Happy Angel Day, Sweet Boy!

Luke's baptism picture reminds me that Luke is in heaven with Jesus and all of his angel friends. He is in paradise. He no longer hurts. He won't have to face more surgeries. He won't grow up fearing that his heart may fail at any time. He is whole and he is healthy. He is our angel and he is our saint. He is another one of our miracles and we are so much better for having him in our lives!

When we lost Luke, a number of wonderful people sent notes of encouragement, love, and hope. We were (and are) so thankful for all of the sentiments shared with us. I would like to share one of these notes with you all. My sister, Katie, is married to Tom. Tom's parents lost a son, Patrick, shortly after birth. Mrs. Tierney sent me a note that someone had sent her after the loss of Patrick. It was truly touching and it helped me to know that I was not alone in missing my son. Here is the letter, a letter to Luke from his mother:

To Luke...
My darling Luke, now in joy before the throne of God, you are now so close to Him, and in your spotless innocence, which He loves, you can speak to Him with a voice that He will surely heed. You are still my little baby and because of the great happiness you now enjoy, hear now the prayers of your mother. I entrust my petitions to you and beseech you to intercede for me, your mother, and obtain for me the favors and graces I so earnestly desire. If what I ask, in all humility, is not for the glory of God and good of souls, then beg of God whatever would be most conducive to both, for my only desire is to follow His will in all things.
My dear little one, God in His love and infinite mercy, has called you back to live in eternal joy and to share the life of the Holy Innocents there. It was a cross hard for me to bear when you were taken from my arms for the last time; parting with you caused me grief that few can know. But I rejoice in the glory that is now yours, because as your mother, I played a small part in bringing it to you. I realize that you are mine now in a truer sense thank you could ever have been upon earth.
Help me, Luke, by your intercession and pray that I may be faithful to all my duties, and that I may, with God's grace, fulfill His holy will so that one day I may find you waiting for me on the threshold of heaven and be able to once again hold you in my arms. Until then, I entrust you to the love and care of Mary our beloved mother, who has given to your mother, the privilege of sharing with her the joys and sorrows of this life. May she be so much more the mother that I so longed to be to you.
Love, guard and guide me dear Luke, and all those whom you and I hold dear, that we may all kneel together at the throne of God for all eternity. Amen.

I find the following part of the note so profound: "But I rejoice in the glory that is now yours, because as your mother, I played a small part in bringing it to you. I realize that you are mine now in a truer sense than you could ever have been upon earth." WOW! Did I really play a part in bringing God's glory to my son? That makes me feel pretty important! And to think that Luke is mine in a truer sense now that he is with God--boy is that true. My mom always reminds all of us that Luke is always with us, sitting on our shoulder. Special thanks to Mrs. Tierney for sending me this note--it meant so much to me.

I'm not sure what exactly we will do tomorrow. The one thing I do know is that we will be at Mass tomorrow evening. Tears will be shed and we will do as we do each week: we will light a candle for our sweet angel and ask God and Mary to hold him in their arms until we can meet again.

It has been such a tough year, filled with the sorrow of a life lost as well as the joy of a new life. It has been filled with spiritual growth as well as growth in our relationships with each other. I ask that you all please remember our angel in prayer today. Please let him know that he is not forgotten and that he will always be remembered. As you all well know, this has been my biggest fear: that Luke will be forgotten. If only more of you were able to meet him, you would have been in the presence of an angel here on earth. God sent us an angel and we are so thankful to Him for that gift.

I just wanted to post the poem, "Little Angels", which was on the back of Luke's funeral Mass card:

When God calls little children
to dwell with Him above,
We mortals sometimes question
the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with
the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world
seem wonderful and mild
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold,
So He picks a rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them,
and so He takes but few
To make the land of Heaven
more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult,
still somehow we must try.
The saddest word mankind knows
will always be "Goodbye"
So when a little child departs,
we who are left behind
Must realize God loves children,

Angels are hard to find.

I love that poem and it is so very true. Do I wish that Luke was not one of those rosebuds? Of course, but like I said, I am happy that he is no longer hurting. I am happy that he is with God, safe in His loving arms. I can't imagine how beautiful heaven is with all of those rosebuds--can you imagine that perfect picture?!?! I pray that I will be able to see it one day.

Thank you for all of your support throughout this year. I pray that Luke's life will continue to inspire others and that you all continue to remember him and our family in your prayers. You are all amazing! God bless!

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter to all of our friends and family! We hope that this day finds you all well and happy. We have had a busy day with Aunt Rita, Uncle Mike, and cousins Clare and Greg. We were so glad that they could come visit from North Carolina and we have had a wonderful weekend. They leave tomorrow and I am not sure what the kids are going to do! It was so much fun dressing the kiddos up for Mass. Emily was a beautiful picture in her white dress, Matthew looked like a little man, and James was so sweet in his little Feltman Brothers outfit. Here is a picture of them after Mass:

Of course, there were some difficult moments this weekend. Last year, Easter fell right after Luke's surgery. He was taken off of the vent on Holy Saturday and we were able to see him awake on Easter. What a wonderful gift that was! I remember bringing an Easter basket to the CVICU and hoping that Luke would be able to play with his toys one day. Unfortunately, Luke was not able to play with them here on earth, but I know he has much better toys up in heaven! I wanted to post the message that Tommy wrote last year on Easter...it gave me a lot of great memories of our angel:

Well, it was another GREAT Easter. Bernie and I went to the hospital this morning to visit Luke. We delivered the basket left by the Easter Bunny. He wasn't too interested in any of the toys yet, but I'm sure he will be soon.
Luke continues to make wonderful progress. We talked to one of the cardiologists on-call, and he said Luke is doing great!! We heard him cry today, which was a nice sound to hear. You can tell he's a fighter. As you can see in some of the pictures, they have taken out his breathing tube, so we can really see his beautiful face now. He should also have most, if not, all of his lines taken out tomorrow. That is a huge step for several reasons, but one of the biggest is that we can hold him again. What a feeling that will be!!
We also had an excellent dinner at Gramma and Grampa's house, with Nana, Uncle Rob and Aunt Maggie and their family and Aunt Katie and her children (Uncle Tom had to go back to Minnesota today).
Happy Easter to all of you...what a blessed day!

Thank you for letting me share that. It was such a wonderful day for us and we are so thankful that God allowed us to have that beautiful boy with us, even for a short time. As I said, I had a number of emotions this weekend, mostly wanting all four of our babies with us here on earth. It is still extremely difficult for me to face the fact that I won't ever hold Luke on earth ever again. Luke was buried in his Easter outfit, the one I had bought before he was born, expecting to take a sweet two-week old to Mass with us. He is wearing it in the family picture on this page.

I fear the things that I am "forgetting" about Luke: the way his skin felt, his smell, the sound of his cry. As his Angel Day approaches, I fear the reaction I will have. Will I cry all day? Will I spend all day anticipating the time we gave him to God? I think that the anticipation is a lot more difficult than the actual day. Once again., I have a favor to ask: please take a minute or two on Saturday, April 18th to remember our boy. If you could, please say a prayer for him and for all of his angel friends. Please say a prayer for all of the babies and children who are still fighting CHDs, including Lindsay, Teagan, Owen, Carlie, Patrick, Khloe, Steven Joseph and our niece Megan. CHDs affect way too many children and we need to find a cure!

I pray that you all are doing well on this wonderful day. Thank you to Jesus for dying so that we many live. We are so thankful that our baby boy an live in paradise with Jesus and all the angels and saints. God bless you all!

A Special Day for a Special Boy

I have been needing to update Luke's blog for a while now, but things have been so crazy with James going back for his hernia surgery and getting back on schedule. Above is a video of the kids singing "Happy Birthday" to Wittle Bubba. Just ignore the Mommy in the background with the bad singing voice! They really enjoyed making cupcakes for him (and they loved eating them, too!).

We were so touched by the outpouring of prayers and love on our angel's birthday. I had no idea how many people would help us celebrate Luke's special day. We are thankful that family and friends were able to visit Luke at his site--you all have no idea how much it meant to us! We want to thank Uncle Mike, Nicole, Lillie, Kim and Emery, Jacque, Trip, Jax, and Alyn for visiting Luke's site for his birthday. They sent some pictures and I wanted to share them with you all.











As you an see, Luke's site was quite festive and I know that he was smiling up in heaven. Thank you, guys! I wanted to share something that our good friend, Jacque, sent us after visiting Luke's site:
"I took the kids with me this morning for Luke's birthday. His plot was easy to see because he had already had some visitors that had left some fun balloons for him with big "Happy Birthday" written all over them. I have to tell you this was the 3rd time I have visited the site and this was the first time I really broke down (you know I'm not a big crier). You have shared so much of Luke with us that we have taken somewhat of an ownership over him. I was watching Alyn while we were there and was really sad that she never got to meet her little buddy Luke. Thank you thank you thank you for letting Rich and I into the room after his surgery, he was so beautiful even with all of those wires. It has been such beautiful weather here all week and today it rained, it was as if God was shedding His tears on all of us. When I got back in the car a song by MercyMe called 'Bring the Rain' was on."
Here is a part of the song that Jacque pointed out...it means a lot and I hope that I am living up to this verse:
"To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times."

My friend, Lillie, who I worked with for two years at Little Saints (boy, do we have some stories to share...) also wrote me a note that really made an impact on me. It was about a gift that a friend brought to her family when her grandmother passed away. Read on...
"A friend of the family gave each of my grandmother's kids a lily plant at her funeral. When I asked why (because I always thought you sent flowers) this is what she said. She gives the lily plants because the plant itself means "peace". Since my grandmother had passed, she was now at peace with God up in heaven and her family should feel peace knowing that she is taken care of and is no longer in any pain. The flower that the plant produces what almost looks an open circle. She said that when we see the flower that it is my grandmother giving us a hug and telling us that she is still watching over us. To this day, every member of my family has a lily plant in their house. This is why I gave one to Luke. That way he know that all of you are giving him a hug on his special day even if you can not be there with him."

My friend and fellow heart angel mom, Rebecca, and her family also celebrated Luke's birthday with cupcakes. I love how her son, Wyatt, doesn't eat the icing. Too cute! Thank you for sharing our angel's day, Rebecca. I just know our little ones had the best day with Jesus and all the other angels.





I also wanted to share some pictures of our balloon release...





It was amazing to watch the balloons float up to heaven for Luke and his friends to enjoy. The kids truly believe that the balloons floated up to Luke and that he got to play with them. I like to believe that happened, too.

Once again, thank you for your prayers on Luke's birthday. It was a difficult day, but we rejoiced in the fact that Luke is with God and that he is no longer hurting. We are now waiting, once again, for Luke's Angel Day to arrive. I am not sure how we will handle that day, but I am sure that we will be happy when we think of our angel's sweet life. God bless you all!

Happy 1st Birthday, Wittle Bubba!

My dear friend and fellow heart angel mom, Rebecca, created a montage for her angel Annabelle. I thought it was beautiful and decided to create one for Luke. How can a life only last 5 1/2 weeks? But, oh what a life it was! God bless you all and Happy Birthday to our angel!

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Waiting...

This time last year, we were waiting. Now I find myself waiting once again. The difference is that last year we were waiting to welcome a healthy baby boy. This year, we are waiting to celebrate his birthday without him here. How do you celebrate an angel's birthday? What will he think when he hears us sing "Happy Birthday"? Will he realize how much we miss him? Will he realize how much we wish he was here with us? Will he realize that we have not forgotten about him? I don't ever want Luke to think that we have forgotten about him or that we have abandoned him. I would give anything to have all four of our children with us.

Luke's first birthday is this Thursday, March 12th. I can't believe all that we have faced this year. We have had unimaginable triumphs and unthinkable tragedy. We have buried one son and welcomed yet another. We have spent weeks in the NICU with two boys, praying incessantly over their cribs. We have left friends in Texas and made new ones in Tennessee. We have relied on God more than ever before. And in the end, through our faith, we have persevered. As James' letter in the Bible says, "for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. And let perseverance be perfect, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:3-4. If you remember, this is one of the reasons that we gave James his name. I read this passage at night while James was in the hospital and it helped renew my faith each time. I feel like the character in the poem, "Footprints" (the one where God carries the man during the trials in his life). God has held me closely during this year and I think I am finally at the point where I can walk by myself. Besides, God must have gotten pretty tired carrying me all that way!!!! I thank God for giving me the strength I have needed to get through this year.

So, as we prepare for Luke's birthday, I am reminded of our other heart angel friends who have recently celebrated their first birthdays. Eden and Annabelle just had birthdays within the last month. Their mothers wrote beautiful tributes to them and I am so glad to have them as Heart Mom friends. The kids are going to help bake and decorate a cake and we will release balloons for Luke and his friends to play with. If Luke touched your life in any way, please take a second to say or sing "Happy Birthday" to our angel on Thursday...I know he would love it! I think the hardest part about Luke's birthday is that we won't be able to visit him at the cemetery. Luckily, my brother-in-law, Mike, will be in Houston and he is going to visit Luke. I know that will make Luke smile as I am sure that he and Mike would have been good buddies (Mike is amazing with our kiddos). Thank you for doing this, Mike. You have no idea how much we appreciate this!!!!

Thank you for journeying with us throughout this past year. Your prayers and support have been wonderful and we are so thankful that you all are in our lives. God bless you all!

Luke is a BIG brother!!!!

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone! We received an early Valentine present (and birthday present for me--it is tomorrow) on February 11th: James Benedict Haberman was born at 2:03 pm on Wednesday. They decided to perform the c-section early as my blood pressure rose and I had protein in my urine (gross, I know). Also, James' fluid level had been cut in half. We were sent to the hospital on Tuesday and James arrived the next day. We were nervous because he was only 36 weeks, 4 days gestation, but he came out crying and breathing without the help of oxygen. We also found out that James had TWO (yes, two) knots in his cord, which Dr. Tinker told us is very rare. James was baptized by the sweetest deacon right after birth and was transported to LeBonheur shortly after that. James is now resting comfortably at LeBonheur, awaiting surgery. Please visit www.caringbridge.org/visit/jameshaberman to read more about our newest miracle!

Today is a bitter sweet Valentine's Day. We have welcomed a true miracle, yet we are missing another one. Today is National Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day. This time last year, we never would have guessed what an impact CHDs would have on our lives. CHDs are horrible, but with enough funding and support, one day they can hopefully be erased. That is the problem: there is not near enough funding for research, yet so many children are affected by CHDs. It is our hope that one day CHDs will no longer exist. Here is some helpful information on congenital heart defects (from http://www.itsmyheart.org/):

* Congenital Heart Defects are the #1 birth defect. Source: March of Dimes
* Congenital Heart Defects are the #1 cause of birth defect related deaths. Source: March of Dimes
* About 1 out of every 100 babies are born each year with some type of Congenital Heart Defect. (approx. 40,000/year) Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
* The American Heart Association directs only $0.30 of every dollar donated toward research. The remainder goes toward administration, education and fundraising efforts. Of the $0.30 that goes toward research only $0.01 goes toward pediatric cardiology for CHD. Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
* This year approximately 4,000 babies will not live to see their first birthday because of Congenital Heart Defects. Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
* The cost for inpatient surgery to repair Congenital Heart Defects exceeds $2.2 billion a year. Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
* Of every dollar the government spends on medical funding only a fraction of a penny is directed toward Congenital Heart Defect research. Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
* Though research is ongoing, at least 35 defects have now been identified.
* 4-8% born with CHD have Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome
* 4-10% born with CHD have Atrioventricular Septal Defects
* 8-11% born with CHD have Coarctation of the Aorta
* 9-14% born with CHD have Tetralogy of Fallot
* 10-11% born with CHD have Transposition of the Great Arteries
* 14-16% born with CHD have Ventricular Septal Defects
* Although some babies will be diagnosed during gestation or at birth, sometimes the diagnosis is not made until days, weeks, months, or even years after. In some cases, CHD is not detected until adolescence or adulthood. Source: March of Dimes
* It is a proven fact that the earlier CHD is detected and treated, it is more likely the affected child will survive and have less long term health complications. Source: March of Dimes

These are some scary statistics. Please join us in prayer that research for CHDs will receive the funding that is desperately needs. There is an HLHS baby in the NICU with James right now and it breaks our hearts to think about what that sweet baby and his/her parents are going through right now. Please pray for this sweet baby as well as all of the other sweet babies fighting right now. Thank you for continuing to check in on us and for showing your support for our family. We are so thankful for you all and for our angel Luke. God bless you all!!!!

It's been a while...

Hi everyone! It has been quite a long time since I have posted. I think this is the longest that I have gone between posts. Maybe it is a sign of healing? Maybe it is a sign of being busy? I am not sure, but I do know that I think of and talk about our angel each and every day. He is always in my thoughts and prayers. I always feel badly because I share our journey with Luke with complete strangers. People will ask me if James is our first child and I tell them "no, he is our fourth". After they pick their jaws up, they ask me the ages of the others. I can't ignore the fact that Luke is our third child, so I tell them about Emily, Matthew, and our special angel. Then, we usually talk about James and his omphalocele. I often feel guilty for pouring my heart out to a complete stranger, but then again, the more people who know our story and who pray for our babies, the better!

The other day, I was searching for HLHS poetry and found this really neat poem. I had never seen it before and thought I would share it with all of you. I think it is really sweet and nice. It really points to the fact that Luke was "loaned" to us from God. I feel privileged that Tommy and I were chosen to be the parents of an amazing angel, as well as parents to three other miracles! Here is the poem:

A Child Loaned
This is a poem is found in the prologue to the book Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome: A Guide for Parents

I'll lend you for a little time

a child of mine,"

He said,"for you to love the whole while he lives.

It may be six or seven years

or twenty-two or three,

but will you, till I call him back,

take care of him for me?"

"He'll bring his charm to gladden you,

and should his stay be brief,

you'll have his lovely memories

as solace for your grief."

"I cannot promise he will stay

since all from earth return,

but there are lessons taught down there

I want this child to learn."

"I've looked this wide world over

in my search for teachers true,

and from the things that crowd life's lane

I have selected you."

"Now will you give him all your love

nor think the labor vain,

Nor hate me when I come to call

and take him back again?"

"I fancied that I heard them say

'Dear Lord, Thy will be done,

for all the joy the child shall bring

the risk of grief we'll run.'

'We'll shelter him with tenderness;

We'll love him while we may,

and for the happiness we've known

forever grateful stay.

But should the angels call for him

much sooner than we planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes

and try to understand.'"

- Edgar Guest

I hope you enjoyed this beautiful poem! We have had a lot of fun lately and have some great pictures. I will post them the next time I write. The kids have had snow and went to a sock hop--I can't wait to share our pics!

On the James front, we have an announcement: we have begun a CaringBridge site for him and the address is www.caringbridge.org/visit/jameshaberman. Please be sure to visit to get updates on James. We thought it would be great for James to have his own site...please visit and send the site to all of your friends and family. The latest update on him is on there--hope you enjoy our new site!

Once again, God bless you all for your support, love, and faith. You are amazing people and we are so thankful for all of you.