Hello Again.

It's been a while. It's been a long while. I didn't even write a post on April 18th. Not sure why, I just didn't do it. Not that the 18th wasn't just as painful as it was over three years ago. Not that my heart wasn't in pieces on that day. N0t that the physical pain still cut so deeply. I don't know why I didn't post.

I think there are many reasons as to why I haven't posted since Luke's Angel Day. Frankly, I'm really not sure if anyone reads the blog any longer. The messages have become fewer and the views have dwindled.

That's OK.

It's OK because I am in a place where I don't need to blog my feelings as often. Truthfully, those who care know how I feel. They know that my heart still hurts each time I hear his name. They know the awkwardness I feel each time someone asks me about my children. They know me. They know my pain.

I still hurt.

It's really difficult to put my feelings into words. It has been three years. Believe me, I realize that. I realize that each and every morning when I wake up and remember that one of my children is missing. He doesn't get to play with his brothers and sister. He doesn't get to fight with them. He doesn't get to laugh with them. Maybe I should be over it, I don't know.

But I'm not.

I'm not over it. I'm not over missing him. Will I ever be? Most days, I do really well. I remember Luke with happy thoughts. I remember how gorgeous he was. What a good baby he was. How amazing he was.

Then there are "those" days. There are days like Tuesday. Days when all of the bad memories come flooding back. Days when all I can do is cry. Days when I yell to God, asking Him "why Luke? Why my baby?". Days when the anger at people is so raw I can physically feel it. Days that I wish I could erase.

A lot of times I feel so abnormal. I feel like I am stuck in this alternate world all by myself. Everyone else seems over it, why not me? Why can't I let go? Why am I so alone?

But then I think.

Why should I let it go? Why does it matter to me if others have forgotten my angel? It's their loss, right? I carried that sweet life inside of me for nine months. I felt him move, his hiccups, his tiny kicks. I knew him more intimately than anyone else. I know that I will never get over losing him. I will never stop talking about him. I don't think I should ever apologize for talking about him. If no two people grieve the same, then why should I not be allowed to grieve the way that I need to grieve?

When I began writing this blog, I was in a much different place than I am now. I had recently lost my sweet baby. I was *secretly* pregnant with my fourth child. It was a place where I could come to vent, to ask for prayers, to express my emotions. The blog really helped me. It has helped me stay connected with friends and family. It has helped me develop new friendships. It has helped me share my innermost feelings.

Now it's different. I don't need the blog like I used to. I don't think to myself "I need to blog about this". I don't check it daily for comments or views.

It's strange to see the evolution of my grief: I can "see" it on this blog. My grief is still overwhelming at times, but it is getting better. I pray that one day the grief will disappear, but truthfully I'm not sure if that will ever happen.

On a side note, please continue to pray for my nephew Greg. He has completed his chemo for Hodgkin's Lymphoma and will begin radiation soon. His battle is almost complete and we are so thankful for complete healing. I am so proud of my sister Rita for her strength during Greg's treatment. She has taught me a lot. I am so happy for Rita, Mike, Clare, and Greg. God bless you all!