Eight months ago, I fed my baby for the last time. Eight months ago, I changed my baby's diaper for the last time. Eight months ago, I held my baby for the last time. Eight months ago, I said "goodbye". Eight months ago, I cried. Today, I still cry. ( I think I have written almost the same thing in a previous entry, but I still feel the same).
Today, we were so busy that I didn't even realize what day it was until I got home from Emily's Christmas party at school. It's not that I didn't think of Luke throughout the day, it's just that I didn't realize that today is the 18th. Today is one of the most difficult days for me each month. I think that God was giving me a break, knowing that I could use half of the day to get things done with Em and Matt, without thinking about the date. I thank Him for that as I was able to enjoy Em's party immensely.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the day that Luke went to heaven. I'm not sure if it is because of the anxiety I feel about James' birth and expected stay in the NICU or if it is simply because it is Christmas-time, "the most wonderful time of the year". I still have so much guilt, thinking "if I had just pushed this issue or that issue more, then Luke would be here with us now." I will never look at ambulances in the same way and I still have a difficult time passing the funeral home here in town. So much about our lives has changed since Luke joined our family. We have learned more about faith, more about love, more about hope, more about ourselves, more about each other, and we have been given the gift of a new life in James! We are so grateful for Luke's life and thank God for him each day!
We have had a busy week here...Matthew's Christmas program was on Monday. Boy, was he proud to be on stage and boy, did he look exactly like my dad! I have posted a short video below for you to see (sorry for the poor quality...we used our regular camera). He is the tall boy in red on the top left. The kids are singing "Away in a Manger" and did a great job! He was so proud and he made us so proud! Emily's Christmas party was today. Matthew and I joined her class to decorate gingerbread houses and to eat lots of yummy snacks. It is always fun to visit Emily's class--kindergarten is one of my favorite grades! Of course, I didn't have my camera today...I was doing well by bringing the fruit for the party! I love my babies and I am so glad that I was lucky enough to celebrate with them!
On Tuesday, Tommy and I met with Dr. Langham. He is the chief of surgery at the children's hospital and we feel very comfortable with him doing the surgery. Of course, we are not certain whether or not he will perform James' surgery as it will depend on who is on-call the day James is born. We were hoping for some more concrete answers, but until our sweet boy is born, the surgeons won't have a plan. They will need to develop a plan just for James, so we wait...As I said before, the anxiety seems to be getting to me more and more. After all, James will be here in a little less than 2 1/2 months. I am nervous about another baby in the NICU, more feeding issues, intubation, etc. Moms who have been through this before, I am sure you understand the anxiety. To fight these feelings, I find myself begging God to take them away. I literally ask Him out loud to give me the strength that I need to get over the fear. As always, He does and I feel instantly better. I love it when He gives me peace about James--I always welcome that peace. Dr. Langham is going to call the head NICU nurse and ask her to give us a tour of the facility. I believe this will really help me and Tommy prepare for what we will be facing once James is here. We also asked him about child life for Emily and Matthew. Child life is a program that helps siblings deal with having siblings in the hospital. He said that the NICU staff will be able to help us with that. I feel that the kids are becoming more and more nervous as James' arrival nears. I want them to feel as comfortable about all of this as possible.
Nana (Tommy's mom) is coming next week to visit for Christmas. We are all very excited about having her here and the kids are SUPER excited. We have some ideas planned for the week, so we should keep Nana very busy. We hope she is ready for a loud and crazy house!
Once again, I want to thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and kind words. I know I have said this before, but I am terrified of people forgetting about Luke and all of the things he brought to our lives. We always appreciate your comments, both here and on CaringBridge. We thank you for your support for our little family. God bless you all!
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11 comments:
Your baby Luke will never ever be forgotten - much love and friendship to you and your family and lots of long distance hugs to you from Texas.
Side note - maybe best that Matthew isn't here - Brooke is into kissing - cute but not so cute at school!!!!
the Manley's
We will never forget sweet baby Luke... my kids still bless him in our prayers every night (They have added James in to the prayers and they are sure that he and Ruby were friends and she wants him to be healthy.) I am so glad you were able to enjoy Emily and Matt's school activities this week. Have a merry christmas and know I will be thinking of you. Love, Lori Davis
Bernie,
Your blogs are so insightful and heart rendering. Your little Luke reached so far into so many hearts, he will never be forgotten. As we gather for Christmas in Seattle, your baby James will be in our prayers. I hope you have a blessed Christmas with your family.
Virginia Cox
Bernie,
Your blogs are so insightful and heart rendering. Your Luke will never be forgotten. He reached so far into so many, many hearts.
We are gathering for Christmas in Seattle, and your baby James will be in our prayers. I hope you have a blessed Christmas with your family.
Virginia Cox
Bernie,
We are really missing you guys here in TX and at St. Anthony's. As I heard your Mom's voice from my office talking to Katie and Denise it felt like she was there to see one of the kids (Matt or Em).
We are going through some tough times with Emery and have to see a pediatric cardiologist in the beginning of the year. (If you know of a great and caring one at TCH let me know.)
Luke will never be forgotten - if someone says the name Luke I picture Little Luke wrapped in your arms with his little blue onesie on the day I got to meet him. In such a short amount of time Luke taught me to stop,look and listen for the little things are what matters most.
Tell Emily - Eryn thinks of her often and misses her. As to you thanks for giving my daughter the foundation to love learning and to try her best at everything. (She is in the top of her class)
We miss you and think, pray, and support you, Tommy, and the rest of the gang.
Kim
I love you, Bernie! And I think of Luke every day.
Brigid
Bernie-
Luke inspired so many people to have faith. Your story has strengthened our family and to this day my wonderful DG leader has an impact on this itty bitty freshman. May the joy of the season bless you and your family.
Love-
Katy, Ryan and Radley King
Bernie,
A day doesn't go by that I don't think about and pray for our precious baby Luke. He will forever and always be in our hearts and minds. I love you! Aunt Laurie
I just found your blog and feel blessed to read about your precious Luke. My first born son, Joe, died 27 years ago with HLHS. At the time, there were no procedures available for our special heart baby and at 2 days old, we found out he would die when the patent ductis closed. I write to offer you the hope that your pain will ease and God will bless your life in extraordinary ways. With God's help, I was able to have 2 healthy grown children, and my life is better, for having experienced the life and death of my precious baby Joe. I hope this will give you the encouragement you need, to know that God will give you the strength YOU need. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I've never talked to an HLHS mom but you are welcome to contact me through my blog (my email is also listed there), if there is any way that I could help.
You are on my heart this Christmas.
Hi Bernie and Tommy Just a note to let you know that we're thinking of you as we wait to bring in the New Year - Tom and Katie are here with us and send their love. May this New Year bring you peace and many blessings. The Tierneys
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