Prayer Requests...

Hi everyone! As a heart mom, I can't help but follow other heart families. Even though our precious Luke is no longer with us, we will always be a heart family. As such, I have two very big, very urgent prayer requests:

Lindsay Dean (www.lindsaysheart.blogspot.com) is getting her new heart RIGHT NOW! Lindsay has been in the hospital in Michigan since her second open heart surgery. The Glenn did not work, and the doctors told her parents that she needed a new heart. The Deans have been so strong and have been through so much--they are elated at the news of a new heart! Please visit Lindsay's blog and leave the Deans a note of encouragement as this is going to be a long night and a long few days for them. They are an amazing family and Suzie and JR are wonderful parents. Please also pray for the family who gave the greatest gift to the Dean family: the gift of life. They are grieving a loss that is unimaginable (we know that firsthand) and they did such a selfless act for someone else. God bless them and their sweet angel!

I also wanted to ask for prayers for a family expecting twins, one of whom has HLHS (http://gracefullydiscoveringme.blogspot.com/). DyMisha and her husband Norwood are expecting twins Nia and Naomi very soon. Nia has HLHS and will be whisked away to Texas Children's soon after birth. As you can imagine, this is a very tough time for DyMisha and Norwood, but they are holding on to their faith that Nia will do beautifully during her surgeries and her life. I was "introduced" to DyMisha through our mutual friend Leigh Anne via Facebook. We spoke on the phone and I know she is going to be such a great mom to these sweet girls. I am hoping to visit them in the hospital if the babies are born while we are in Houston--I would love to meet DyMisha and see her gorgeous twins! Plus, I think it is about time for me to "face" TCH and the CVICU. Please, please, please visit DyMisha's blog and lend her some support as this is a scary time for this young couple.

Thank you for continuing to visit our blog. You are all such amazing people and we are blessed to have you in our lives. God bless!

A Garden of Prayers

First off, I would like to thank everyone for your support on Luke's Angel Day. A number of people e-mailed, left notes on CaringBridge, and sent me Facebook messages. I was touched that so many people said a little prayer for us as well as for our angel on that day. Special thanks to Amy, Addie, Jack, and Jacque for going to visit our angel on that day (especially because there were HORRIBLE storms in Houston). You have no idea how much it means to us that others will visit Luke when we are unable to. We are looking forward to having a picnic with our angel when we visit Houston in June. Here are a few pictures that Amy sent us (sorry they are so small):

Addie with the flowers that she brought

Addie placing the sweet ceramic angel they purchased for Luke. Amy said that Addie insisted on putting the angel on the stone--I think that is so cute!

Luke's site

If you have read our journals since the beginning, you know that I worked in an amazing place before Luke was born. St. Anthony of Padua Little Saints Early Childhood Program is like a little family and I am so blessed to have been a part of it. The last few years have been tough on the staff at Little Saints. In October 2006, Hans was diagnosed with neuroblastoma. Hans is the son of one of my teacher friends, Lara. Hans is such a fighter and is doing really well! Read his story at http://www.hansjourney.blogspot.com/. A week before we lost Luke, another teacher friend, Leah, lost her twin boys Mason and Matthew at 21 weeks gestation. Then, we lost our Luke. After the loss of Luke, Mason, and Matthew, the staff and parents at Little Saints had an idea to create a prayer garden in memory of these angels. The children at Little Saints (including Emily and Matthew) decorated tiles to later be placed in benches for the memorial. Well, the garden was completed a few weeks ago and Father Tom (St. Anthony Pastor) blessed it on Thursday. Needless to say, Tommy and I were devastated that we couldn't be there. But Gramma, Grampa, and Nana, as well as many friends, were there to dedicate the garden to the three amazing angels.

Since we couldn't be there, I sent a note from us. The staff passed the note out to all who attended. I wanted to share the note with all of you:

First of all, Tommy and I would like to thank all of you for coming today. We are extremely saddened that we cannot be with you all at this moment. As you all know, our Luke was an amazing baby with a strong soul. Luke was born fighting for his life and many of us will never have to fight as hard in our 100 years as that little angel fought in just 5 ½ weeks. Luke lived for nine months in my belly, and only 37 days on earth outside of my womb, but he lives forever in the paradise that God has created for us in heaven.

We are so thankful for the many prayers that you all have said for our family over the course of the past year. We all prayed so hard for a miracle: that Luke would be healed. When Luke passed away, we realized that he did get the miracle we prayed for: Luke was welcomed into heaven as one of God’s little saints. How ironic is it that I worked at Little Saints and now I have my own little saint who gets to sit on Jesus’ lap? I can call on Luke and ask him to intercede whenever I want. I think that is a pretty big miracle. It is also a miracle that Luke will not have to have his chest opened again nor go on heart-lung bypass once more. It is a miracle that Tommy and I will never have to mourn the loss of another child so that our child may have a new heart. The biggest miracle that we witnessed because of the loss of Luke was the birth of our Sweet Baby James. Without Luke, this little miracle wouldn’t be with us. I know that Luke was watching out for his baby brother throughout the pregnancy and during his hospital stays. I know that Luke continues to watch after James as well as me, Tommy, Emily, and Matthew. My mom tells us that Luke is always on our shoulder and I think that is a pretty neat thing!

This time last year, I spent a lot of time asking God “why?” Why Luke? Why our family? I remember shouting to God at the top of my lungs the day that the movers came to get our furniture. I yelled, I screamed, I wept. As I sat in my house, all alone, I begged God to tell me why. I remember vividly saying “not my baby, I need him”. I still need him. We need him. But I need to remind myself that I do have Luke with me all the time. We all have Luke with us.

While I still ask why at times, now I find myself asking “why not?” Why not Luke? Why not our family? Luke was able to live an entire lifetime in just 5 ½ weeks. Did he ever get to visit Disney World? No. Did he get to attend school? No. Did he get married and have children? No. BUT, that little boy felt so much love and gave so much love, which is what we should all hope for in our lives. On the night we lost Luke, we knew he was not going to make it early on. The doctors, nurses, and staff at St. Luke’s ER tried so hard to save him, but we knew it was all for not. Tommy and I sat outside of the ER praying. Praying for our baby boy, praying for our family. We told God that it was OK for Him to take our baby. We would rather him live in heaven, whole and healthy, than live here with an uncertain future. I think that this was the most difficult thing we will every have to do in our entire lives.

In our absence, my parents (Gramma and Grampa) and Tommy’s mom (Nana) have come to celebrate Luke’s life. They have been our saving grace this year, to say the least. We feel so blessed that God gave us such caring and loving parents. We just hope that we can bring as much joy to our children’s lives as they have brought to ours. I want to thank them for everything. Thank you to Gramma for being Mommy when I couldn’t be, for being our personal maid and cook, for your prayers, and for being my mother when I needed you the most. Thank you to Grampa for being our extra ear during countless doctor’s appointments and consults, for being our chauffeur, for taking care of business, and for being Luke’s best buddy (he loved you so very much). Thank you to Nana for being Tommy’s shoulder to lean on, for being Emily and Matthew’s favorite playmate, and for your constant positive outlook. You are all incredible and we feel so blessed!

We would like to thank Katie, Denise, and the Little Saints staff for their love and support during the past year. What an amazing group of people! We would also like to thank the St. Anthony Church staff as well as the day school staff for their encouragement—this is quite an incredible faith family. Thank you, also, to the many parents at Little Saints and the day school whose children I have taught—you all have become my friends and I am so thankful for that! I have heard so many wonderful things about the prayer garden and we are humbled that our angel can share this honor with Matthew and Mason Bass. God bless you all and God bless the angels who watch over us!

God bless,
Bernie Haberman
(and Tommy, Emily, Matthew, James, and Angel Luke)

Tommy and I would like to thank Miss Allison and Miss Suzanne for helping to create this beautiful garden. Thank you to Katie, Denise, and Suzanne O'Neil for helping to coordinate the blessing. We appreciate Father Tom taking the time to bless this very special place. Here are a few pictures that friends and families sent:
The garden

Luke's cross and plaque

Angel with Little Saints plaque

Close-up

Luke's plaque close-up

Father Tom giving the blessing

The crowd

Matthew's tile (I'm not sure Grampa could find Emily's tile)

First bench

Second bench

Benches together

Isn't the garden beautiful? We are so thankful for this wonderful tribute to our boy! We hope that all of you are well. Our family is doing well and James is growing like crazy! May God bless you all!

PS Please pray for another St. Anthony family who is going through a difficult time. Matt Best is husband to Katie and father to Kelly and Andrew. Matt was diagnosed with cancer in March and the doctors have told him it is terminal. Right now, they are making him comfortable. I met Katie in the moms group at St. Anthony. They are a beautiful and faithful family and could really use a lot of prayers right now. You can visit their site and leave a note at: www.caringbridge.org/visit/mattbest. Once again, God bless you all!

Happy Angel Day, Sweet Boy!

Luke's baptism picture reminds me that Luke is in heaven with Jesus and all of his angel friends. He is in paradise. He no longer hurts. He won't have to face more surgeries. He won't grow up fearing that his heart may fail at any time. He is whole and he is healthy. He is our angel and he is our saint. He is another one of our miracles and we are so much better for having him in our lives!

When we lost Luke, a number of wonderful people sent notes of encouragement, love, and hope. We were (and are) so thankful for all of the sentiments shared with us. I would like to share one of these notes with you all. My sister, Katie, is married to Tom. Tom's parents lost a son, Patrick, shortly after birth. Mrs. Tierney sent me a note that someone had sent her after the loss of Patrick. It was truly touching and it helped me to know that I was not alone in missing my son. Here is the letter, a letter to Luke from his mother:

To Luke...
My darling Luke, now in joy before the throne of God, you are now so close to Him, and in your spotless innocence, which He loves, you can speak to Him with a voice that He will surely heed. You are still my little baby and because of the great happiness you now enjoy, hear now the prayers of your mother. I entrust my petitions to you and beseech you to intercede for me, your mother, and obtain for me the favors and graces I so earnestly desire. If what I ask, in all humility, is not for the glory of God and good of souls, then beg of God whatever would be most conducive to both, for my only desire is to follow His will in all things.
My dear little one, God in His love and infinite mercy, has called you back to live in eternal joy and to share the life of the Holy Innocents there. It was a cross hard for me to bear when you were taken from my arms for the last time; parting with you caused me grief that few can know. But I rejoice in the glory that is now yours, because as your mother, I played a small part in bringing it to you. I realize that you are mine now in a truer sense thank you could ever have been upon earth.
Help me, Luke, by your intercession and pray that I may be faithful to all my duties, and that I may, with God's grace, fulfill His holy will so that one day I may find you waiting for me on the threshold of heaven and be able to once again hold you in my arms. Until then, I entrust you to the love and care of Mary our beloved mother, who has given to your mother, the privilege of sharing with her the joys and sorrows of this life. May she be so much more the mother that I so longed to be to you.
Love, guard and guide me dear Luke, and all those whom you and I hold dear, that we may all kneel together at the throne of God for all eternity. Amen.

I find the following part of the note so profound: "But I rejoice in the glory that is now yours, because as your mother, I played a small part in bringing it to you. I realize that you are mine now in a truer sense than you could ever have been upon earth." WOW! Did I really play a part in bringing God's glory to my son? That makes me feel pretty important! And to think that Luke is mine in a truer sense now that he is with God--boy is that true. My mom always reminds all of us that Luke is always with us, sitting on our shoulder. Special thanks to Mrs. Tierney for sending me this note--it meant so much to me.

I'm not sure what exactly we will do tomorrow. The one thing I do know is that we will be at Mass tomorrow evening. Tears will be shed and we will do as we do each week: we will light a candle for our sweet angel and ask God and Mary to hold him in their arms until we can meet again.

It has been such a tough year, filled with the sorrow of a life lost as well as the joy of a new life. It has been filled with spiritual growth as well as growth in our relationships with each other. I ask that you all please remember our angel in prayer today. Please let him know that he is not forgotten and that he will always be remembered. As you all well know, this has been my biggest fear: that Luke will be forgotten. If only more of you were able to meet him, you would have been in the presence of an angel here on earth. God sent us an angel and we are so thankful to Him for that gift.

I just wanted to post the poem, "Little Angels", which was on the back of Luke's funeral Mass card:

When God calls little children
to dwell with Him above,
We mortals sometimes question
the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with
the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world
seem wonderful and mild
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold,
So He picks a rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them,
and so He takes but few
To make the land of Heaven
more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult,
still somehow we must try.
The saddest word mankind knows
will always be "Goodbye"
So when a little child departs,
we who are left behind
Must realize God loves children,

Angels are hard to find.

I love that poem and it is so very true. Do I wish that Luke was not one of those rosebuds? Of course, but like I said, I am happy that he is no longer hurting. I am happy that he is with God, safe in His loving arms. I can't imagine how beautiful heaven is with all of those rosebuds--can you imagine that perfect picture?!?! I pray that I will be able to see it one day.

Thank you for all of your support throughout this year. I pray that Luke's life will continue to inspire others and that you all continue to remember him and our family in your prayers. You are all amazing! God bless!

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter to all of our friends and family! We hope that this day finds you all well and happy. We have had a busy day with Aunt Rita, Uncle Mike, and cousins Clare and Greg. We were so glad that they could come visit from North Carolina and we have had a wonderful weekend. They leave tomorrow and I am not sure what the kids are going to do! It was so much fun dressing the kiddos up for Mass. Emily was a beautiful picture in her white dress, Matthew looked like a little man, and James was so sweet in his little Feltman Brothers outfit. Here is a picture of them after Mass:

Of course, there were some difficult moments this weekend. Last year, Easter fell right after Luke's surgery. He was taken off of the vent on Holy Saturday and we were able to see him awake on Easter. What a wonderful gift that was! I remember bringing an Easter basket to the CVICU and hoping that Luke would be able to play with his toys one day. Unfortunately, Luke was not able to play with them here on earth, but I know he has much better toys up in heaven! I wanted to post the message that Tommy wrote last year on Easter...it gave me a lot of great memories of our angel:

Well, it was another GREAT Easter. Bernie and I went to the hospital this morning to visit Luke. We delivered the basket left by the Easter Bunny. He wasn't too interested in any of the toys yet, but I'm sure he will be soon.
Luke continues to make wonderful progress. We talked to one of the cardiologists on-call, and he said Luke is doing great!! We heard him cry today, which was a nice sound to hear. You can tell he's a fighter. As you can see in some of the pictures, they have taken out his breathing tube, so we can really see his beautiful face now. He should also have most, if not, all of his lines taken out tomorrow. That is a huge step for several reasons, but one of the biggest is that we can hold him again. What a feeling that will be!!
We also had an excellent dinner at Gramma and Grampa's house, with Nana, Uncle Rob and Aunt Maggie and their family and Aunt Katie and her children (Uncle Tom had to go back to Minnesota today).
Happy Easter to all of you...what a blessed day!

Thank you for letting me share that. It was such a wonderful day for us and we are so thankful that God allowed us to have that beautiful boy with us, even for a short time. As I said, I had a number of emotions this weekend, mostly wanting all four of our babies with us here on earth. It is still extremely difficult for me to face the fact that I won't ever hold Luke on earth ever again. Luke was buried in his Easter outfit, the one I had bought before he was born, expecting to take a sweet two-week old to Mass with us. He is wearing it in the family picture on this page.

I fear the things that I am "forgetting" about Luke: the way his skin felt, his smell, the sound of his cry. As his Angel Day approaches, I fear the reaction I will have. Will I cry all day? Will I spend all day anticipating the time we gave him to God? I think that the anticipation is a lot more difficult than the actual day. Once again., I have a favor to ask: please take a minute or two on Saturday, April 18th to remember our boy. If you could, please say a prayer for him and for all of his angel friends. Please say a prayer for all of the babies and children who are still fighting CHDs, including Lindsay, Teagan, Owen, Carlie, Patrick, Khloe, Steven Joseph and our niece Megan. CHDs affect way too many children and we need to find a cure!

I pray that you all are doing well on this wonderful day. Thank you to Jesus for dying so that we many live. We are so thankful that our baby boy an live in paradise with Jesus and all the angels and saints. God bless you all!

A Special Day for a Special Boy

I have been needing to update Luke's blog for a while now, but things have been so crazy with James going back for his hernia surgery and getting back on schedule. Above is a video of the kids singing "Happy Birthday" to Wittle Bubba. Just ignore the Mommy in the background with the bad singing voice! They really enjoyed making cupcakes for him (and they loved eating them, too!).

We were so touched by the outpouring of prayers and love on our angel's birthday. I had no idea how many people would help us celebrate Luke's special day. We are thankful that family and friends were able to visit Luke at his site--you all have no idea how much it meant to us! We want to thank Uncle Mike, Nicole, Lillie, Kim and Emery, Jacque, Trip, Jax, and Alyn for visiting Luke's site for his birthday. They sent some pictures and I wanted to share them with you all.











As you an see, Luke's site was quite festive and I know that he was smiling up in heaven. Thank you, guys! I wanted to share something that our good friend, Jacque, sent us after visiting Luke's site:
"I took the kids with me this morning for Luke's birthday. His plot was easy to see because he had already had some visitors that had left some fun balloons for him with big "Happy Birthday" written all over them. I have to tell you this was the 3rd time I have visited the site and this was the first time I really broke down (you know I'm not a big crier). You have shared so much of Luke with us that we have taken somewhat of an ownership over him. I was watching Alyn while we were there and was really sad that she never got to meet her little buddy Luke. Thank you thank you thank you for letting Rich and I into the room after his surgery, he was so beautiful even with all of those wires. It has been such beautiful weather here all week and today it rained, it was as if God was shedding His tears on all of us. When I got back in the car a song by MercyMe called 'Bring the Rain' was on."
Here is a part of the song that Jacque pointed out...it means a lot and I hope that I am living up to this verse:
"To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times."

My friend, Lillie, who I worked with for two years at Little Saints (boy, do we have some stories to share...) also wrote me a note that really made an impact on me. It was about a gift that a friend brought to her family when her grandmother passed away. Read on...
"A friend of the family gave each of my grandmother's kids a lily plant at her funeral. When I asked why (because I always thought you sent flowers) this is what she said. She gives the lily plants because the plant itself means "peace". Since my grandmother had passed, she was now at peace with God up in heaven and her family should feel peace knowing that she is taken care of and is no longer in any pain. The flower that the plant produces what almost looks an open circle. She said that when we see the flower that it is my grandmother giving us a hug and telling us that she is still watching over us. To this day, every member of my family has a lily plant in their house. This is why I gave one to Luke. That way he know that all of you are giving him a hug on his special day even if you can not be there with him."

My friend and fellow heart angel mom, Rebecca, and her family also celebrated Luke's birthday with cupcakes. I love how her son, Wyatt, doesn't eat the icing. Too cute! Thank you for sharing our angel's day, Rebecca. I just know our little ones had the best day with Jesus and all the other angels.





I also wanted to share some pictures of our balloon release...





It was amazing to watch the balloons float up to heaven for Luke and his friends to enjoy. The kids truly believe that the balloons floated up to Luke and that he got to play with them. I like to believe that happened, too.

Once again, thank you for your prayers on Luke's birthday. It was a difficult day, but we rejoiced in the fact that Luke is with God and that he is no longer hurting. We are now waiting, once again, for Luke's Angel Day to arrive. I am not sure how we will handle that day, but I am sure that we will be happy when we think of our angel's sweet life. God bless you all!

Happy 1st Birthday, Wittle Bubba!

My dear friend and fellow heart angel mom, Rebecca, created a montage for her angel Annabelle. I thought it was beautiful and decided to create one for Luke. How can a life only last 5 1/2 weeks? But, oh what a life it was! God bless you all and Happy Birthday to our angel!

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Waiting...

This time last year, we were waiting. Now I find myself waiting once again. The difference is that last year we were waiting to welcome a healthy baby boy. This year, we are waiting to celebrate his birthday without him here. How do you celebrate an angel's birthday? What will he think when he hears us sing "Happy Birthday"? Will he realize how much we miss him? Will he realize how much we wish he was here with us? Will he realize that we have not forgotten about him? I don't ever want Luke to think that we have forgotten about him or that we have abandoned him. I would give anything to have all four of our children with us.

Luke's first birthday is this Thursday, March 12th. I can't believe all that we have faced this year. We have had unimaginable triumphs and unthinkable tragedy. We have buried one son and welcomed yet another. We have spent weeks in the NICU with two boys, praying incessantly over their cribs. We have left friends in Texas and made new ones in Tennessee. We have relied on God more than ever before. And in the end, through our faith, we have persevered. As James' letter in the Bible says, "for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. And let perseverance be perfect, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:3-4. If you remember, this is one of the reasons that we gave James his name. I read this passage at night while James was in the hospital and it helped renew my faith each time. I feel like the character in the poem, "Footprints" (the one where God carries the man during the trials in his life). God has held me closely during this year and I think I am finally at the point where I can walk by myself. Besides, God must have gotten pretty tired carrying me all that way!!!! I thank God for giving me the strength I have needed to get through this year.

So, as we prepare for Luke's birthday, I am reminded of our other heart angel friends who have recently celebrated their first birthdays. Eden and Annabelle just had birthdays within the last month. Their mothers wrote beautiful tributes to them and I am so glad to have them as Heart Mom friends. The kids are going to help bake and decorate a cake and we will release balloons for Luke and his friends to play with. If Luke touched your life in any way, please take a second to say or sing "Happy Birthday" to our angel on Thursday...I know he would love it! I think the hardest part about Luke's birthday is that we won't be able to visit him at the cemetery. Luckily, my brother-in-law, Mike, will be in Houston and he is going to visit Luke. I know that will make Luke smile as I am sure that he and Mike would have been good buddies (Mike is amazing with our kiddos). Thank you for doing this, Mike. You have no idea how much we appreciate this!!!!

Thank you for journeying with us throughout this past year. Your prayers and support have been wonderful and we are so thankful that you all are in our lives. God bless you all!