days following.

Thankfully, our previous pastor was there to baptize him.  He was there to say the funeral Mass.  He was there when we said our last goodbyes.  He was there.  For all of this, I will be forever grateful (and the fact that he is now a bishop is pretty cool). 

Why do I care?  Why does this still bother me after all these years? 

Because of faith.  Because I believe that he should have been there.  Tommy and I were broken and needed guidance.  He was not there.  It doesn't matter that there were hundreds of other people who were there for us.  At that time, we needed him.

A few weeks after we lost Luke, I went to pick Em and Matt up from school (which was a chore in and of itself--seriously, I have never felt so out of place as I did when I went back to my beloved school without my baby).  I saw the pastor in the office and he asked (in a very flippant way) how I was (I truly believe he had no idea who I was nor wanted to know how I was). 

So I looked at him.  I felt the tears building up.  I said "you know that my baby died?".

"Oh yes" he said.  I think we made some small talk and he said a prayer with me. 

And while I appreciated the prayer, it just wasn't enough to make up for when he wasn't there to say a prayer.  When he wasn't there to pray over our baby as he lay helpless in a hospital bed.  When he wasn't there to comfort us as we held our baby after he had left this world.  When he wasn't there to say a funeral Mass.  When he wasn't there when our lives had to go on without our boy.

We needed our pastor and he sent his vicar (who did an amazing job) to do his "dirty work".  I felt (and still feel) jaded.  Was our baby not important enough for him to care?  Did we not give enough money to the parish to earn his support? 

I have seen him give other families this support, why not us?

OK, I think I have said enough.  I am sorry if I have offended anyone.  But priests, preachers, rabbis, etc. are all human.  They all make mistakes.  Maybe someone will read this and will remind his/her spiritual leader what is important.

We are all important. 

We are all His chosen ones.

I pray that our former pastor will realize that each and every life matters. 

And I pray that this post will help me release some of the bitterness.  The anger.  The questioning.

May God bless you all!

PS  Emily, Matthew, and James are growing so much.  Em will be 11 next month and Matthew will be 9.  James is 4 1/2, but always tells people that he "just turned 4".  They keep us busy and they really keep us laughing.  We are blessed with them and I am sure that their brother is proud of who they are becoming.    

New Normal?

I think I first heard that phrase used after Luke was born. 

NEW NORMAL.

Huh?  What do you mean?  What exactly does "new normal" mean?  I don't want a new normal.  I just want my son home.  Healthy. All I want is my "old normal" back.  I want that innocence.  I want all four of my children here with me.

I'm sure that many of you have heard the term "new normal" before.  Maybe you lost a loved one, maybe your child was born with an issue requiring long-term care, maybe a car accident changed your life.  New normal.  That's what you hear.

Tommy and I have experienced a few "new normal" episodes over the past five years:  Luke's birth (followed by his diagnosis), James' birth (followed by his diagnosis), two moves across the country.  I have been able to reconcile with each of those new normals.  They each came with their own battles, but I was able to deal with it all. 

There is one new normal that I will never be able to get used to:  Luke's death and the new normal that came with it.  Tomorrow marks 5 years since he has been gone.  I cannot believe that five years ago was the last time I heard him cry or the last time I held him. 

What's normal about outliving your child?  What's normal about burying a baby?  What's normal about living the rest of your life with part of your heart missing?  Luke couldn't live missing part of his heart.  Why is it normal for us to live missing part of ours?

New normal?  No.

As the years go by, there are certain things that sting more than years past. 

The finite amount of pictures.  Seriously.  I am forced to use the same pictures of Luke again and again.  He never gets older.  He will never take another picture.  Thankfully, my father and sister made sure that we had a lot of pictures of Luke.  Unfortunately, the pictures stopped on April 18th, 2008.

His age.  The first year was hard.  The subsequent years were also difficult, but the pain was a lot less acute.  This year?  This year is hard.  He would be five.  Five.  Kindergarten.  Writing his name.  Riding a bike.  More independent.  I fear the fall when kindergarten begins.  Although it will be awesome to see all of my friends' children heading off to their first day of kindergarten, it will also hurt my heart to know that our son never had the chance to have a first day at any school.

The fear that he has been forgotten.  I realize that people move on.  I get it.  Does that mean that I have to forget, too?  I don't expect anyone else to think of him as often as I think of him.  Why would you?  I gave birth to Luke.  I fed him.  I held his hand in the ambulance as he was slipping away.  I prayed with my husband that night, telling God that we would be ok if He took Luke.  These are my memories and they are etched in my heart.  I will never forget.  But as the time goes on, I see it.  I see people moving on.  I hear it.  I hear his name fewer and fewer times.  I feel it.  I feel it in my heart when I realize that I am the only one who is thinking of him. 

Does this sound like a wonderful new normal to you?  Not me.  I don't want it.  I want my old normal back.  I want my son. 

Before you think "oh my, this lady has gone and lost her mind!", be assured that I still have my faith.  I have faith that I will see Luke again.  That our God is a God of grace and that is what He gave Luke (and us) on the night we lost him.  But it doesn't mean that I can't mourn.  It doesn't mean that I have to feel good about our new normal.  It simply means that my son is in paradise, watching over us.  We will see him again and that is what keeps us going.

If you are reading this, you remember him.  Thank you.  Please take a moment tomorrow to say a prayer for those who have lost a child.  So many are mourning and it seems so unfair.  Maybe if we all pray for a second or two, each of these parents will receive a little sign from their angel(s). 

God bless you and thank you.