MERRY CHRISTMAS to everyone! I know, it's a little late, but I have never been known to be on time--just ask Tommy. We had a very busy Christmas here at home. Nana (Tommy's mom) came to visit and we had a great time. To say that this was the most difficult Christmas we have faced would be an understatement. Of course we missed our angel Luke so much. This time last year, we were filled with hope, expecting another baby girl (note: if you recall, Luke was a "girl" for TWO ultrasounds), and looking forward to 2008. Little did we know that we not only had a boy on our hands, but a boy who was quite sick (but also very strong). As we have said throughout this journey, Luke brought so much love and strength to our family. We would not be the same without him. This Christmas, we are once again filled with hope, expecting another one of God's miracles, and looking forward to the year ahead. Tommy and I were eager to welcome 2009 and all of the blessings it will bring. We had our good friends, Jacque and Rich, and their three kiddos visit for the New Year. Rich and Jacque introduced us, so we are very thankful to have them as friends. We had fun doing "old people" things like playing board games and reminiscing about high school and college. I even pulled out our old yearbooks! Here are some pictures of the past few weeks:
Emily and Matthew before Mass on Christmas Eve
Me and Tommy before Mass
Tommy and Nana before Mass
I know it's a dark video, but I thought the kids looked cute throwing out reindeer food for Rudolph and his friends. We mixed oatmeal and sugar crystals so that the reindeer could see the food from the sky. This is a tradition that the kids love!
We took Nana to see the ducks at The Peabody Hotel in Memphis. It was a fun time!
These are a few new pics of Sweet Baby James at 30 weeks, 2 days. James is still growing well and is at the 46% for size. We are feeling so thankful and so blessed that he is doing so well with his growth. Although the omphalocele is staying stable (thank you, God!), the perinatalogist thought that he saw a little liver in there, so we are praying that this is not the case. ***As a side note, the tech said it was still only small bowel*** We are feeling more confident that the omphalocele is all that we will be dealing with and I am constantly thankful to God for giving me moments of peace that all will be ok with our little boy. I feel so selfish for always asking for prayers, but I know that they work and that God is hearing them, so please keep them coming! We are still praying for a miracle and that the omphalocele will go away--we do believe in miracles!!!! We are also still praying for no chromosomal issues, no growth in the omphalocele, continued growth for James, and that only the small bowel remains. Thank you, in advance, for your prayers! PS...I love the pic of James sucking his thumb--he was also sticking his tongue out at the kids when they were in the ultrasound room!
BIG NEWS! Emily had a huge day today...after growing it out for 1 1/2 years, Emily cut her hair today. She is donating it to Locks of Love and is so happy that she will be able to help another child who is sick. We are so proud of our little girl and we think she looks just fabulous with her stacked cut! Above is Emily's before picture.
During...my eyes got a little teary!
Our beautiful big girl after. She can't wait to show off her new 'do at school on Monday!
Once again, thank you for your constant thoughts and prayers. We are so blessed to have people like you all who check up on us and who pray for our family. God bless you all and we hope that you have a happy and blessed New Year!
Eight months ago, I fed my baby for the last time. Eight months ago, I changed my baby's diaper for the last time. Eight months ago, I held my baby for the last time. Eight months ago, I said "goodbye". Eight months ago, I cried. Today, I still cry. ( I think I have written almost the same thing in a previous entry, but I still feel the same).
Today, we were so busy that I didn't even realize what day it was until I got home from Emily's Christmas party at school. It's not that I didn't think of Luke throughout the day, it's just that I didn't realize that today is the 18th. Today is one of the most difficult days for me each month. I think that God was giving me a break, knowing that I could use half of the day to get things done with Em and Matt, without thinking about the date. I thank Him for that as I was able to enjoy Em's party immensely.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the day that Luke went to heaven. I'm not sure if it is because of the anxiety I feel about James' birth and expected stay in the NICU or if it is simply because it is Christmas-time, "the most wonderful time of the year". I still have so much guilt, thinking "if I had just pushed this issue or that issue more, then Luke would be here with us now." I will never look at ambulances in the same way and I still have a difficult time passing the funeral home here in town. So much about our lives has changed since Luke joined our family. We have learned more about faith, more about love, more about hope, more about ourselves, more about each other, and we have been given the gift of a new life in James! We are so grateful for Luke's life and thank God for him each day!
We have had a busy week here...Matthew's Christmas program was on Monday. Boy, was he proud to be on stage and boy, did he look exactly like my dad! I have posted a short video below for you to see (sorry for the poor quality...we used our regular camera). He is the tall boy in red on the top left. The kids are singing "Away in a Manger" and did a great job! He was so proud and he made us so proud! Emily's Christmas party was today. Matthew and I joined her class to decorate gingerbread houses and to eat lots of yummy snacks. It is always fun to visit Emily's class--kindergarten is one of my favorite grades! Of course, I didn't have my camera today...I was doing well by bringing the fruit for the party! I love my babies and I am so glad that I was lucky enough to celebrate with them!
On Tuesday, Tommy and I met with Dr. Langham. He is the chief of surgery at the children's hospital and we feel very comfortable with him doing the surgery. Of course, we are not certain whether or not he will perform James' surgery as it will depend on who is on-call the day James is born. We were hoping for some more concrete answers, but until our sweet boy is born, the surgeons won't have a plan. They will need to develop a plan just for James, so we wait...As I said before, the anxiety seems to be getting to me more and more. After all, James will be here in a little less than 2 1/2 months. I am nervous about another baby in the NICU, more feeding issues, intubation, etc. Moms who have been through this before, I am sure you understand the anxiety. To fight these feelings, I find myself begging God to take them away. I literally ask Him out loud to give me the strength that I need to get over the fear. As always, He does and I feel instantly better. I love it when He gives me peace about James--I always welcome that peace. Dr. Langham is going to call the head NICU nurse and ask her to give us a tour of the facility. I believe this will really help me and Tommy prepare for what we will be facing once James is here. We also asked him about child life for Emily and Matthew. Child life is a program that helps siblings deal with having siblings in the hospital. He said that the NICU staff will be able to help us with that. I feel that the kids are becoming more and more nervous as James' arrival nears. I want them to feel as comfortable about all of this as possible.
Nana (Tommy's mom) is coming next week to visit for Christmas. We are all very excited about having her here and the kids are SUPER excited. We have some ideas planned for the week, so we should keep Nana very busy. We hope she is ready for a loud and crazy house!
Once again, I want to thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and kind words. I know I have said this before, but I am terrified of people forgetting about Luke and all of the things he brought to our lives. We always appreciate your comments, both here and on CaringBridge. We thank you for your support for our little family. God bless you all!
I feel like I haven't written in a long time...I guess I haven't. we have been so busy during this season, that I haven't had a chance to just sit and blog. I have wanted to write about the subject of miracles for a very long time now. I feel so blessed in my life that I have been given so many miracles. I wanted to share them with all of you:
My husband. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to marry the man of my dreams, the man God made for me. I found that in Tommy. He is wonderfully perfect for me and he makes me smile each time I look at him or even think about him. He is my husband, the father of my children, and my best friend. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I share everything with this man and he knows me better than anyone. He knows what to say and when to say it. He is the miracle who I prayed for all of my life.
My children. These are the miracles who have made me who I am: a Mommy. I may not be perfect at my job, but they give me enough kisses and hugs to reassure me that I must be doing something right. They are the most amazing little people and God has blessed me abundantly with them. Emily is my confident, helpful, beautiful little girl who has given me the gift of pride. Matthew is my talkative, boisterous, handsome little man who has given me the gift of patience (if you know Bubba, you should be laughing right now). Luke is my strong, courageous, gorgeous little boy who has given me the gift of a stronger faith. James is my active, sweet, adorable baby boy who has given me the gift of hope. How lucky am I to have been given such gifts? God must truly love me!
My family. OK, so some people may say that I am too close to my family. But I disagree. How can you be too close to family? Family is what helps to form the person that you are. Without my family, I may not be the Bernie that I am today. My family has taught me faith, love, strength, perseverance, the list goes on and on. My parents did an amazing job raising five children. They are examples to others and I appreciate the fact that they didn't decide to stop at 4 kids! I can never thank my parents, my brother, and my three sisters enough for being there for us during the past nine months. I know they will never know how much they have helped us during these difficult months. I also want to make sure to include my extended family in this category. My grandmother, grandfather, and aunts and uncles have been amazing through all of this. Luke had so many great aunts and great uncles come to the funeral! He is like a little rock star in our family--I know that no one who knew him (whether in person or via the computer) will ever forget the impact that he made on their lives. When James arrives, he will get to meet many of his great aunts and uncles, also. They are all so eager to come, meet James, and help out and we welcome them with open arms!
Tommy's Family. Just as I cannot imagine who I would be without my family, I cannot imagine who Tommy would be without his family. Tommy was a "surprise" baby and his parents raised him with such strength and faith. I know I have said it many times, but I cannot imagine getting through this year without my husband's faith and strength. Thank you to Nana and Pop Pop for raising such an amazing man. He wouldn't be who he is without you and his brothers.
All of our medical staff. Doctors are amazing people. They go to school forever and then spend their lives caring for others. They don't always get to take time off for holidays and they make their patients their priority. Had it not been for the doctors, we wouldn't have had the 5 1/2 weeks with Luke that we were blessed with. If not for the doctors here, we would not be able to expect a lifetime with our James. What a miracle! I also want to mention all of the nurses and other medical staff who we have come in contact with and who we have yet to meet. These people are absolutely selfless and wonderful. They care for my babies like they are their own. I can never thank them enough.
Friends. All of you have been a constant miracle in my life, even before Luke was born. I have always been able to count on my friends for everything. But especially now, after everything that we have been through, you have been extraordinary. For the first time in my life, I can say that I have friends who I have never even met. How miraculous is that? There are people out there who I never knew before Luke's birth who I can honestly call friends. WOW! God has really helped me out, hasn't He? He knew that I would need you and His call was answered by you. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
One group of friends I have made since we began this journey are other heart moms. One of these moms, Shannon (mom to Carlie--her blog is on the right), has created a video montage to help raise awareness of congenital heart defects. Shannon asked for pictures of heart babies, both angels and living. Luke is included in this video and it is very moving. Please take the time to watch this video, it really points out how devastating heart defects can be. I know that Shannon reads the blog, so please feel free to leave any comments at the bottom of this post for her to read. I am sure she would love to read them! We really appreciate your taking the time to watch her presentation--it means A LOT to us! Here is the video:
Luke's birthday was this past Friday. He would be 9 months old right now. I can't believe that! I can't believe that 9 months ago, we welcomed a very brave little boy into our lives. One who I truly believe knew in his little broken heart that he would only be with us for a short time. I believe that Luke was sent as a gift from God for all of us. He lived so strongly and so happily for the 5 1/2 weeks that he was with us. Our angel's life gave us the gift of James and for that, we are so thankful to him and to God. We are blessed.
Just a quick prayer request...on Tuesday, we are meeting with the surgeon who will perform James' surgery (ies). Dr. Langham is the surgeon and we have read and heard great things about him. He is very qualified and we look forward to learning more about the procedure(s) and what to expect. We will write this week to let you know what we hear from him. Please say a prayer that our meeting goes smoothly and that Dr. Langham is able to answer all of our questions (there are a lot:) ). Thank you for your continued prayers for our family and for our children. God bless you all!!!!
Hi everyone! We just wanted to give a quick update on Sweet Baby James. Tommy, my mother, father, and I went to the perinatologist today to check out our little man. We are SO happy to say that James looked absolutely perfect! His omphalocele has not changed in size and his intestine continues to be the only thing involved. We had another fetal echo cardiogram and were able to see all of the chambers, valves, and a perfect aorta! We were also excited to see the inflow and outflow of each valve. It is such a nervous feeling walking into the ultrasound room, but each time we are told this "looks perfect" and that "looks great", we let out a huge sigh. I had the privilege of seeing the ultrasound with my mother as she had never seen a level 2 or 3D ultrasound. There were happy tears and many thoughts of our angel, but it was a really great thing to see that our baby boy is doing so well. He weighed in at 2 pounds, 2 ounces and was measuring 2 days big. None of our other babies ever really measured large. In fact, they usually measured about 5 days small. We are still praying for growth, growth, growth!!!! We are hoping to make it to 39 weeks before we meet our newest miracle. I have to say that James was making the tech laugh as he moved all around during the entire ultrasound--he never stopped fidgeting! He is already head down, as all of my babies like to do at about this time. Because of that, the above pic is the best we could do. The poor tech tried to get a good face picture for about 20 minutes, but James wouldn't cooperate, just like his big sissy! He is hiding behind a hand, a placenta, and an umbilical cord. He also has his face pushed up against my placenta, so his little nose is a little mushed. He is looking a lot like Emily, which means he will be his Daddy's boy! We look forward to meeting him in a few months, but not too soon.
I wanted to wish everyone a belated Happy Thanksgiving! We had quite the time here. My parents, my 3 sisters, their spouses and children all came to town to celebrate with us. I have to admit that having 10 adults and 11 children in our house kept things pretty upbeat. Of course, we missed our Luke like crazy. There were times during the weekend that I just broke down, wishing that Luke could be here with us and imagining him in a high chair spitting out all of his food. We missed him a lot and I relied a lot on others to help me get through the sadness. Thank you to everyone for making our first Thanksgiving without Luke as painless as possible. We are so thankful that God sent us such an amazing soul and that he has blessed us with yet another miracle. We are truly blessed with extraordinary children and we thank God for all of them!!!!
Forgive me if this entry is all jumbled as I am trying to get downstairs for dinner. I just wanted to give an update on James. Once again, we appreciate all of your prayers for our family. We are still praying for no chromosomal defects and continued growth for James. We are also continuing to pray for a miracle and that James' omphalocele disappears. We are so thankful for all of you, especially during the past almost 9 months. You have no idea how much you have helped us through this extremely difficult time. God bless you all!
It has been seven months since our angel entered heaven. This is always such an emotional roller coaster of a day, but rather than focus on losing Luke, I would like to share the story of Luke's arrival into our world. When you have a child born with a serious issue, everyone is focused on getting him better, not so much on how he entered the world (which is totally fine by us, as we only asked for prayers for Luke's little life). When Em and Matt were born, the first thing that was asked was "how was labor?". With Luke, our only concern was that we could get the necessary care for him to live. So, here it goes:
On March 11th, Tommy and I went to see Dr. Westmoreland. I was about 39 weeks and, like my other two, Luke was totally content in my belly. We decided to induce the following morning. Then, she "got things going" (I don't want to get into too much detail) and I began having contractions every few hours. This was not labor, though, just a few contractions here and there. The contractions intensified during the night, but nothing to constitute actual labor. We woke up at about 5:00 am on March 12th to begin calling the hospital for induction. Much to our excitement and surprise (Matthew's induction was pushed back for FOUR days), the hospital had a room for us and told us to be there by 7 am...we were there by 6:30, just in case. Once we got in the room, we waited for Dr. Westmoreland to come in and break my water. That happened around 9:30 or so. At about 11:00, they decided to start me on some pitocin to get the contractions coming. They were there, but not great. Well, we have figured out (after two inductions) that with Bernie, you need to break the water and give pitocin. In my case, water broken + pitocin = fast baby! That is just what happened. By about 12 pm, I was ready to push and we welcomed our baby boy a few minutes later (two pushes, I think). Everything went relatively fast and easily. We didn't have a lot of screaming (just a little--no epidural for me b/c of my scoliosis) and we welcomed a gorgeous, fat-faced little boy into our lives. He was pink and loud. I remember looking at him as they checked him out shortly after birth, thinking "wow! His nose is just like Matthew's". I held him, nursed him (wondering why the nurse kept having to nudge him awake), and questioned the nurse about the grayish tint to his hands. She reassured me that many babies have that and it was his body getting used to pumping blood by itself. I never noticed it with the other two and I think my mother's intuition was working overtime (as it did throughout the entire pregnancy). About two hours later, they took my baby boy from me. They didn't bring him back. They told me of his diagnosis, and they put him in a helicopter. I have a great fear of helicopters and I can't believe that I had to let my little boy go on a helicopter all by himself. How scared and confused he must have been.
The Family (minus our precious James :) ) shortly after Luke's birth, but before his diagnosis.
Thank you for letting me share our birth story. It was beautiful and it was perfect, just like our Luke. As I sit here remembering that day and sobbing, I can't help but think about where we will be in about 3 months. I am so fearful of letting them take another one of my boys from me after birth. I ask that you please continue to pray for James and that he continues to grow, that he does not have a chromosomal issue, and that his omphalocele heals. Please pray for me and Tommy and that we can give our fears to God--we need to concentrate on our family and children. God bless you all and thank you for everything!!!!
We finally have a video to introduce our Wittle Bubba! I had a few videos on my camera and thought this one was pretty cute. I had to buy a new connector for the computer, so that is why it took so long. Sorry about that. Anyway, me and the kids watched this video today (it has been a long time since I watched it). I have to say that it was extremely difficult to see, but at the same time, it was amazing. Here is this little boy who fought more during his short life than most people fight in 80 years. It has been a while since I heard Luke's cry. I fear that I have forgotten that cry, but once I hear it, I know who it belongs to: an angel...a beautiful, sweet, amazing angel. I wanted you all to "meet" Luke since only a few people can say they were able to meet a true angel! Please just tune out me and Tommy in the background...the most important person in this video is Luke! Happy Birthday tomorrow, little guy. We love you and miss you so much! Enjoy!!!!
March 12, 2008 waiting to be admitted to L&D. We had no idea how much our lives would be changed just a few hours later. By the way, I think I am about that big right now with James! :)
This is one of my favorites of Tommy and Luke, right before we gave our baby to the doctors so that they could save his life (the Norwood).
Mommy and Luke before surgery.
Obligatory sleeping Daddy and Baby pic in the hospital. Luke had to wear socks on his hands because he kept pulling out his NG tube. What a little stinker!
I also wanted to include some pictures of our trip to Disney and one from Halloween. We really had a fun time relaxing and spending time together!
The twins...yes, she is half mine!
Told you I was big! :)
We love Eeyore!
Cousin Lauren, Em, Aunt Julie, Uncle Bob, and Matt
Haberman Men!
High School Musical Cheerleader and Soldier
As always, thank you for keeping James Benedict in your prayers. JB is already such a big part of our lives and we are constantly praying that he will get to grow up healthy and strong with our family. He has become quite the little kicker and that makes me so happy. The kicks are my favorite part of pregnancy--a little secret between me and my babies! We continue to pray for a miracle and that James' omphalocele goes away. Thank you to Father Paul at Guardian Angels for offering a Healing Mass for James Benedict. The Tierneys (Katie's family) are parishioners there. We really appreciate this kind gesture and have even more faith that our little boy will be just fine. Please keep any and all prayers coming!
Thank you, also, for continuing to pray for all of the children living with CHDs. God welcomed another angel this week, Katie Manning, who had HLHS (http://katiemanning.wordpress.com/). She is another amazing soul and I know that she is doing wonderfully up in heaven with all of our angels. God bless you all!
One word: AMAZING!!!! Tommy and I were able to see our sweet boy again today and let me tell you, he is a handsome little man! We checked everything out once again and once again, James looked GREAT! His heart, brain, and kidneys all looked wonderful and perfect! I watched as the tech wrote "no other abnormalities noted" (or something like that :) ). WOW!
Today we met with Dr. BK (Dr. Schneider's partner). It was good to get another opinion on James and his diagnosis. Dr. BK said that he was more reassured rather than less reassured after today's ultrasound. This made us feel really good. He said it is a good thing that James' omphalocele is bigger as the smaller ones tend to go along with chromosomal abnormalities. He said to prepare for a surgery (or maybe a few) to fix it and that James will have a great scar to show off to the other little boys. Of course, we will not feel 100% until James is born and we know for sure everything that we are dealing with, but we are a lot more positive after today's visit.
We have a lot of faith that James is fine and that we will just get over the "surgical bump" after he is born. God has given us a lot of peace about this and we believe that all will be ok with James (JB). Last night, I went to bed feeling very calm and even woke up in a calm mood this morning. Did I get nervous and sick to my stomach at the office? Of course I did, but God let us see our perfect little boy and that made me feel a lot better! It doesn't hurt that God has our little angel Luke whispering in His ear asking him to help our his baby bubba!
Thank you, once again, for your continued prayers for our family. James still needs lots and lots of prayers, so please keep them up! If you would like a specific prayer, here are a few: * that there is no chromosomal abnormality * that the omphalocele shrinks (that can happen) or that it goes away completely--St. Rita is the patron saint of impossible things if you are looking for someone to intercede :) * that James continues to grow at a steady pace (he is already 1 pound!)--we want him to be full term!!!! * that his heart continues to look healthy and whole.
We took Nana to see the ducks at The Peabody Hotel in Memphis. It was a fun time!
BIG NEWS! Emily had a huge day today...after growing it out for 1 1/2 years, Emily cut her hair today. She is donating it to Locks of Love and is so happy that she will be able to help another child who is sick. We are so proud of our little girl and we think she looks just fabulous with her stacked cut! Above is Emily's before picture.
During...my eyes got a little teary!
Our beautiful big girl after. She can't wait to show off her new 'do at school on Monday!
BIG NEWS! Emily had a huge day today...after growing it out for 1 1/2 years, Emily cut her hair today. She is donating it to Locks of Love and is so happy that she will be able to help another child who is sick. We are so proud of our little girl and we think she looks just fabulous with her stacked cut! Above is Emily's before picture.
During...my eyes got a little teary!
Our beautiful big girl after. She can't wait to show off her new 'do at school on Monday!
This is one of my favorites of Tommy and Luke, right before we gave our baby to the doctors so that they could save his life (the Norwood).
Mommy and Luke before surgery.
Obligatory sleeping Daddy and Baby pic in the hospital. Luke had to wear socks on his hands because he kept pulling out his NG tube. What a little stinker!
High School Musical Cheerleader and Soldier
