Luke is a BIG brother!!!!

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone! We received an early Valentine present (and birthday present for me--it is tomorrow) on February 11th: James Benedict Haberman was born at 2:03 pm on Wednesday. They decided to perform the c-section early as my blood pressure rose and I had protein in my urine (gross, I know). Also, James' fluid level had been cut in half. We were sent to the hospital on Tuesday and James arrived the next day. We were nervous because he was only 36 weeks, 4 days gestation, but he came out crying and breathing without the help of oxygen. We also found out that James had TWO (yes, two) knots in his cord, which Dr. Tinker told us is very rare. James was baptized by the sweetest deacon right after birth and was transported to LeBonheur shortly after that. James is now resting comfortably at LeBonheur, awaiting surgery. Please visit www.caringbridge.org/visit/jameshaberman to read more about our newest miracle!

Today is a bitter sweet Valentine's Day. We have welcomed a true miracle, yet we are missing another one. Today is National Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day. This time last year, we never would have guessed what an impact CHDs would have on our lives. CHDs are horrible, but with enough funding and support, one day they can hopefully be erased. That is the problem: there is not near enough funding for research, yet so many children are affected by CHDs. It is our hope that one day CHDs will no longer exist. Here is some helpful information on congenital heart defects (from http://www.itsmyheart.org/):

* Congenital Heart Defects are the #1 birth defect. Source: March of Dimes
* Congenital Heart Defects are the #1 cause of birth defect related deaths. Source: March of Dimes
* About 1 out of every 100 babies are born each year with some type of Congenital Heart Defect. (approx. 40,000/year) Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
* The American Heart Association directs only $0.30 of every dollar donated toward research. The remainder goes toward administration, education and fundraising efforts. Of the $0.30 that goes toward research only $0.01 goes toward pediatric cardiology for CHD. Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
* This year approximately 4,000 babies will not live to see their first birthday because of Congenital Heart Defects. Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
* The cost for inpatient surgery to repair Congenital Heart Defects exceeds $2.2 billion a year. Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
* Of every dollar the government spends on medical funding only a fraction of a penny is directed toward Congenital Heart Defect research. Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
* Though research is ongoing, at least 35 defects have now been identified.
* 4-8% born with CHD have Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome
* 4-10% born with CHD have Atrioventricular Septal Defects
* 8-11% born with CHD have Coarctation of the Aorta
* 9-14% born with CHD have Tetralogy of Fallot
* 10-11% born with CHD have Transposition of the Great Arteries
* 14-16% born with CHD have Ventricular Septal Defects
* Although some babies will be diagnosed during gestation or at birth, sometimes the diagnosis is not made until days, weeks, months, or even years after. In some cases, CHD is not detected until adolescence or adulthood. Source: March of Dimes
* It is a proven fact that the earlier CHD is detected and treated, it is more likely the affected child will survive and have less long term health complications. Source: March of Dimes

These are some scary statistics. Please join us in prayer that research for CHDs will receive the funding that is desperately needs. There is an HLHS baby in the NICU with James right now and it breaks our hearts to think about what that sweet baby and his/her parents are going through right now. Please pray for this sweet baby as well as all of the other sweet babies fighting right now. Thank you for continuing to check in on us and for showing your support for our family. We are so thankful for you all and for our angel Luke. God bless you all!!!!

It's been a while...

Hi everyone! It has been quite a long time since I have posted. I think this is the longest that I have gone between posts. Maybe it is a sign of healing? Maybe it is a sign of being busy? I am not sure, but I do know that I think of and talk about our angel each and every day. He is always in my thoughts and prayers. I always feel badly because I share our journey with Luke with complete strangers. People will ask me if James is our first child and I tell them "no, he is our fourth". After they pick their jaws up, they ask me the ages of the others. I can't ignore the fact that Luke is our third child, so I tell them about Emily, Matthew, and our special angel. Then, we usually talk about James and his omphalocele. I often feel guilty for pouring my heart out to a complete stranger, but then again, the more people who know our story and who pray for our babies, the better!

The other day, I was searching for HLHS poetry and found this really neat poem. I had never seen it before and thought I would share it with all of you. I think it is really sweet and nice. It really points to the fact that Luke was "loaned" to us from God. I feel privileged that Tommy and I were chosen to be the parents of an amazing angel, as well as parents to three other miracles! Here is the poem:

A Child Loaned
This is a poem is found in the prologue to the book Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome: A Guide for Parents

I'll lend you for a little time

a child of mine,"

He said,"for you to love the whole while he lives.

It may be six or seven years

or twenty-two or three,

but will you, till I call him back,

take care of him for me?"

"He'll bring his charm to gladden you,

and should his stay be brief,

you'll have his lovely memories

as solace for your grief."

"I cannot promise he will stay

since all from earth return,

but there are lessons taught down there

I want this child to learn."

"I've looked this wide world over

in my search for teachers true,

and from the things that crowd life's lane

I have selected you."

"Now will you give him all your love

nor think the labor vain,

Nor hate me when I come to call

and take him back again?"

"I fancied that I heard them say

'Dear Lord, Thy will be done,

for all the joy the child shall bring

the risk of grief we'll run.'

'We'll shelter him with tenderness;

We'll love him while we may,

and for the happiness we've known

forever grateful stay.

But should the angels call for him

much sooner than we planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes

and try to understand.'"

- Edgar Guest

I hope you enjoyed this beautiful poem! We have had a lot of fun lately and have some great pictures. I will post them the next time I write. The kids have had snow and went to a sock hop--I can't wait to share our pics!

On the James front, we have an announcement: we have begun a CaringBridge site for him and the address is www.caringbridge.org/visit/jameshaberman. Please be sure to visit to get updates on James. We thought it would be great for James to have his own site...please visit and send the site to all of your friends and family. The latest update on him is on there--hope you enjoy our new site!

Once again, God bless you all for your support, love, and faith. You are amazing people and we are so thankful for all of you.

Ten Months Old

Happy birthday, baby boy! Luke would be 10 months old today. I can't believe that it was ten months ago today that we learned our baby boy had a severe CHD. So much has changed since our angel was born: watching him fight through a major surgery and its recovery, being home with him, losing him, learning that we had another miracle on the way, moving and leaving our family and friends, making new friends, finding out we were having another boy and then finding out he also has an issue...through all of this, we have tried to keep one thing constant: prayer. I have always felt that Tommy and I were prayerful people, but we have never relied on God as much as we have these past 10 months. And I have to say that it has been wonderful. It has been so good for me to be able to ask God to take away my worry and anxiety. Do I still get nervous abut ultrasounds? Yes. Do I still worry constantly about James and his omphalocele? Yes. Do I believe that God will always take care of our family? YES! The past ten months have taught me to trust in God more than ever and I thank Him for that gift.

Below is a picture I meant to send out weeks ago. My parents went to visit Luke at the cemetery in December and brought him a special present: his own Christmas tree. We are so thankful that others can visit Luke as it is very difficult for us to deal with the fact that we cannot visit him. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for this kind gesture for our baby. I know he thinks his Christmas tree is the coolest ever!


On the James front, we had another ultrasound today (we are now going every two weeks). Everything is stable and there were no changes. His heart looked beautiful and everything else checked out. His omphalocele is stable and his growth is good. He weighs about 4 pounds 2 ounces, although we will never be able to get a perfect weight as part of his insides are on the outside (to put it bluntly). The doctor said that we just need to focus on a room color, which made us feel good (he has told us this before). He only spent about five minutes with us, which we also look at as a good sign. James passed his biophysical profile (BPP) within the first ten minutes, which also made us happy. As you can see, we have no pictures as James decided to keep both hands in front of his little face. One hand kept opening and closing as if he was waving at us. He is a little stinker! I see my regular OB tomorrow and will see the perinatalogist in two weeks. As always, we appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers.

We hope that you all have a wonderful week. Thank you for checking up on us. God bless you all!

Christmas in Review...

MERRY CHRISTMAS to everyone! I know, it's a little late, but I have never been known to be on time--just ask Tommy. We had a very busy Christmas here at home. Nana (Tommy's mom) came to visit and we had a great time. To say that this was the most difficult Christmas we have faced would be an understatement. Of course we missed our angel Luke so much. This time last year, we were filled with hope, expecting another baby girl (note: if you recall, Luke was a "girl" for TWO ultrasounds), and looking forward to 2008. Little did we know that we not only had a boy on our hands, but a boy who was quite sick (but also very strong). As we have said throughout this journey, Luke brought so much love and strength to our family. We would not be the same without him. This Christmas, we are once again filled with hope, expecting another one of God's miracles, and looking forward to the year ahead. Tommy and I were eager to welcome 2009 and all of the blessings it will bring. We had our good friends, Jacque and Rich, and their three kiddos visit for the New Year. Rich and Jacque introduced us, so we are very thankful to have them as friends. We had fun doing "old people" things like playing board games and reminiscing about high school and college. I even pulled out our old yearbooks! Here are some pictures of the past few weeks:

Emily and Matthew before Mass on Christmas Eve

Me and Tommy before Mass

Tommy and Nana before Mass

I know it's a dark video, but I thought the kids looked cute throwing out reindeer food for Rudolph and his friends. We mixed oatmeal and sugar crystals so that the reindeer could see the food from the sky. This is a tradition that the kids love!

We took Nana to see the ducks at The Peabody Hotel in Memphis. It was a fun time!

These are a few new pics of Sweet Baby James at 30 weeks, 2 days. James is still growing well and is at the 46% for size. We are feeling so thankful and so blessed that he is doing so well with his growth. Although the omphalocele is staying stable (thank you, God!), the perinatalogist thought that he saw a little liver in there, so we are praying that this is not the case. ***As a side note, the tech said it was still only small bowel*** We are feeling more confident that the omphalocele is all that we will be dealing with and I am constantly thankful to God for giving me moments of peace that all will be ok with our little boy. I feel so selfish for always asking for prayers, but I know that they work and that God is hearing them, so please keep them coming! We are still praying for a miracle and that the omphalocele will go away--we do believe in miracles!!!! We are also still praying for no chromosomal issues, no growth in the omphalocele, continued growth for James, and that only the small bowel remains. Thank you, in advance, for your prayers! PS...I love the pic of James sucking his thumb--he was also sticking his tongue out at the kids when they were in the ultrasound room!

BIG NEWS! Emily had a huge day today...after growing it out for 1 1/2 years, Emily cut her hair today. She is donating it to Locks of Love and is so happy that she will be able to help another child who is sick. We are so proud of our little girl and we think she looks just fabulous with her stacked cut! Above is Emily's before picture.

During...my eyes got a little teary!

Our beautiful big girl after. She can't wait to show off her new 'do at school on Monday!

Once again, thank you for your constant thoughts and prayers. We are so blessed to have people like you all who check up on us and who pray for our family. God bless you all and we hope that you have a happy and blessed New Year!

8 months ago...

Eight months ago, I fed my baby for the last time. Eight months ago, I changed my baby's diaper for the last time. Eight months ago, I held my baby for the last time. Eight months ago, I said "goodbye". Eight months ago, I cried. Today, I still cry. ( I think I have written almost the same thing in a previous entry, but I still feel the same).

Today, we were so busy that I didn't even realize what day it was until I got home from Emily's Christmas party at school. It's not that I didn't think of Luke throughout the day, it's just that I didn't realize that today is the 18th. Today is one of the most difficult days for me each month. I think that God was giving me a break, knowing that I could use half of the day to get things done with Em and Matt, without thinking about the date. I thank Him for that as I was able to enjoy Em's party immensely.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the day that Luke went to heaven. I'm not sure if it is because of the anxiety I feel about James' birth and expected stay in the NICU or if it is simply because it is Christmas-time, "the most wonderful time of the year". I still have so much guilt, thinking "if I had just pushed this issue or that issue more, then Luke would be here with us now." I will never look at ambulances in the same way and I still have a difficult time passing the funeral home here in town. So much about our lives has changed since Luke joined our family. We have learned more about faith, more about love, more about hope, more about ourselves, more about each other, and we have been given the gift of a new life in James! We are so grateful for Luke's life and thank God for him each day!

We have had a busy week here...Matthew's Christmas program was on Monday. Boy, was he proud to be on stage and boy, did he look exactly like my dad! I have posted a short video below for you to see (sorry for the poor quality...we used our regular camera). He is the tall boy in red on the top left. The kids are singing "Away in a Manger" and did a great job! He was so proud and he made us so proud! Emily's Christmas party was today. Matthew and I joined her class to decorate gingerbread houses and to eat lots of yummy snacks. It is always fun to visit Emily's class--kindergarten is one of my favorite grades! Of course, I didn't have my camera today...I was doing well by bringing the fruit for the party! I love my babies and I am so glad that I was lucky enough to celebrate with them!




On Tuesday, Tommy and I met with Dr. Langham. He is the chief of surgery at the children's hospital and we feel very comfortable with him doing the surgery. Of course, we are not certain whether or not he will perform James' surgery as it will depend on who is on-call the day James is born. We were hoping for some more concrete answers, but until our sweet boy is born, the surgeons won't have a plan. They will need to develop a plan just for James, so we wait...As I said before, the anxiety seems to be getting to me more and more. After all, James will be here in a little less than 2 1/2 months. I am nervous about another baby in the NICU, more feeding issues, intubation, etc. Moms who have been through this before, I am sure you understand the anxiety. To fight these feelings, I find myself begging God to take them away. I literally ask Him out loud to give me the strength that I need to get over the fear. As always, He does and I feel instantly better. I love it when He gives me peace about James--I always welcome that peace. Dr. Langham is going to call the head NICU nurse and ask her to give us a tour of the facility. I believe this will really help me and Tommy prepare for what we will be facing once James is here. We also asked him about child life for Emily and Matthew. Child life is a program that helps siblings deal with having siblings in the hospital. He said that the NICU staff will be able to help us with that. I feel that the kids are becoming more and more nervous as James' arrival nears. I want them to feel as comfortable about all of this as possible.

Nana (Tommy's mom) is coming next week to visit for Christmas. We are all very excited about having her here and the kids are SUPER excited. We have some ideas planned for the week, so we should keep Nana very busy. We hope she is ready for a loud and crazy house!

Once again, I want to thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and kind words. I know I have said this before, but I am terrified of people forgetting about Luke and all of the things he brought to our lives. We always appreciate your comments, both here and on CaringBridge. We thank you for your support for our little family. God bless you all!

My Miracles

I feel like I haven't written in a long time...I guess I haven't. we have been so busy during this season, that I haven't had a chance to just sit and blog. I have wanted to write about the subject of miracles for a very long time now. I feel so blessed in my life that I have been given so many miracles. I wanted to share them with all of you:

My husband. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to marry the man of my dreams, the man God made for me. I found that in Tommy. He is wonderfully perfect for me and he makes me smile each time I look at him or even think about him. He is my husband, the father of my children, and my best friend. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I share everything with this man and he knows me better than anyone. He knows what to say and when to say it. He is the miracle who I prayed for all of my life.

My children. These are the miracles who have made me who I am: a Mommy. I may not be perfect at my job, but they give me enough kisses and hugs to reassure me that I must be doing something right. They are the most amazing little people and God has blessed me abundantly with them. Emily is my confident, helpful, beautiful little girl who has given me the gift of pride. Matthew is my talkative, boisterous, handsome little man who has given me the gift of patience (if you know Bubba, you should be laughing right now). Luke is my strong, courageous, gorgeous little boy who has given me the gift of a stronger faith. James is my active, sweet, adorable baby boy who has given me the gift of hope. How lucky am I to have been given such gifts? God must truly love me!

My family. OK, so some people may say that I am too close to my family. But I disagree. How can you be too close to family? Family is what helps to form the person that you are. Without my family, I may not be the Bernie that I am today. My family has taught me faith, love, strength, perseverance, the list goes on and on. My parents did an amazing job raising five children. They are examples to others and I appreciate the fact that they didn't decide to stop at 4 kids! I can never thank my parents, my brother, and my three sisters enough for being there for us during the past nine months. I know they will never know how much they have helped us during these difficult months. I also want to make sure to include my extended family in this category. My grandmother, grandfather, and aunts and uncles have been amazing through all of this. Luke had so many great aunts and great uncles come to the funeral! He is like a little rock star in our family--I know that no one who knew him (whether in person or via the computer) will ever forget the impact that he made on their lives. When James arrives, he will get to meet many of his great aunts and uncles, also. They are all so eager to come, meet James, and help out and we welcome them with open arms!

Tommy's Family. Just as I cannot imagine who I would be without my family, I cannot imagine who Tommy would be without his family. Tommy was a "surprise" baby and his parents raised him with such strength and faith. I know I have said it many times, but I cannot imagine getting through this year without my husband's faith and strength. Thank you to Nana and Pop Pop for raising such an amazing man. He wouldn't be who he is without you and his brothers.

All of our medical staff. Doctors are amazing people. They go to school forever and then spend their lives caring for others. They don't always get to take time off for holidays and they make their patients their priority. Had it not been for the doctors, we wouldn't have had the 5 1/2 weeks with Luke that we were blessed with. If not for the doctors here, we would not be able to expect a lifetime with our James. What a miracle! I also want to mention all of the nurses and other medical staff who we have come in contact with and who we have yet to meet. These people are absolutely selfless and wonderful. They care for my babies like they are their own. I can never thank them enough.

Friends. All of you have been a constant miracle in my life, even before Luke was born. I have always been able to count on my friends for everything. But especially now, after everything that we have been through, you have been extraordinary. For the first time in my life, I can say that I have friends who I have never even met. How miraculous is that? There are people out there who I never knew before Luke's birth who I can honestly call friends. WOW! God has really helped me out, hasn't He? He knew that I would need you and His call was answered by you. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

One group of friends I have made since we began this journey are other heart moms. One of these moms, Shannon (mom to Carlie--her blog is on the right), has created a video montage to help raise awareness of congenital heart defects. Shannon asked for pictures of heart babies, both angels and living. Luke is included in this video and it is very moving. Please take the time to watch this video, it really points out how devastating heart defects can be. I know that Shannon reads the blog, so please feel free to leave any comments at the bottom of this post for her to read. I am sure she would love to read them! We really appreciate your taking the time to watch her presentation--it means A LOT to us! Here is the video:



Luke's birthday was this past Friday. He would be 9 months old right now. I can't believe that! I can't believe that 9 months ago, we welcomed a very brave little boy into our lives. One who I truly believe knew in his little broken heart that he would only be with us for a short time. I believe that Luke was sent as a gift from God for all of us. He lived so strongly and so happily for the 5 1/2 weeks that he was with us. Our angel's life gave us the gift of James and for that, we are so thankful to him and to God. We are blessed.

Just a quick prayer request...on Tuesday, we are meeting with the surgeon who will perform James' surgery (ies). Dr. Langham is the surgeon and we have read and heard great things about him. He is very qualified and we look forward to learning more about the procedure(s) and what to expect. We will write this week to let you know what we hear from him. Please say a prayer that our meeting goes smoothly and that Dr. Langham is able to answer all of our questions (there are a lot:) ). Thank you for your continued prayers for our family and for our children. God bless you all!!!!

James Update

James at 26 weeks, 2 days

Hi everyone! We just wanted to give a quick update on Sweet Baby James. Tommy, my mother, father, and I went to the perinatologist today to check out our little man. We are SO happy to say that James looked absolutely perfect! His omphalocele has not changed in size and his intestine continues to be the only thing involved. We had another fetal echo cardiogram and were able to see all of the chambers, valves, and a perfect aorta! We were also excited to see the inflow and outflow of each valve. It is such a nervous feeling walking into the ultrasound room, but each time we are told this "looks perfect" and that "looks great", we let out a huge sigh. I had the privilege of seeing the ultrasound with my mother as she had never seen a level 2 or 3D ultrasound. There were happy tears and many thoughts of our angel, but it was a really great thing to see that our baby boy is doing so well. He weighed in at 2 pounds, 2 ounces and was measuring 2 days big. None of our other babies ever really measured large. In fact, they usually measured about 5 days small. We are still praying for growth, growth, growth!!!! We are hoping to make it to 39 weeks before we meet our newest miracle. I have to say that James was making the tech laugh as he moved all around during the entire ultrasound--he never stopped fidgeting! He is already head down, as all of my babies like to do at about this time. Because of that, the above pic is the best we could do. The poor tech tried to get a good face picture for about 20 minutes, but James wouldn't cooperate, just like his big sissy! He is hiding behind a hand, a placenta, and an umbilical cord. He also has his face pushed up against my placenta, so his little nose is a little mushed. He is looking a lot like Emily, which means he will be his Daddy's boy! We look forward to meeting him in a few months, but not too soon.

I wanted to wish everyone a belated Happy Thanksgiving! We had quite the time here. My parents, my 3 sisters, their spouses and children all came to town to celebrate with us. I have to admit that having 10 adults and 11 children in our house kept things pretty upbeat. Of course, we missed our Luke like crazy. There were times during the weekend that I just broke down, wishing that Luke could be here with us and imagining him in a high chair spitting out all of his food. We missed him a lot and I relied a lot on others to help me get through the sadness. Thank you to everyone for making our first Thanksgiving without Luke as painless as possible. We are so thankful that God sent us such an amazing soul and that he has blessed us with yet another miracle. We are truly blessed with extraordinary children and we thank God for all of them!!!!

Forgive me if this entry is all jumbled as I am trying to get downstairs for dinner. I just wanted to give an update on James. Once again, we appreciate all of your prayers for our family. We are still praying for no chromosomal defects and continued growth for James. We are also continuing to pray for a miracle and that James' omphalocele disappears. We are so thankful for all of you, especially during the past almost 9 months. You have no idea how much you have helped us through this extremely difficult time. God bless you all!