Seriously, is this not the most beautiful face you have ever seen? Those eyes are the wisest I have ever seen. I always talk with other HLHS moms and we discuss our babies' eyes. It's like you can see directly into their souls. As promised, I am writing this post about Luke. After all, Luke is the reason we began this blog and I want everyone to remember what an amazing soul he is. Lately, I have had a lot of emotions and I'm not sure I can get them across eloquently, but I will try to share them nonetheless. Now back to the picture...as I look at pictures of Luke, I still can't believe it. I can't believe that he was born with half of a heart. I can't believe that he lived through the most critical surgery that is performed on newborns. I can't believe that he came home without any tubes or wires. I can't believe that we lost him. I can't believe that he is no longer with us. Lately, I have seen a lot of babies Luke's age (about 19 months old). I don't know what it is, but I am drawn to these babies. I find them anywhere and no matter what, I can always guess their ages.
I miss him. I miss his smell. I miss his hair. I miss that serious little look he always gave us. I miss his cry. I miss the way he brought everyone together. I miss his smile, although we were only able to see it a few times.
I want him. I want to know how he would look right now. I want to see him walk. I want to hear him say "Mama". I want to see him eat solid foods. I want him to meet his little brother. I want to hear him laugh.
For some reason, it's the laughter that always gets to me. One of the most precious things to hear is the laughter of a baby. Tommy and I never got to hear our baby boy laugh. He was such a serious little man and never made it to that important milestone. I pray that he is up in heaven right now, laughing at me for being sad. I pray that he is up there asking God to make me realize that he is happy and that he is laughing every day. I need that.
Which leads me to something truly amazing. If you have been with us since the beginning, you may remember a few days after we lost Luke that he visited me in a dream. This was my entry on April 24, 2008:
Speaking of dreams...last night I had a dream that Luke came back to life. In the dream, I explained to everyone that he had come back and that he was here with us again. When I woke up to tell Tommy about the dream, he explained that he had a similar dream a few nights ago. After talking about it, we decided that our dreams were the "sign" from Luke and from God that we have been praying for. We think that Luke was telling us that he is alive again, just as Jesus rose after His death. Although it was a "sad" dream for me at the time, I believe that Luke was telling me that he is living in Heaven now, just as he told Tommy a few nights ago.
Well, a few weeks ago, I believe that our angel once again sent his Mommy a very important message. On the night Luke went to heaven, we were asked whether or not we wanted to do an autopsy so that the doctors could "look at his heart". We decided against this as we knew that Luke died of complications from HLHS. We felt peace about our decision. Even though Luke's surgeon confirmed that we would probably never have been able to find out what exactly happened that night, I have always had these lingering questions: was it a stroke? Did he aspirate? Was he in heart failure the week before when he wasn't eating well? Was it a heart attack? What happened to our baby? As a parent, you want to control the situation and that night, that control was taken from us. A few weeks ago, I woke up from a dream without those lingering questions. I woke up knowing what happened to Luke. I can't tell you who was in my dream or if Luke was even there, but I can tell you that I truly believe I know what happened to our baby boy. I believe that our angel let me know what happened to him. I'm not going to go into what I now believe to be true, but I will say that I have an enormous peace about that night and I now know that there was nothing any of us could have done to save Luke. It was his time and it was the time that I believe he and God agreed on before he was even born. Thank you Luke for being my angel.
God bless you all!
I am so thankful for these sweet and sacred moments that you are able to share with Luke and with God. I know he is your angel and that he is able to share things with you still. You are his mommy and an amazing one at that! I love knowing that we are co-creators of these sweet babies with our Heavenly Father. I love you, Bern! You are such a strength to me!
ReplyDeleteHi Bernie,
ReplyDeleteTears where falling when I read your post. The thing I remember most about Aiden were his eyes. Just as you said, the strength and wisdom I saw there were impossible to explain. I do believe we were given the opportunity to see right into their souls. I noticed it the first time in the hospital and then again the day before he died. When he would look at me with those eyes he seemed so much older and wiser than he should have been at 28 days. It is like they knew their time on earth was limited. Thank you for sharing. I am always afraid others would think I was reading too much into this so it is nice to hear others have the same experience. I would love to hear more about your dream if you are willing to share. As you know I struggle with the decision not to do the autopsy and always wonder what truly happened. My email is kelly_maher1@yahoo.com.
Kelly Maher
Bernie-
ReplyDeleteAs you well know I never know what to say...but I am so touched by your last post and so thankful that you have peace within you. Luke was a beautiful baby and you can definitely see the wisdom in his eyes, almost as if he knew God's plan even at 5 weeks old.
Prayers for you and your family,
Amy J