five years.

Dear Luke,

Tomorrow marks five years.  Five years since you left the safety of my womb and began a fight for your life.  Five years since I first laid eyes on your sweet face.  Five years since I noticed that you had Daddy's nose. 

Five years since I noticed your hands.  They were blue.  You couldn't nurse because it took too much effort. You kept falling asleep.  Five years since my world came crashing down.  Five years since they whisked you away in a helicopter.  Five years since the thought of losing you became real.

Oh baby boy, I miss you so much.  You have no idea.  You can't imagine the pain that we all feel without you.  Mommy, Daddy, Emily, Matthew, and even James.  I know you have met him.  I am confident that he knows you.  I am certain that you showed him the way to our family.  So many people miss you Little Bubba.  Gramma, Grampa, Nana, numerous aunts, uncles, and cousins.  I have so many dear friends who talk about you all the time.  They remember you and they make sure that I know that.  I need that, sweet Luke.

WOW!  Five years old!  That is quite a milestone for boys and girls.  Maybe that is why this year, your birthday is harder for me.  You would be starting kindergarten in the fall.  You would probably be learning to ride your bike without training wheels.  I'm sure you would be quite the swimmer this summer and  you would be having a blast playing baseball with your brothers.  Mommy wishes you were here to celebrate all of those childhood rites of passage. 

I remember taking a walk with Daddy when you were still with us.  I will never forget that walk.  We were talking about you and what to expect for your life.  I remember Daddy telling me, "I don't know what's better, Luke living for just a short time...or having to tell him when he is 20 and has his adult life ahead of him that his heart may start failing and he may need a transplant soon."  Neither is better, sweet Luke.  Frankly, they are both horrible scenarios.   

As I told Daddy tonight, we didn't get the chance to make many memories with you during your short life.  I miss those memories.  How crazy does that sound, little boy?  I miss the memories that we never got to make.  I miss what we were never able to do.  I miss the future that you never had.

Luke, you are truly a bringer of light.  Daddy and I were just talking about what a good baby you were.  You were so easy going and so quiet.  Everyone who met you loved you.  I only wish more people would have been given the chance to meet you.

Wow, were you a precious sight.  Definitely a gorgeous boy.  God made sure to make you perfect on the outside, even if your heart was incredibly broken on the inside.  Your eyes were those of a wise old man, one who had lived a full life and had so much wisdom, more than I could ever hope for.  Under that sweet nose laid a precious little mouth, definitely Great Gramma's mouth.  Very cute and very kissable.  Yup, God made you so perfectly Luke.

Baby, please pray for Mommy.  I have a lot of things on my heart right now and I need some guidance from God.  Please intercede and ask him to help Mommy discern what she needs to do.  Pray for Daddy.  Please pray that he continues to do well at work and that he knows how wonderful we think he is.  Mommy loves him so much and your life and the lives of your sissy and brothers have made that love so much stronger!  Thank you for that.  Little Luke, please intercede for Em, Matt, and James.  Please ask God to remind them how special they are and how loved they are.  You are all so cherished.

Luke, I love you so much.  Thank you for teaching me grace and for showing me what is important in life.  Thank you for helping me grow in my faith and thank you for being our boy.  I hope that you have a happy birthday in heaven and that you catch the balloons that we will send up tomorrow...your sister and brothers are counting on it!

I love you and would give anything for you to be here tomorrow.

Love,
Mommy

*****************************

 



*  This is what gets me through the tough days:

James 1:2-3  Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

And it just so happens that this verse helped us decide on Sweet Baby James' name.  :)