If I had known.

It started so innocently this evening. Sitting in Mass. Listening. Singing. Braiding Emily's hair. Then it hit me.

Four years ago tonight is the night that I sat in Tommy's car. I cried. I screamed. I yelled out to God. Frankly, I'm surprised that none of the neighbors called the police on this crazy lady. All the while, I had a beautifully perfect baby boy waiting inside for his Mommy. A perfect child with a horribly broken heart.

I asked Tommy if today was truly the anniversary of the day that I sat in his car and fell apart. He confirmed that it was.

Then it happened. Right then and there in church. The waterworks. The quivering lip. The deep breaths.

And it made me think.

If I had known.

Known that Luke would not live longer than his 5 1/2 weeks here on earth. Known that he had less than a week left with us. Known that he would be gone in a few days.

There are a lot of things I would have done differently if I had known.

I never would have put him down. I know of parents who made sure that their sweet angels were held by someone each moment of their precious lives. I would have done the same for Luke if I had known.

I would have allowed Emily and Matthew to play with him more. To hold him more. Frankly, they were robbed of time with their brother just as much as we were. Maybe more.

I would have savored each and every cry. The smell of his hair. His feet. His eyes.

I would have been able to prepare myself for what happened after he died. The viewing. The funeral. The grief.

I would have let more people come to meet him and to hold him. He was so very fragile that we had to be careful who was around him. So many people never got to see him until his funeral. That wasn't fair to them. That wasn't fair to him.

I would have spent less time worrying and more time enjoying. If I could only look at him one more time. Hold him one more time. Kiss him one more time.

I would not have spent an hour in the car that night. Crying. Screaming. Yelling out to God.

I would have marched inside, grabbed my baby boy, and loved on him. I would have prepared myself and him for what was to come a few days later. I would have told him how I felt about him. I would have told him how proud I was of him. I would have told him how difficult it was going to be for me to let him go. How scared I was. How much I needed him here. How much I would need him when he was in heaven. I would have told him how thankful I was that he was given to me. I would have told him that giving him back would be the most difficult thing that I would ever do in my life.

But the truth is that none of us know. We need to live life to the fullest and that is one of my biggest regrets with Luke. I still have issues with worry and with fear, but I pray that I am getting better. One day at a time.

Please remember our sweet boy with a thought or a prayer on Wednesday.

Mommy is running her first half marathon on the anniversary of Luke's burial. My knee began giving me (a lot) of trouble in today's run, so I ask for prayers that ice, meds, and TLC will ease the pain.

Thank you and God bless!