Acute

Acute. What does that mean to you? Before Luke was born, the word acute meant geometry. It reminded me of measuring triangles in high school. After Luke and James, acute has taken on an entirely different meaning.

Acute is no longer a memory of Mr. Davis' class in ninth grade. No, it is something much more profound, much more difficult to comprehend. Acute is not a word that a parent wants to hear or for that matter, feel. When I hear the word acute, I cringe.

Medically, I have heard acute many times. It is as if it is "the queen mother of dirty words" (to quote A Christmas Story) in the medical field. No parent ever wants to hear of their child having acute pain or that he is in acute distress. It's just not natural.

This post is not about the word acute in terms of medicine. It is actually about the acute emotional pain that I still feel at times. The pain that is so difficult at times, so unbearable, that only tears can make it go away. I understand why we lost Luke: he was very sick. I understand that he is much better off where he is than what he may have endured here on earth. Although I can comprehend the bigger plan of Luke's life, it doesn't make it easier to accept the fact that Tommy and I lost our child. He is no longer with us. The acute pain of losing him will always be there.

In the blog world, you can find a lot of people just like you: stay-at-home moms, bakers, political junkies, and yes, mothers who have lost a child. I have been fortunate enough to find some amazing moms online who share membership in the same club as I do: those who have lost a baby due to a CHD. I have been able to share my acute pain with them and vice-versa. I have cried with them, vented with them, and have shared my most precious memories of Luke with them. I have found camaraderie with these women and I thank God I have found them.

One thing that I admire about my fellow angel moms is their uncanny ability to be brutally honest on their blogs. I have tried to be as candid as possible on this blog, but many times I have failed. Am I always truthful? Yes. Are there things that I have wanted to say, but haven't had enough courage to do so? Definitely. So, here I am, trying to be Brutally Honest Bernie, praying that I do not offend anyone.

The truth? The truth is that much of this acute pain is due to hurt that I feel has hardened me over the past 2 1/2 years. Don't get me wrong, losing Luke changed me more than I could have ever imagined. But it is what happened after we lost Luke that I believe has hurt me even more. It was the person who would go out of her way not to talk to me so that she wouldn't have to talk about my baby boy. It was the one who told me that the reason she didn't come to his funeral was because it would have been too difficult for her. It was the woman who questioned why we had an open casket and if I saw him take his last breath. It was the priest who didn't call after we lost him, even though I was his employee. It was the person who told my dear friend that I would be alright because I had other children. It was the very pregnant woman smoking at the outlet mall. It was the teenage mother who stabbed her newborn to death so that no one would find out. It was the countless number of babies who are given a death sentence because they are not perfectly formed. It was and continues to be those closest to us who refuse to acknowledge the fact that he lived and died. He lived. He died. I pray that one day they understand that fact and show compassion to us. That they can put aside their self absorption and understand what we face each day: our baby is gone.

Whew! See? Acute emotional pain. I've got it and until I can release it, it will stick with me. I pray that all of you are braver than I am and that you are not holding onto to any acute pain, whether it be physical or emotional. May God bless you all and thank you for letting me vent!