Seriously, Bernie.

I cannot understand why I have been so bad about blogging lately. I mean, how hard is it to let everyone know about our lives? How difficult is it to share our triumphs and our sorrows? The truth is, I was never really good at blogging. I will let you in on a little secret: I have another blog. I started it when Emily was 3 and Matthew was 1. You know, the days when the only health issues Tommy and I had to worry about were ear infections or tummy bugs. Looking back on the old blog, I have to laugh. It seems as if we were always at the doctor's office for something. But thankfully, those trips to Dr. Irani were for the "little" things. How I long for the "little" things. For some odd reason, the blog just stopped. I just stopped writing. Maybe it was the dawn of Facebook or the fact that I started working again that fall. I'm not sure why I stopped, but I did. I don't ever want to stop this blog. It represents so much to me: a legacy that no one, and I mean no one, can take away from our family. There are some great pics of Em and Matt when they were wee little ones, so please check the other blog out at: http://www.houseofhaberman.blogspot.com/. Let me know what you think! :)

As for our family, we are doing great! We had an amazing Christmas with Nana. Matthew had a wonderful Christmas program at preschool and Emily was a lamb in the Christmas pageant at church. Emily and Matthew finally got their Wii and James got a bunch of fun toys. I think his favorite one was the Busy Ball Popper from Playskool. James had a clean ultrasound last month and his AFP numbers (from the blood test that checks for liver tumors) were low (which is a good thing). Please continue to pray for James and that he does not develop any tumors. We were so thankful to be able to enjoy Jesus' birthday with our family. We can't imagine the celebration that Luke had with Jesus that day.

Now on to the heavy stuff...I'm not going to lie. It's been difficult lately. I'm not sure why. It may be because holidays are always more tough without Luke. It may be that his second birthday is in a few months. It may be that his legacy is about to be one year old. I'm not sure why. What I do know is that I miss him like crazy. I miss him so much. I still can't believe he is gone. I recently had one of those moments: the kind where I can't believe any of this has happened. Did we really lose a baby? It's just not possible.

It is at difficult times when God steps in and shows me the way. I may not know it at the time, but He does. This evening at Mass, I had to take James into the narthex. *side note: the kid loves to hear his echo, which is not such a good thing during the gospel reading* So the naughty (but extremely cute) boy and I walked around the narthex for a little bit. While checking out the information table, I saw a pamphlet on St. Therese. I know a lot of friends who know a lot about St. Therese, but I didn't know anything about her...until tonight. WOW! She has quite a story, filled with death and heartache. Therese was the youngest of 9, but only five of them lived to adulthood. Her mother died when she was four years old. Instead of dwelling in her sorrows, Therese decided to look for God in everything. Therese spoke of her "little way", looking to God as a child. She taught others to look for God in everything: in flowers, in kind gestures, in a smile. As I said, Therese did not dwell in her hardships or her sadness. Instead, she sought out God during these times and learned to trust Him. Trust. Trust Him. I could learn a lot from this young girl's life (Therese passed away from Tuberculosis when she was 24 years old).

I needed this tonight. I needed to remember that I must trust God as a child trusts his/her mother or father. Do I like the fact that we lost Luke? No. But I know that there is a grand plan and that God knew me before He formed me. I need to remember that even when I hurt, I can use my own "little ways" to make the day brighter for another person. Therese suffered silently, but showed kindness to others. I need to be more like her. I need to be more childlike in my faith. I pray that God will help show me the way.

On a super great awesome exciting note...we are coming to HOUSTON! We are going to spend spring break in H-Town. We are so excited to see our friends and family. I was talking to my amazing friend, Nicole (you may remember her as the brave neighbor who changed out our toilet seats before we put the house on the market) the other day. She has her own little miracle baby, Billy, who I cannot wait to meet. Anyway, Nicole and I were talking and she asked when we were planning to return to Houston. After a quick discussion, she and I devised a plan in which we would come during spring break. The most amazing part about it, you ask? We will be there to celebrate Luke's birthday with him. That's right, we don't have to wish we were at his site as we will be there. The even more amazing part, you ask? We are going to have a birthday party for him, right there at his site. We will have cake and goodies, along with 38 balloons to release...one for each day that he lived. If you live in or around Houston, please consider coming to Luke's birthday party. We would love to have those who can make it come to celebrate our angel's 2nd birthday. More information to come...

Thanks for listening to me ramble on tonight. There is just so much to share. Please scroll down as there are a few pictures from Christmas. Also, in case anyone wants to know, Luke's Tree had over $7000 in donations from all over the United States!!!! That is amazing and we are so thankful it was such a success. We are working on becoming non-profit, so if any of you have done this and can offer some advice, we would love it! God bless and take care of yourselves!

Christmas in Pictures

Check out Luke's Tree

It's done!!!! Please visit www.lukestree.blogspot.com to see the post about our delivery today. We are so thankful for this chance and for all of your support. God bless you all!

The Tree...

So you have heard about Luke's Tree, now you can see it for yourself. All 11 families are being helped and we are so thankful for the outpouring of support and prayers. We are hopeful that this project will continue to grow year after year. God bless you all!

The Tree in the CVICU. Everything has to be flame resistant...fun fact for the day: if you ever need to find flame resistant paper, simply go to www.officedepot.com to purchase it.

One of the hearts up close. It matches the shape of the heart on the Luke's tree logo. On the back, it explains how to help and how to adopt a family.

Finally...

Not many words, just pictures. These are from Halloween, Emily's 7th birthday party, Matthew's big fat lip from when he fell off of his scooter, Thanksgiving photo shoot with my sister...and then just some fun ones thrown in. We are still so busy with Luke's Tree. ELEVEN families are being helped through this awesome opportunity. Thank you for your support and prayers...please also pray for these families as some are facing some unimaginable hardships. Check out www.lukestree.blogspot.com. God bless!

Healing Hearts...One Gift at a Time

Hi guys! It has been such a long time since I blogged...I need to get better with this. I have lots of photos from Halloween (yes, it's been that long) and Thanksgiving to share, but I will save those for another post (which I hope will not be too long). Tonight, I wanted to share a project that we have begun which is very close to our hearts: LUKE'S TREE!

Unfortunately, many families are facing tough times this Christmas. There are many heart families who are struggling not only to pay large medical bills, but who are also struggling emotionally. For this reason, we have decided to help with a project at Le Bonheur (where James was treated nine short months ago) called Luke's Tree. Luke's Tree is in memory of our sweet angel and is a way for us to give support to heart families when they need it the most. Some of the stories we have heard from the families and CVICU staff include a house fire, a farm family whose crops failed due to the rain we have experienced, a family who is about to list their son for a heart transplant, etc. Each day is an emotional struggle for these families (believe this, we have been there) and we are hoping to ease some of the financial burdens that they are facing this season.

Presently, we have sent postcards out to eleven families in the mid south. These heart families were hand picked by the staff at Le Bonheur and are very deserving of our help. We are compiling wish lists from the families and are looking for friends and family to donate to the cause.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HELP? We'd love to have you! Here's what you can do: e-mail us at lukestree@yahoo.com. Let us know if you would like to "adopt" an entire family or whether you would like to fulfill a wish or two. No gift is too big or too small and we are just appreciative of the support we have already been given! If you have a group that would like to participate together, we would gladly welcome that, too! In fact, our first family was adopted by a group of my friends and most of the gifts have already been purchased! You don't need to live in the Memphis area to donate...you can have your gift/donation sent directly to us and we will deliver the gifts to Le Bonheur and, in some cases, directly to the families. Check out http://www.lukestree.blogspot.com for even more information.

One other thing...please feel free to forward this information on to all of your family and friends. Like we said, we have been so overwhelmed by the support and generosity we have already received. We feel as though this is our way to "give back" in honor of Luke's memory. It helps to know that we are making the holidays a little brighter for our fellow heart families. Hopefully, with your help, we can start "healing hearts...one gift at a time". God bless you all!

Message from Luke

Seriously, is this not the most beautiful face you have ever seen? Those eyes are the wisest I have ever seen. I always talk with other HLHS moms and we discuss our babies' eyes. It's like you can see directly into their souls. As promised, I am writing this post about Luke. After all, Luke is the reason we began this blog and I want everyone to remember what an amazing soul he is. Lately, I have had a lot of emotions and I'm not sure I can get them across eloquently, but I will try to share them nonetheless.

Now back to the picture...as I look at pictures of Luke, I still can't believe it. I can't believe that he was born with half of a heart. I can't believe that he lived through the most critical surgery that is performed on newborns. I can't believe that he came home without any tubes or wires. I can't believe that we lost him. I can't believe that he is no longer with us. Lately, I have seen a lot of babies Luke's age (about 19 months old). I don't know what it is, but I am drawn to these babies. I find them anywhere and no matter what, I can always guess their ages.

I miss him. I miss his smell. I miss his hair. I miss that serious little look he always gave us. I miss his cry. I miss the way he brought everyone together. I miss his smile, although we were only able to see it a few times.

I want him. I want to know how he would look right now. I want to see him walk. I want to hear him say "Mama". I want to see him eat solid foods. I want him to meet his little brother. I want to hear him laugh.

For some reason, it's the laughter that always gets to me. One of the most precious things to hear is the laughter of a baby. Tommy and I never got to hear our baby boy laugh. He was such a serious little man and never made it to that important milestone. I pray that he is up in heaven right now, laughing at me for being sad. I pray that he is up there asking God to make me realize that he is happy and that he is laughing every day. I need that.

Which leads me to something truly amazing. If you have been with us since the beginning, you may remember a few days after we lost Luke that he visited me in a dream. This was my entry on April 24, 2008:
Speaking of dreams...last night I had a dream that Luke came back to life. In the dream, I explained to everyone that he had come back and that he was here with us again. When I woke up to tell Tommy about the dream, he explained that he had a similar dream a few nights ago. After talking about it, we decided that our dreams were the "sign" from Luke and from God that we have been praying for. We think that Luke was telling us that he is alive again, just as Jesus rose after His death. Although it was a "sad" dream for me at the time, I believe that Luke was telling me that he is living in Heaven now, just as he told Tommy a few nights ago.

Well, a few weeks ago, I believe that our angel once again sent his Mommy a very important message. On the night Luke went to heaven, we were asked whether or not we wanted to do an autopsy so that the doctors could "look at his heart". We decided against this as we knew that Luke died of complications from HLHS. We felt peace about our decision. Even though Luke's surgeon confirmed that we would probably never have been able to find out what exactly happened that night, I have always had these lingering questions: was it a stroke? Did he aspirate? Was he in heart failure the week before when he wasn't eating well? Was it a heart attack? What happened to our baby? As a parent, you want to control the situation and that night, that control was taken from us. A few weeks ago, I woke up from a dream without those lingering questions. I woke up knowing what happened to Luke. I can't tell you who was in my dream or if Luke was even there, but I can tell you that I truly believe I know what happened to our baby boy. I believe that our angel let me know what happened to him. I'm not going to go into what I now believe to be true, but I will say that I have an enormous peace about that night and I now know that there was nothing any of us could have done to save Luke. It was his time and it was the time that I believe he and God agreed on before he was even born. Thank you Luke for being my angel.

God bless you all!